62 Doctor Jokes: The 2005 “YouTube Launch & Grey’s Anatomy” Edition

In 2005, the medical world was split: surgeons were trying to look as cool as Patrick Dempsey on TV, while psychiatrists were trying to figure out if “Internet Addiction” was a real diagnosis or just what everyone was doing on the new site called YouTube. It was the year of “Professional Perfection” vs. “Mental Overload,” where the scalpels were sharp, the egos were huge, and the therapy couches were always occupied.

The 2001 Top 10: The “Surgeons & Shrinks” Classics

1. The Surgeon’s Ego: What’s the difference between a 2005 surgeon and a god? God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon after watching one episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
2. The Psychiatrist’s Paradox: A man told his psychiatrist, “Everyone thinks I’m a liar.” The psychiatrist said, “I don’t believe you.”
3. The YouTube Surgery: I asked my surgeon if he had done this procedure before. He said, “No, but I just watched a 3-minute tutorial on YouTube in the breakroom. I’m good to go!”
4. The Surgeon’s Prayer: “Dear Lord, let me be as good as I tell everyone I am.”
5. The Therapy Session: My psychiatrist told me, “Maybe the reason you’re so stressed is that you spend 8 hours a day watching a video of a cat playing a piano.”
6. The Surgical Precision: Why do surgeons wear masks? So if they mess up, you won’t know who to sue.
7. The Psychiatrist’s Bill: “Doctor, I feel like a $100 bill.” The psychiatrist said, “Well, don’t worry, by the time we’re done, you’ll be a handful of loose change.”
8. The Grey’s Effect: My surgeon walked in and asked if there were any cameras. I said no. He sighed and said, “Then why did I bother doing my hair?”
9. The Lightbulb (Psychiatrist): How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
10. The Lightbulb (Surgeon): How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just wait for a medical student to do it and then take the credit.

The Surgeon’s Wing (Special Category)

11. The Difference: What’s the difference between a surgeon and a carpenter? A carpenter doesn’t get to kill his mistakes.
12. The Heart Surgeon: He told me my heart was beautiful. I told him he was just saying that because he wanted to see it naked.
13. The Brain Surgeon: “It’s not exactly rocket science,” the rocket scientist told the brain surgeon. The surgeon replied, “Exactly. It’s much harder.”
14. The Post-Op: “Will I be able to see after the eye surgery?” “Yes.” “Great, because I’ve been blind for ten years.”
15. The Scrub-In: My surgeon spent 20 minutes washing his hands. I asked if he was clean. He said, “I’m so clean I’m technically a disinfectant.”
16. The Scalpel: He dropped his scalpel and said “Oops.” That’s the one word you never want to hear in a 2005 operating room.
17. The Anesthesia: “Count to ten.” “One… two… three… is that a YouTube logo on your monitor?”
18. The Surgeon’s Car: He has a Ferrari with a license plate that says “INCISION.”
19. The Robot Assist: “The robot is doing the work, I’m just the DJ,” the surgeon joked. I didn’t laugh.
20. The Transplant: “We have a brain available from a surgeon.” “Is it good?” “Hardly used, he never thought twice.”

The Psychiatrist’s Couch (Special Category)

21. The Invisibility: A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doctor, nobody notices me.” The psychiatrist says, “Next!”
22. The Schizophrenia: “Doctor, I think I have a split personality.” “Fine, both of you sit down and that’ll be double the fee.”
23. The Pavlovian: A psychiatrist is walking down the street and hits another psychiatrist. He says, “You’re fine, how am I?”
24. The Forgetfulness: “Doctor, I’m worried about my memory.” “How long has this been going on?” “How long has what been going on?”
25. The Paranoia: “Doctor, I feel like I’m being followed.” “I know, I’m the one following you. It’s part of the premium package.”
26. The Childhood: “Tell me about your mother.” “She’s a doctor.” “Ah, so that’s why you can’t read your own feelings.”
27. The Depression: “I feel like a wet noodle.” “Stop hanging out in boiling water then.”
28. The Narcissist: “But enough about me,” the narcissist said to his shrink. “What do you think about me?”
29. The Group Therapy: “Welcome to the group for people with no self-esteem. Now, who wants to apologize for taking up a chair?”
30. The Diagnosis: “You’re crazy.” “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re also ugly.” (A 2005 classic).

The Extended 2005 Archive

31. The Pharmacy: “This drug is for your ADHD.” “Look! A squirrel!”
32. The Waiting Room: I’ve been here so long I’ve actually finished my medical degree by reading the magazines.
33. The HMO: My insurance only covers therapy if I talk to a wall.
34. The X-Ray: “Your X-ray shows a broken heart.” “Really?” “No, you just swallowed a Valentine’s candy.”
35. The Diet: “I’m on the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ diet.” “What’s that?” “I just drink coffee and cry in the elevator.”
36. The Reflex: He hit my knee. I cried. He said, “That’s a psychological reflex, not a physical one.”
37. The Nurse: “The doctor will see you now. Please try not to mention his hair; he’s sensitive.”
38. The Bill: My psychiatrist’s bill gave me a panic attack. He charged me $150 to treat it.
39. The Laser Eye: “I can see the future!” “No, that’s just the laser burning your retina. Sit still.”
40. The Google Search: “I searched my symptoms on Google and it said I’m a 2005 Toyota Camry.”
41. The Surgeon’s Hobby: “I like to play Operation.” “The game?” “No, the real thing. It’s more fun.”
42. The Stress: “You’re stressed.” “I know.” “That’ll be $300.” “Now I’m more stressed!” “That’ll be another $300.”
43. The Ear Exam: “I hear voices.” “On the radio?” “No, in my head.” “Check if they have a podcast, it’s the new thing.”
44. The Knee: “You need a new knee.” “Can I get a used one?” “Sure, if you don’t mind walking in circles.”
45. The Pager: My doctor’s pager went off. He said, “I have to go, my MySpace profile just got a new comment.”
46. The Generic: “Is this generic?” “It’s so generic it’s just a pill-shaped piece of bread.”
47. The HMO 2: They won’t cover my surgery because they say “Health” is a pre-existing condition.
48. The Virus: “It’s a digital virus.” “Do I need a doctor or a computer tech?” “In 2005, you need both.”
49. The Heart: “Your heart is beating like a techno song.” “Untz untz untz…”
50. The Vitamin: “Take this. It has ‘Alpha-Beta-Giga-Vitamins’.” “What do they do?” “They sound expensive.”
51. The Surgeon’s Fee: He asked for my soul. I told him the HMO already took it.
52. The MRI: “It’s like a giant donut that screams at you.”
53. The Prescription: “I can’t read this.” “It says ‘Stop watching YouTube and go for a walk’.”
54. The Final Word: “You’re cured!” “Can I go home?” “Yes, but your debt will stay here with me.”
55. The Psychiatrist’s Dog: “My dog has a depression.” “Does he sit on a small couch?”
56. The Surgeon’s Wedding: He married his assistant so he’d always have someone to hand him the ring.
57. The Mirror: “I look old.” “That’s just the 2005 digital camera flash. It’s brutal.”
58. The Emergency: “Is there a doctor here?” “I’m a psychiatrist!” “This man is bleeding!” “And how does that make you feel?”
59. The Lab Result: “You’re 20% blood and 80% stress hormones.”
60. The Specialist: I went to a “YouTube Specialist.” He just showed me videos of people falling down.
61. The Hospital Bed: “It’s adjustable!” “Can it adjust the bill?” “No.”
62. The Departure: “See you next week.” “Only if my mind stays in one piece!”