68 Doctor Jokes: The 2006 “Twitter Launch & Wii-hab” Edition

In 2006, psychiatry faced a new challenge: the world started shrinking its attention span to 140 characters. Doctors were trying to treat “MySpace Narcissism” while dealing with patients who came in with “Wii Elbow” from playing virtual tennis for ten hours straight. It was the year when your psychiatrist might follow you on Twitter just to see if your “manic episode” was actually just a very long thread about a sandwich.

The 2006 Top 10: The “Psychiatrist & Social Status” Classics

1. The Twitter Therapy: My psychiatrist told me to start tweeting my feelings. I said, “I can’t fit my childhood trauma into 140 characters.” He said, “Perfect, then it’s not that serious.”
2. The MySpace Mirror: “Doctor, I’m obsessed with my top eight friends.” “That’s not a disorder,” the shrink said, “that’s just 2006. Now, why am I only at number nine on your list?”
3. The Wii-hab: I went to the doctor for a sore arm. He said, “You have Wii-itis. The cure is to play real tennis, but that requires going outside, which I know you won’t do.”
4. The Rorschach 2.0: I looked at the inkblot and said, “It looks like a server error.” The psychiatrist sighed, “You’ve been on the internet too long, Dave.”
5. The Narcissist’s Couch: “Doctor, everyone is jealous of my profile picture.” The psychiatrist replied, “I’m not. It’s blurry and you’re wearing a trucker hat.”
6. The Diagnosis: “You have ‘Continuous Partial Attention’.” “What’s that?” “Sorry, I was checking my phone. What did you say?”
7. The Billable Hour: “Doctor, I feel like a clock.” “Well, your time is up. That’ll be $200.”
8. The YouTube Trauma: “I watched a video of myself dancing on YouTube and now I’m depressed.” “That’s not clinical depression,” the doctor said, “that’s just good taste.”
9. The Group Therapy: “Welcome to the group for people addicted to the internet. Everyone please take a seat and turn off your BlackBerrys… No? Okay, see you next week.”
10. The Second Opinion: “Doctor, I think I’m a moth.” “You should see an ophthalmologist.” “Why?” “Because you keep bumping into the light on my desk.”

The Psychiatrist’s Couch (Special 2006 Extended List)

11. The Invisibility: A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doctor, nobody ever listens to me.” The psychiatrist says, “Is someone there? I thought I heard a breeze.”
12. The Split Personality: “Doctor, I think I’m two different people.” “Okay, but keep it down, the waiting room only has one chair left.”
13. The Paranoia: “I feel like everyone is watching me.” “On MySpace? They aren’t. That’s the real tragedy, isn’t it?”
14. The Forgetfulness: “Doctor, my memory is gone.” “When did you first notice this?” “Notice what?”
15. The Kleptomaniac: “I keep stealing things.” “Have you taken anything for it?” “Yes, a flat-screen TV and your stapler.”
16. The Napoleon Complex: “I think I’m a great leader.” “In 2006, we call that being a ‘Moderator’ on a forum.”
17. The Childhood: “Tell me about your father.” “He’s a computer programmer.” “Ah, so that’s why you only respond to ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ questions.”
18. The Depression: “I feel like a 56k modem in a DSL world.”
19. The Phobia: “I’m afraid of the letter ‘t’.” “Today?” “AAAHHH!”
20. The Delusion: “I think I’m a dog.” “Get off the couch!” “I can’t, I’m not allowed on the furniture.”
21. The Lightbulb: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it takes 12 sessions and the lightbulb has to find its own inner glow.
22. The Narcissist: “Doctor, I’m the most humble person I know.”
23. The Workaholic: “I can’t stop working.” “Are you a doctor?” “No, I’m your psychiatrist. Now get out, I have 40 more patients.”
24. The Anxiety: “I’m worried about the economy.” “Don’t be. By the time you pay this bill, you won’t have any money left to worry about.”
25. The Schizophrenia: “Doctor, I keep hearing voices.” “Do they have anything interesting to say?” “No, they’re just arguing about politics.” “Sounds like Twitter.”
26. The Freudian Slip: When you say one thing but mean your mother.
27. The Dream Analysis: “I dreamed I was a muffler.” “You woke up exhausted, didn’t you?”
28. The Bipolar: “I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster.” “Did you pay for the ticket?” “No.” “Then it’s a disorder. If you paid, it would be a vacation.”
29. The Therapy Dog: My psychiatrist has a dog. The dog just stares at me and judges my shoes.
30. The Silence: We sat in silence for 50 minutes. At the end, he said, “We’re making great progress.”
31. The Ego: “My ego is too big.” “In 2006, we call that ‘Personal Branding’.”
32. The Perfectionist: “I can’t stand mistakes.” “I’ll try to be perfect,” the doctor said, while accidentally spilling coffee on my file.
33. The Addiction: “I’m addicted to ‘World of Warcraft’.” “I’ll prescribe you ‘Outside’. It’s an expansion pack with very realistic graphics.”
34. The Relationship: “My wife says I don’t listen.” “What did you say?” “I don’t know, I wasn’t listening.”
35. The Panic Attack: “I can’t breathe!” “Look at your bank balance. Now you have a reason not to breathe.”
36. The Introvert: “I hate people.” “Me too,” the psychiatrist said. “But you’re paying me to hide it.”
37. The Mirror: “I don’t like who I see in the mirror.” “Turn the lights off. That’ll be $150.”
38. The Stress: “You’re stressed about the future.” “No, I’m stressed about 2006.”
39. The Career: “I want to be a psychiatrist.” “Fine, start by telling yourself why that’s a bad idea.”
40. The Closure: “I need closure.” “The door is right there. Close it on your way out.”

