57 Doctor Jokes: The 2013 “Selfie Era & Google Glass” Edition

In 2013, medical humor revolved around a new obsession with documenting every second of life. Surgeons wondered if they could live-stream surgeries through their smart glasses, and psychiatrists began treating a new condition: the fear of low likes on vacation photos.

The 2013 Top 10: The “Smart-Glass & Selfie” Jokes

1. The Google Glass Surgeon: My surgeon wore Google Glass during my procedure. I asked if it helps him see better. He said, “No, but I can check my emails and watch cat videos while I’m waiting for your blood to clot.”
2. The Medical Selfie: I saw a guy taking a selfie in the MRI machine. The technician said, “Sir, the magnet is going to pull that phone out of your hand.” The guy replied, “But the lighting in here is perfect for my ‘I’m dying’ look!”
3. The Step-Counter Debate: My doctor looked at my fitness tracker and said, “It says you ran a marathon yesterday.” I said, “No, I just had a very intense argument with my wife while wearing the watch.”
4. The Siri Prescription: I asked Siri to find me a doctor. She said, “I found three bars nearby.” I told my doctor, and he said, “Siri knows me too well.”
5. The 2013 Diet: “I’m on the ‘Instagram Diet’.” “Does it work?” “I don’t know, but I spend so much time taking pictures of my salad that it’s wilted by the time I can eat it.”
6. The Smart-Watch Panic: “Doctor, my watch says my heart stopped!” The doctor checked my pulse and said, “Your heart is fine, but your watch needs a software update. You’re technically a ghost until then.”
7. The Google Glass Diagnosis: “According to my glasses, you have a mild cold,” the doctor said. I asked, “Are you sure?” He replied, “Wait, I’m actually looking at a Wikipedia page for a 14th-century plague. My bad.”
8. The Second Opinion: “Doctor, I feel like a smartphone.” “You’re expensive, easily broken, and you lose your energy by 4 PM?” “Exactly!”
9. The Waiting Room: They finally added Wi-Fi to the lobby! Now I can search my symptoms and be fully convinced I’m dead before the nurse even calls my name.
10. The Diagnosis: “You have ‘Selfie Wrist’.” “Is it serious?” “Only if you keep trying to get that perfect angle while holding a 12-ounce latte.”

The 2013 General Clinic Jokes (Extended Archive)

