59 Doctor Jokes: The 2009 “Swine Flu & Bitcoin Genesis” Edition

In 2009, medical humor was split between “Don’t sneeze on me” and “How do I pay for this surgery with digital gold?” Doctors were handing out hand sanitizer like it was candy, and every cough in the waiting room felt like a scene from a disaster movie. It was the year of the “Oink-Oink” flu and the beginning of the era where your doctor started typing your symptoms into a netbook that took ten minutes to boot up.

The 2009 Top 10: The “H1N1 & Digital Gold” Classics

1. The Swine Flu Social: My doctor told me to stay six feet away from everyone. I said, “I’ve been doing that since I joined Facebook in 2004, so I’m a natural.”
2. The Oink Diagnosis: I coughed in the clinic. The doctor didn’t check my lungs; he just asked if I had a sudden craving for mud and truffles.
3. The Bitcoin Payment: A patient asked if he could pay for his physical in “Bitcoin.” The doctor said, “I don’t accept ‘Monopoly money’ for a real-life heart condition. Stick to cash.”
4. The Avatar Surgery: My surgeon said he was going to use 3D glasses for my knee replacement. I asked if it would look better. He said, “No, but it’ll cost $2,000 more for the ‘Cinematic Experience’.”
5. The Sanitizer Addict: I asked for a prescription. The doctor just pointed at the hand sanitizer dispenser and said, “Take three pumps of that and don’t call me in the morning.”
6. The Netbook Struggle: My doctor spent fifteen minutes trying to open my file on his tiny netbook. I said, “Is it loading?” He said, “No, it’s deciding if it wants to stay in 2009 or crash back to 1999.”
7. The H1N1 Panic: A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a mask. The pharmacist says, “We’re out.” The guy says, “Fine, give me a Halloween pig mask. At least people will stay away from me.”
8. The Economic Check-up: “Your blood pressure is down,” the doctor said. “Is it the medicine?” I asked. “No, it’s just that you have no money left for it to go up.”
9. The Second Opinion: “Doctor, I think I have the Swine Flu.” “Why?” “Because I’m feeling a bit ‘boar-ed’ with this conversation.”
10. The Waiting Room: The magazines are finally from 2008, but they’re all about the bank failures. It’s like a horror movie in paper form.

The 2009 General Clinic Mix (Extended Archive)

