62 Doctor Jokes: The 2012 “Maya Apocalypse & Mars Rover” Edition

In 2012, medical humor played on the contrast between high-tech space exploration and the low-tech frustration of health insurance. Doctors were joking that if the world ended on December 21st, they finally wouldn’t have to finish their electronic paperwork. It was the year of “The End of the World” physicals and “Mars Rover” surgical precision.

The 2012 Top 10: The “Apocalypse & Curiosity” Jokes

1. The Maya Physical: My doctor said, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your heart is fine. The bad news is the world ends in December, so don’t bother finishing that bottle of vitamins.”
2. The Mars Rover Surgery: I asked my surgeon how precise he is. He said, “I’m like the Mars Rover. I can operate from another room using a joystick, but if the signal drops, you might end up with a crater in your spleen.”
3. The Doomsday Insurance: I asked if my plan covers ‘Apocalyptic Events.’ The provider said, “Only if the apocalypse happens in-network and you have a referral from a Mayan priest.”
4. The Curiosity Diagnosis: “I’m curious,” the doctor said, looking at my X-ray. I told him, “Being curious is fine for a robot on Mars, but for a doctor looking at my spine, it’s terrifying.”
5. The Big Data Fever: My doctor told me he’s using ‘Big Data’ now. I asked what that means. He said, “It means I have 5,000 files telling me you eat too much pizza, but I still don’t know where your gallbladder is.”
6. The 2012 Diet: “I’m on the ‘Pre-Apocalypse Diet’.” “What’s that?” “I eat everything I’ve ever wanted because the world might end on Friday.”
7. The Tablet Transition: My doctor has upgraded to an iPad 3. Now he can see my high cholesterol in ‘Retina Resolution’. It looks much more expensive in HD.
8. The Second Opinion: “Doctor, I think the world is ending.” “That’s a psychological issue. See a psychiatrist.” “He told me the same thing!” “See? Total consensus.”
9. The Olympic Physical: In honor of the London 2012 Olympics, my doctor made me run to the exam table. He gave me a gold medal for ‘Highest Co-pay’.
10. The Waiting Room: The magazines are finally from 2012. There’s an article about “How to stay healthy during a solar flare.” Very timely.

The 2012 General Clinic Jokes (Extended Archive)

