69 Doctor Jokes: The 2016 “Pokémon GO & Telemedicine” Edition

In 2016, the medical world faced a new epidemic: “augmented reality injuries.” Hospitals were filled with people who walked into walls while trying to catch a Charizard. Meanwhile, telemedicine started to boom, leading to doctors trying to perform physical exams through grainy laptop cameras and patients trying to pay for surgery with “coins” they earned in a mobile app. It was the year of “Virtual Health” and the end of the traditional “waiting room” (replaced by the “waiting-for-the-link” screen).

The 2016 Top 10: The “Pokémon & Pixels” Jokes

1. The Pokémon ER: A guy rushed into the ER with a broken leg. The doctor asked how it happened. He said, “I was chasing a Snorlax and didn’t see the open manhole.” The doctor replied, “At least one of you is resting now.”
2. The Telemedicine Physical: I had my first video call with a doctor. He said, “Please cough into the microphone.” I did, and he said, “Great, now my screen is blurry and I still don’t know if you have the flu.”
3. The Poké-Stop Clinic: My doctor’s office is officially a “Poké-Stop.” Now the waiting room is full of people who aren’t even sick; they’re just trying to restock on virtual Great Balls.
4. The Augmented Diagnosis: “Doctor, I see monsters everywhere!” “That’s just the app, Dave. Turn off your phone and the ‘hallucinations’ will go away.”
5. The Tele-Surgeon: My surgeon said he could do the consultation via Skype. I asked, “What if the connection drops mid-surgery?” He said, “Then you’ll just have to ‘buffer’ until the Wi-Fi comes back.”
6. The Fitbit vs. Pokémon: “I’ve walked 10 miles today!” “To get healthy?” “No, to hatch a 10km egg. My doctor is thrilled, even if my boss isn’t.”
7. The Second Opinion: “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to mobile games.” “I’ll send you a link to a specialist. Please ‘Like and Subscribe’ to his channel first.”
8. The VR Trauma: I went to the doctor for a neck injury. He said, “Stop wearing that VR headset for 12 hours straight. Your brain thinks you’re in space, but your neck knows you’re in a basement.”
9. The Diagnosis: “You have ‘Lure Module Fever’.” “Is it contagious?” “Only if you have a data plan and no self-control.”
10. The Waiting Room: There are no magazines anymore. Just a sign with a Wi-Fi password and a dozen people staring at their laps in total silence.

The 2016 General Clinic Jokes (Extended Archive)