11. The Vision: “I see 3D!” “That’s not a medical miracle, you just forgot to take your cinema glasses off.”
12. The Surgeon: “I’m going to operate.” “Can you Vine it? I want a 6-second clip of my appendix leaving the building.”
13. The Diet: “I’m eating ‘Clean’.” “What does that mean?” “I wash my donuts before I eat them.”
14. The Exercise: “I started ‘CrossFit’.” “How do you feel?” “I don’t know, I haven’t told enough people about it yet to feel the benefits.”
15. The X-Ray: “Your ribs are fine, but your spine is shaped like a ‘C’. Stop leaning over your iPad!”
16. The Psychiatrist: “Doctor, I’m addicted to ‘Candy Crush’.” “I’ll prescribe you ‘Tetris’. It’s a lower dosage.”
17. The Anesthesia: “Count backwards from ten.” “Ten… nine… hashtag… sleep…”
18. The Insurance: I asked if my plan covers ‘Wearable Tech Injuries.’ They said, “Only if the tech is smarter than the patient.”
19. The Specialist: I went to a ‘Cloud Specialist.’ He didn’t check my lungs; he just tried to upsell me more storage for my medical files.
20. The Reflex: He hit my knee. I didn’t kick, but I accidentally ‘Liked’ a photo of my ex on Instagram.
21. The Pharmacist: “Is this medicine ‘Smart’?” “It’s smarter than the guy who tried to pay for it with ‘Dogecoin’.”
22. The Stethoscope: “Your heart sounds like a slow Wi-Fi connection.”
23. The Ear Exam: “I hear a ringing.” “That’s just your conscience trying to reach you. It’s out of network.”
24. The Surgeon’s Hands: “Steady as a surgeon’s.” “Is that because of the new ergonomic scalpel?” “No, I just finally quit drinking ‘Four Loko’.”
25. The Memory: “Doctor, I keep forgetting my Vine password.” “Good. That’s your brain’s way of protecting your dignity.”
26. The Nurse: “Scale of 1 to 10?” “My pain is a 5, but my phone battery is at 1%. Help!”
27. The Surgeon 2: “I’m using a 3D printer for your new hip.” “Will it be strong?” “It’s made of plastic and dreams, Dave. It’ll be fine.”
28. The Waiting Room 2: I’ve been here so long I’ve actually seen three different iPhone models get released.
29. The HMO: “We don’t cover ‘Social Media Burnout’. That’s an elective lifestyle choice.”
30. The Transplant: “We found a donor, but they didn’t have enough followers for the insurance to authorize the transfer.”
31. The Bill: “Why is there a ‘Digital Consultation Fee’?” “Because I had to look at a photo of your rash on a high-definition screen.”
32. The Heart: “Your pulse is fast.” “I’m waiting for my post to hit 100 likes!”
33. The Dentist: “You have a cavity.” “Can I pay in ‘Bitcoin’?” “Stop it, Dave. Cash only.”
34. The HMO Gym: It’s just a room where you run away from your own deductibles.
35. The Sleep Study: “You stop breathing.” “I’m just practicing for a very long ‘Mannequin Challenge’.”
36. The Blood Pressure: It hit 200 when the doctor said his new tablet doesn’t support my old insurance card.
37. The Mirror: “I look like a ‘Filter’.” “That’s ‘Rise’. You’re actually just jaundice. Let’s check your liver.”
38. The Referral: He sent me to a specialist who only takes appointments via ‘Skype’. The connection was so bad he thought my dog was the patient.
39. The Emergency: “Is there a doctor here?” “I’m a Social Media Manager!” “Great, tell everyone this guy is dying in a witty way.”
40. The Surgeon’s Hobby: “I collect first-generation Google Glass. They’re great for looking like a dork from the past.”
41. The Pill Logic: “Take this pill and don’t look at a screen for two hours.” “Just kill me now, Doc.”
42. The Diet 2: “The ‘Paleo’ diet is so 2012. In 2013, we only eat things that look good in a square photo.”
43. The Surgeon’s Ego: “I’m a god of the operating room.” “And I’m the guy who’s going to ‘Unfollow’ you if you don’t fix my leg.”
44. The Pharmacy Wait 2: I’ve been here so long the ‘New’ miracle drug is now being sued in a class-action lawsuit.
45. The Stress 2: “You’re stressed about your ‘Klout Score’.” “What’s that?” “Something that won’t matter in six months.”
46. The Ear Exam 2: “I can’t hear anything.” “That’s because you’re wearing those giant ‘Beats’ headphones. Take them off, you’re 45.”
47. The Knee: “It hurts when I do this.” “Then stop trying to do ‘Twerking’ videos. Your hips weren’t made for that.”
48. The Pager: My doctor finally got an iPhone. He spent the whole physical trying to figure out why he can’t ‘Swipe’ me to the next room.
49. The Generic 2: “Is this generic?” “It’s so generic it doesn’t even have a font on the label.”
50. The Virus: “It’s a 2013 virus. It’s very ‘Shareable’.”
51. The Heart 2: “Your heart rate is 140.” “I’m watching the Breaking Bad finale!” “Okay, that’s a valid medical condition.”
52. The Vitamin: “Take this. It has ‘Smart-Bio Minerals’.” “Which are?” “Mostly chalk and marketing.”
53. The Surgeon’s Fee 2: He asked for my ‘Limited Edition’ iPad Mini as a down payment.
54. The MRI: “Does this machine have a ‘Selfie’ mode?” “No, but it has a ‘Total Body Scan’ mode that will make you feel very small.”
55. The Prescription: “I can’t read this.” “That’s because it’s a ‘Bitly’ link to my website.”
56. The Dentist 2: “This might hurt.” “My teeth?” “No, the fact that I’m taking a photo for my ‘Before and After’ blog.”
57. The Final Word: “You’re healthy!” “Can I take a selfie with my bill?” “Only if you use the ‘Success’ filter!”