11. The Vision: “I see stars!” “That’s not a medical emergency, you just looked at the sun during the eclipse.”
12. The Surgeon: “I’m going to operate.” “Do you have a ‘Plan B’ if the Mayans were right?”
13. The Diet: “I’m on the ‘Gluten-Free’ path.” “Do you feel better?” “No, but I feel much more superior to everyone else.”
14. The Exercise: “I started ‘Zumba’.” “How is it?” “I don’t know if I’m getting fit or just having a very rhythmic heart attack.”
15. The X-Ray: “Your bones are strong. If the world ends, your skeleton will make a very sturdy fossil.”
16. The Psychiatrist: “Doctor, I have ‘End-of-the-World Anxiety’.” “Don’t worry, it’ll be over by Christmas.”
17. The Anesthesia: “Count backwards from ten.” “Ten… nine… eight… Mars…”
18. The Insurance: I asked if they cover ‘Robot-Assisted Surgery.’ They said, “Only if the robot has a PhD.”
19. The Specialist: I went to a ‘Mayan Calendar Expert.’ He told me I’m not sick, I’m just ‘Out of Time’.
20. The Reflex: He hit my knee. I didn’t kick. He said, “Your reflexes are in a different time zone.”
21. The Pharmacist: “Is this medicine ‘Apocalypse-Proof’?” “It’s 2012, nothing is proofed against anything anymore.”
22. The Stethoscope: “Your heart is beating like a countdown clock.”
23. The Ear Exam: “I hear a static noise.” “That’s just the sound of the magnetic poles shifting.”
24. The Surgeon’s Hands: “Steady as a Mars Rover.” “So… you move three inches an hour?”
25. The Memory: “Doctor, I keep forgetting what I’m doing in 2013.” “Probably because nobody scheduled anything yet.”
26. The Nurse: “Scale of 1 to 10?” “My pain is a 6, but my fear of the Mayan calendar is a 12.”
27. The Surgeon 2: “I’m using a robotic arm.” “Does it have ‘Auto-Pilot’?” “No, but it has a ‘Selfie’ mode.”
28. The Waiting Room 2: I’ve been here so long I’ve actually watched the Mars landing three times on the news.
29. The HMO: “We don’t cover ‘Cosmic Dread’. That’s a spiritual issue.”
30. The Transplant: “We found a donor, but their blood type is ‘Ancient Alien’.”
31. The Bill: “Why is there an ‘End-of-Era’ tax?” “Because it’s the last bill I’ll ever send you!”
32. The Heart: “Your pulse is fast.” “I’m watching the 2012 Olympic finals!”
33. The Dentist: “You have a cavity.” “Can I pay in canned goods and bottled water?”
34. The HMO Gym: It’s just a room where you try to dodge flying bills.
35. The Sleep Study: “You stop breathing.” “I’m just practicing for the vacuum of space.”
36. The Blood Pressure: It hit 190 when the doctor said his ‘Paperless’ system just deleted my 2011 records.
37. The Mirror: “I look like I’ve aged 500 years.” “That’s the ‘Mayan Sun’ effect.”
38. The Referral: He sent me to a specialist who only takes appointments via ‘Skype’. The lag made me look like I had three heads.
39. The Emergency: “Is there a doctor here?” “I’m an Astrophysicist!” “Great, explain the gravity of this situation.”
40. The Surgeon’s Hobby: “I collect 20th-century scalpels. They’re so primitive and charming.”
41. The Pill Logic: “Take this pill and don’t look at a calendar for a month.”
42. The Diet 2: “The ‘Paleo’ diet is big now.” “So you’re eating like a caveman?” “Yes, mostly raw meat and fear.”
43. The Surgeon’s Ego: “I’m the master of the universe.” “Calm down, He-Man, just fix my knee.”
44. The Pharmacy Wait 2: I’ve been here so long that the ‘New’ vaccine is now ‘Vintage’.
45. The Stress 2: “You’re stressed about the ‘Big Freeze’.” “No, I’m stressed about the ‘Big Bill’.”
46. The Ear Exam 2: “I can’t hear anything.” “That’s because you’re wearing ‘Beats’ headphones. They’re for fashion, not hearing.”
47. The Knee: “It hurts when I jump.” “Then stop trying to be an Olympic gymnast in your living room.”
48. The Pager: My doctor’s smartphone ran out of battery. He actually had to talk to me for five minutes.
49. The Generic 2: “Is this generic?” “It’s so generic it’s just a white circle with ‘HOPE’ on it.”
50. The Virus: “It’s a 2012 virus. It’s very dramatic but probably won’t do anything.”
51. The Heart 2: “Your heart rate is 130.” “I’m looking at my stock options!”
52. The Vitamin: “Take this. It has ‘Interstellar Minerals’.” “Which are?” “Mostly stardust and sand.”
53. The Surgeon’s Fee 2: He asked for my ‘Curiosity’ rover model as a down payment.
54. The MRI: “Is this machine apocalypse-proof?” “Nothing is apocalypse-proof, Dave. Just lie still.”
55. The Prescription: “I can’t read this.” “It says ‘Celebrate like it’s the last year on Earth’.”
56. The Dentist 2: “This might hurt.” “My teeth?” “No, the fact that your ‘Platinum’ plan just became ‘Lead’.”
57. The Emergency Room: I waited 7 hours. I saw a guy write an entire novel about the end of the world while waiting for an aspirin.
58. The Final Word: “You’re healthy!” “Can I survive the apocalypse?” “Ask the Mayans. I only handle the blood pressure.”
59. The Lab Result: “You’re 5% blood, 95% ‘Curiosity’.”
60. The Specialist 2: “He’s the best.” “Why?” “He’s the only one who doesn’t believe in the 2012 prophecy.”
61. The Hospital Bed: “This bed is hard.” “It’s ‘Apocalypse-Ready’. It doubles as a raft.”
62. The Exit: “See you in 2013… hopefully!”