11. The Vision: “Everything looks like a filter.” “That’s just ‘Snapchat Dysmorphia’. Try looking at a real tree.”
12. The Surgeon: “I’m going to operate.” “Wait, can I stream this on Facebook Live?”
13. The Diet: “I’m on the ‘Pokémon Diet’. I only eat when I find a digital berry.”
14. The Exercise: “I’ve been walking everywhere.” “For your heart?” “No, for a Pikachu with a hat.”
15. The X-Ray: “Your ribs are fine, but there’s a Bulbasaur sitting on your liver. Oh wait, that’s just a reflection on my screen.”
16. The Psychiatrist: “Doctor, I feel like I’m living in an alternate reality.” “In 2016, we all do, Dave.”
17. The Anesthesia: “Count backwards from ten.” “Ten… nine… Pikachu… go…”
18. The Insurance: I asked if they cover ‘Tele-Health.’ They said, “Only if your router is in-network.”
19. The Specialist: I went to a ‘Digital Detox Specialist.’ He told me to throw my phone in a lake. That cost $400.
20. The Reflex: He hit my knee. I accidentally dropped my phone and lost a rare Pokémon. He charged me for ‘Emotional Distress’.
21. The Pharmacist: “Is this medicine available as a digital download?” “It’s a liquid, ma’am. You have to swallow it.”
22. The Stethoscope: “Your heart sounds like a low-data warning.”
23. The Ear Exam: “I hear a chirping.” “That’s just your Twitter notifications. Put it on silent.”
24. The Surgeon’s Hands: “Steady as a surgeon’s.” “Even with the 2-second lag on the robotic controls?”
25. The Memory: “Doctor, I forgot my cloud password again.” “Join the club. It’s the 2016 version of amnesia.”
26. The Nurse: “Scale of 1 to 10?” “My pain is a 5, but my phone signal is a 1. I’m panicking.”
27. The Surgeon 2: “I’m using 3D-mapping for your surgery.” “Does it look like a video game?” “Yes, but there are no ‘Extra Lives’.”
28. The Waiting Room 2: I’ve been here so long I’ve actually reached ‘Level 30’ on my phone.
29. The HMO: “We don’t cover ‘VR-Related Nausea’. That’s an entertainment injury.”
30. The Transplant: “We found a donor, but their ‘Privacy Settings’ are blocking the surgery.”
31. The Bill: “Why is there a ‘Tele-Surcharge’?” “Because I had to look at your messy bedroom during the call.”
32. The Heart: “Your pulse is fast.” “I’m in a ‘Gym Battle’!” “Sit down before you faint.”
33. The Dentist: “You have a cavity.” “Can I pay in ‘Poké-Coins’?”
34. The HMO Gym: It’s just a room where you run away from your own insurance premiums.
35. The Sleep Study: “You stop breathing.” “I was just concentrating on my high score.”
36. The Blood Pressure: It hit 190 when the doctor said his ‘Video Portal’ doesn’t support my browser.
37. The Mirror: “I look ‘Low-Res’.” “That’s the front-facing camera. Nobody looks good in 720p.”
38. The Referral: He sent me to a specialist who only works via ‘Snapchat’. All his advice disappears in 10 seconds.
39. The Emergency: “Is there a doctor here?” “I’m a YouTube Influencer!” “Great, tell everyone I’m dying so I get more followers.”
40. The Surgeon’s Hobby: “I collect 2014 iPhones. They’re so retro.”
41. The Pill Logic: “Take this pill and stay offline for a week.” “I’d rather have the flu.”
42. The Diet 2: “I’m eating ‘Clean’.” “So you’re just hungry and posting about it constantly?” “Yes.”
43. The Surgeon’s Ego: “I’m the king of the ‘Smart-OR’.” “And I’m the king of the ‘Co-pay’. Let’s talk.”
44. The Pharmacy Wait 2: I’ve been here so long the ‘Trending’ drug is already ‘Old News’.
45. The Stress 2: “You’re stressed about ‘The Algorithm’.” “Does it affect my health?” “Only if you care about being seen.”
46. The Ear Exam 2: “I can’t hear anything.” “That’s because you have ‘Wireless Buds’ in. They’re the new trend.”
47. The Knee: “It hurts when I lunge.” “Then stop trying to ‘Catch ’em all’ in the park at midnight.”
48. The Pager: My doctor’s phone buzzed. He said, “I have to go, there’s a Dragonite in the parking lot.”
49. The Generic 2: “Is this generic?” “It’s so generic the bottle is just a QR code.”
50. The Virus: “It’s a 2016 virus. It spreads through ‘Retweets’ and ‘Shares’.”
51. The Heart 2: “Your heart rate is 160.” “I just saw my ‘Screen Time’ report!”
52. The Vitamin: “Take this. It has ‘Virtual Minerals’.”
53. The Surgeon’s Fee 2: He asked for my ‘Power Bank’ as a deposit.
54. The MRI: “Does this machine work with my ‘Health App’?” “No, it’s a magnet. It’ll erase your ‘Save Game’ and your phone.”
55. The Prescription: “I can’t read this.” “It’s an ‘Emoji’ code. The ‘Skull’ means you’re sick, the ‘Pill’ means take this.”
56. The Dentist 2: “This might hurt.” “My teeth?” “No, the fact that I’m ‘Live-Streaming’ your root canal.”
57. The Final Word: “You’re healthy! Now go outside—but watch where you’re walking!”
58. The Lab Result: “You’re 10% blood, 90% ‘Data Usage’.”
59. The Specialist 2: “He’s the best.” “Why?” “He’s the only one who can diagnose a ‘Selfie-Injury’ without laughing.”
60. The Hospital Bed: “This bed is hard.” “It’s ‘Tele-Health’ compatible. It’s supposed to feel like a laptop.”
61. The Bluetooth Physical: My doctor tried to check my heart with a ‘Bluetooth Stethoscope’. It kept pairing with my car in the parking lot.
62. The App Update: “I have a headache.” “Check for a ‘Brain-Update’. You might be out of date.”
63. The Selfie Wrist: “It hurts to type.” “Stop taking 50 selfies a day and your wrist will heal.”
64. The Digital Gown: “This gown is thin.” “It’s designed for ‘Optimal Camera Resolution’ during video calls.”
65. The Cyber-Consultation: “Doctor, I feel cold.” “Try turning up the brightness on your monitor.”
66. The Cloud Heart: “My heart is in the cloud.” “That’s not good, Dave. We need it in your chest.”
67. The VR Nausea: “I feel sick.” “Did you go to space?” “No, I just played Star Wars for 6 hours.”
68. The Pokémon Catch: I caught a Pokémon in the operating room. The surgeon said, “Hey, that’s mine! I’ve been hunting it all morning!”
69. The End: “You’re cured! Now go ‘Explore’—but please, look at the sidewalk once in a while.”