The Rest of the 2006 Clinic (General Jokes)

41. The Surgeon: “I’m going to operate.” “Do you have the latest firmware?”
42. The Pharmacy: “This pill is for social anxiety. It makes you forget people exist.”
43. The Diet: “The ‘Wii-Fit’ diet: You eat whatever you want, but you have to wave your arms while doing it.”
44. The Eye Exam: “Can you read the small print?” “It says ‘Terms and Conditions Apply’.”
45. The X-Ray: “Your ribs are fine, but your heart is shaped like a ‘Like’ button.”
46. The Nurse: “The doctor is running late. He’s stuck in a YouTube rabbit hole.”
47. The Reflex: He hit my knee. I posted about it on my blog.
48. The Pager: My doctor finally threw his pager into a lake. He felt better instantly.
49. The Generic: “Is this generic?” “It’s so generic it doesn’t even have a bottle. I just handed it to you.”
50. The Heart: “Your heart is beating fast.” “I’m listening to ‘Panic! At The Disco’!”
51. The MRI: “It’s like being trapped inside a giant fax machine.”
52. The Blood Test: “You’re 10% blood, 90% energy drinks.”
53. The Dentist: “You have a cavity.” “Can I fix it with a Bluetooth headset?”
54. The Surgeon’s Hobby: “I collect 2006 flip-phones. I use them as scalpels.”
55. The Vitamin: “Take this. It has ‘Web 2.0’ minerals.”
56. The Ear Exam: “I can’t hear you.” “That’s because you still have those white iPod headphones in.”
57. The Knee: “Your knee is ‘Old Media’. You need a ‘Digital’ replacement.”
58. The Bill: “This bill is for the time I spent thinking about your case while I was at the gym.”
59. The Specialist: I went to a “BlackBerry Specialist.” He just told me my thumbs were too big.
60. The Emergency: “Is there a doctor here?” “I’m a Doctor of Divinity!” “Great, pray for this guy’s insurance.”
61. The Surgeon’s Hands: “Steady as a rock.” “Because of the Botox?” “Maybe.”
62. The Pharmacy Wait: I’ve been waiting so long that the ‘New’ drug is now a ‘Legacy’ product.
63. The Virus: “It’s a viral video virus. You’ll feel fine, but you’ll have an urge to film yourself.”
64. The Heart 2: “Your pulse is irregular.” “Like my internet connection?”
65. The Final Word: “You’re cured!” “Really?” “Yes, your MySpace profile looks much healthier now.”
66. The Lab Result: “You’re negative for everything except ‘2006 Boredom’.”
67. The Specialist 2: “He’s the best.” “Why?” “He’s the only one who doesn’t use ‘Google’ mid-session.”
68. The Exit: “See you next week. Don’t forget to ‘Poke’ me on Facebook.”