11. The Vision: “Everything looks blue.” “That’s not a cataract, you’re just staring at the Avatar poster too long.”
12. The Surgeon: “I’m going to operate.” “Is your scalpel H1N1-certified?”
13. The Diet: “I’m on the ‘Flu Diet’.” “What’s that?” “I’m too scared to go to the grocery store, so I’m eating old crackers.”
14. The Exercise: “I’m doing ‘Wii Fit Plus’.” “How’s that working?” “My Mii is fit, but I’m still winded getting off the couch.”
15. The X-Ray: “Your ribs are fine, but your lungs are clear of everything except pure panic.”
16. The Psychiatrist: “Doctor, I’m afraid of pigs.” “Is it the flu?” “No, it’s just their judgmental eyes.”
17. The Anesthesia: “Count backwards from ten.” “Ten… nine… eight… oink…”
18. The Insurance: I asked if they cover ‘Swine Flu Anxiety.’ They said, “Only if you’re a pig.”
19. The Specialist: I went to a ‘Pandemic Expert.’ He was just a guy with a webcam and a basement full of bottled water.
20. The Reflex: He hit my knee. I jumped. He said, “Good, you’re still faster than a 2009 internet connection.”
21. The Pharmacist: “Do you have the H1N1 vaccine?” “No, but I have this ‘I Survived 2009’ sticker.”
22. The Stethoscope: “Your heart is beating like a drum.” “A fast one?” “No, like a drummer who’s nervous about a pig.”
23. The Ear Exam: “I hear a squealing.” “Is it my ear?” “No, it’s just the sound of the economy.”
24. The Surgeon’s Hands: “Steady as a rock.” “Is it the caffeine?” “No, I’m just too tired to shake.”
25. The Memory: “Doctor, I keep forgetting to wash my hands.” “That’ll be $100 for the reminder.”
26. The Nurse: “Scale of 1 to 10?” “My throat is a 9, but my fear of pigs is an 11.”
27. The Surgeon 2: “I’m using a robotic arm.” “Does it have a virus protector?”
28. The Waiting Room 2: I’ve been here so long I’ve actually become a part of the upholstery.
29. The HMO: “We don’t cover ‘Pandemic Paranoia’. That’s a ‘Current Event’ and not a ‘Medical Condition’.”
30. The Transplant: “We found a donor, but the paperwork is stuck in a 2009 bureaucracy loop.”
31. The Bill: “Why is there a ‘Sanitization Surcharge’?” “Because I had to wash my hands twice while looking at you.”
32. The Heart: “Your pulse is fast.” “I’m looking at my iPhone 3GS bill!” “Understandable.”
33. The Dentist: “You have a cavity.” “Can I pay in Bitcoin?” “What did I say about the Monopoly money, Dave?”
34. The HMO Gym: It’s just a room where you run away from your own medical bills.
35. The Sleep Study: “You snore like a hog.” “Is that a symptom?” “No, just a complaint.”
36. The Blood Pressure: It hit 170 when the doctor said he’s not sure if he has any masks left.
37. The Mirror: “I look pale.” “That’s not the flu, that’s just the ‘2009 Gloom’.”
38. The Referral: He sent me to a specialist who is currently working from a bunker.
39. The Emergency: “Is there a doctor here?” “I’m a Doctor of Crypto-Currency!” “Someone get this man out of here!”
40. The Surgeon’s Hobby: “I collect vintage 2008 bank statements. They’re very therapeutic.”
41. The Pill Logic: “Take this pill and don’t touch any pigs for a week.”
42. The Diet 2: “I’m eating ‘Organic’.” “Good, your wallet is lighter, and so is your spirit.”
43. The Surgeon’s Ego: “I’m the best surgeon in 3D.” “Can I get a 2D price then?”
44. The Pharmacy Wait 2: I’ve been here so long the ‘Swine Flu’ has been replaced by ‘Bird Flu’ in the news.
45. The Stress 2: “You’re stressed about the flu.” “No, I’m stressed about the fact that you’re not wearing a mask.”
46. The Ear Exam 2: “I can’t hear out of my left ear.” “Stop listening to ‘Black Eyed Peas’ so loud. It’s 2009, not 3008.”
47. The Knee: “It hurts when I do this.” “Then stop doing that. That’ll be $250 for the 2009 wisdom.”
48. The Pager: My doctor finally got a smartphone. He spends the whole exam trying to unlock it.
49. The Generic 2: “Is this generic?” “It’s so generic the box just says ‘Stuff’.”
50. The Virus: “It’s a 2009 virus. It’s got a lot of hype but not much substance.”
51. The Heart 2: “Your heart rate is 150.” “I’m reading about Bitcoin!” “Calm down, it’s never going to be worth anything.”
52. The Vitamin: “Take this. It has ‘Anti-Pandemic Minerals’.” “Which are?” “Mostly zinc and luck.”
53. The Surgeon’s Fee 2: He asked for my ‘Limited Edition’ Blackberry Bold as a deposit.
54. The MRI: “Does this machine scan for ‘Pig Genes’?” “No, just normal human ones. Try to stay calm.”
55. The Prescription: “I can’t read this.” “It says ‘Buy a bottle of hand sanitizer and stay inside’.”
56. The Dentist 2: “This might hurt.” “My teeth?” “No, the bill. I just bought a new 3D TV.”
57. The Emergency Room: I waited 10 hours. I saw the rise and fall of three different boy bands in the lobby.
58. The Final Word: “You’re cured!” “Really?” “Yes, the H1N1 test came back negative. You just have a normal, boring cold.”
59. The Lab Result: “You’re 20% blood, 80% ‘2009 Fear’.”