42 Doctor Jokes: The 1997 “Pre-Millennium Tension & WebMD Ancestry” Edition

In 1997, the medical world was bracing for the “Y2K bug,” wondering if every pacemaker and EKG machine would stop working at the stroke of midnight. Patients began arriving in exam rooms with thick stacks of paper printed from the early incarnations of the internet, convinced they had rare tropical diseases they’d discovered on dial-up forums. Managed care had become a way of life, and doctors spent more time talking to insurance adjusters than to actual human beings. It was the year of Dolly the Sheep, making everyone joke that soon, we’d just clone a spare liver and keep it in the fridge.

The 1997 Top 10: The “Digital Diagnosis & Dial-Up” Classics

The Search Engine: A man told his doctor he diagnosed himself using a search engine. The doctor replied, “Well, the internet says you have ‘Error 404: Health Not Found,’ but I’m going with the common cold.”
The HMO Gatekeeper: I called my HMO to see a doctor. The recording said, “If you’re having a heart attack, press 1. For a stroke, press 2. For all other conditions, please hold until the year 2000.”
The Cloning Joke: After Dolly the Sheep was cloned, I asked my surgeon if he could clone me so I could send the other guy to work. He said, “I could, but your insurance only covers the original version.”
The Y2K Prep: My doctor started printing all my records on paper again. He’s afraid that on Jan 1, 2000, his computer will decide I’m actually a 99-year-old toddler.
The Modern Waiting Room: I’ve been waiting so long that the “New” pager I bought when I checked in is now considered a vintage collectible.
The Lab Result: “I have the results of your DNA test,” the doctor said. “It turns out you’re 50% patient, 50% insurance paperwork, and 100% broke.”
The Specialist: I went to a doctor who specializes in “Modern Stress.” He told me to quit my job, move to a farm, and throw my computer into a lake. That was his only prescription.
The Surgeon’s Confidence: My surgeon told me he could do the procedure with his eyes closed. I told him I’d prefer it if he kept them open since I’m paying for the view.
The HMO Diet: My doctor told me the only way my insurance would cover a nutritionist is if I agreed to only eat pictures of food.
The Second Opinion: “Doctor, I’m depressed.” “Don’t worry, it’s just a phase.” “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re also poorly dressed.”

The Full 1997 Archive (Extended List)

The Dial-Up Doctor: I tried to get a consultation online. It took so long for the doctor’s face to download that by the time I saw his chin, I was already cured.
The Insurance Logic: “Is this covered?” “Only if it happens on a Tuesday during a full moon while you’re wearing a blue shirt.”
The Apple: An apple a day keeps the doctor away… but only if you have a high-speed connection to throw it through.
The Physical: He told me I have the body of a god. Specifically, Buddha.
The Medicine Cabinet: I have so many pills that when I walk, I sound like a maraca band.
The Eye Exam: “Can you read the small print at the bottom?” “It says ‘Your co-pay has just doubled’.”
The Psychiatrist: “Doctor, I feel like a 56k modem.” “Keep talking, I’m listening.” “Screeeech-beeeep-boop-hiss…”
The Surgeon’s Fee: He asked for $10,000 upfront. I asked if he took trade-ins. He didn’t want my 1992 Honda.
The Hospital Food: It’s the only place where the “Jell-O” has more structural integrity than the surgical sutures.
The Exercise: My doctor asked if I do cardio. I told him I run out of patience every single day.
The X-Ray: “Good news, the X-ray showed nothing.” “Does that mean I’m healthy?” “No, it means the machine is broken.”
The New Tech: The doctor used a laser for the first time. He accidentally burned a hole in his tie and charged me for “Experimental Light Therapy.”
The Reflex: He hit my knee and my pager fell off my belt. He said, “That’s a sign you’re carrying too much ’90s baggage.”
The Diagnosis: “You have a rare case of ‘Pre-Millennium Tension’.” “What’s the cure?” “Wait three years.”
The Pharmacist: He gave me a bottle of pills with a child-proof cap. I’m 40 and I still can’t get it open. I think it’s also adult-proof.
The Stethoscope: “Your heart is beating like a techno song.” “Is that bad?” “Only if you don’t like glow sticks.”
The Amnesia: “Doctor, I keep forgetting what year it is.” “It’s 1997.” “Are you sure? I feel like I’ve been in this waiting room since 1994.”
The Surgeon: Why did the surgeon go to school? To learn how to operate… on his bank account.
The Nursing Staff: I asked the nurse for a pillow. She gave me a stack of unfiled insurance claims. “It’s firm,” she said.
The Virus: “Doctor, I think I have a virus.” “Human or computer?” “In 1997, what’s the difference?”
The Scale: I stepped on the scale and it whispered, “To be continued on WebMD.”
The Bill: I got the bill for my surgery. I realized it would have been cheaper to just buy the hospital and hire myself.
The Heart: “You have a heart of gold.” “Thanks, Doc!” “Literally. We need to harvest it to pay for this room.”
The Dentist: He asked me when I last flossed. I told him, “You were there, you should know.”
The HMO Gym: The only exercise they authorize is jumping to conclusions.
The Sleep Study: They watched me sleep for eight hours. Their conclusion? “You’re boring.”
The Transplant: I asked for a personality transplant. He checked my charts and said, “Sorry, we can’t find a donor that matches your ego.”
The Blood Pressure: It went up the moment I saw the “Payment Due” sign. The doctor said, “Perfect, the equipment works!”
The Mirror: I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. The doctor said, “That’s not a medical problem, that’s just 1997 fashion.”
The Referral: He referred me to a specialist who is so busy he’s currently booking for the year 2012.
The Emergency: “Is there a doctor in the house?” “I’m a PhD in History!” “Great, come tell this guy why he’s dying in a historical context.”
The Departure: “Take care of yourself,” the doctor said. “Because your insurance definitely won’t.”