71 Doctor Jokes: The 2007 “iPhone Launch & WebMD Anxiety” Edition

In 2007, psychiatry became a battle against the “Touchscreen Delusion.” Patients stopped looking at Rorschach tests and started showing doctors their “perfect” lives on social media while crying about their actual lives. It was the year of the “Cyber-Session,” where the biggest breakthrough was often getting a patient to put their phone face down for more than five minutes.

The 2007 Top 10: The “Smartphone & Shrink” Classics

1. The iPhone Addiction: My psychiatrist asked why I keep stroking my thigh. I said, “I’m not, I’m just trying to scroll through my thoughts like I do on my new iPhone.”
2. The WebMD Loop: A man told his psychiatrist, “I have 47 different mental disorders according to WebMD.” The psychiatrist replied, “And according to my bill, you have ‘Too Much Free Time’ and ‘High-Speed Internet’.”
3. The Silent Treatment: My psychiatrist spent the whole session looking at his new iPhone. I said, “Are you analyzing me?” He said, “No, I’m trying to figure out how to make this ‘App’ thing work.”
4. The Facebook Depression: “Doctor, I feel like my life isn’t as cool as my friends’ photos.” “That’s not depression,” he said, “that’s just 2007. Everyone is lying with filters now.”
5. The Narcissist 2.0: “I’m worried about my ego.” “Is it too big?” “No, it just doesn’t have enough ‘Likes’ yet.”
6. The Multi-Tasker: My psychiatrist is so modern, he lets me have a panic attack while he’s on hold with his own insurance company.
7. The Diagnosis: “You have ‘Ringxiety’.” “What’s that?” “The phantom feeling that your phone is vibrating when you don’t even have a phone.”
8. The Group Therapy: “Welcome to the meeting for people who can’t stop checking their email. First, let’s all put our BlackBerries in the bin… Wait, why is everyone crying?”
9. The Second Opinion: “Doctor, I think I’m a computer.” “Well, in 2007, that just means you’re smarter than me but you crash twice a day.”
10. The Bill: “Doctor, I feel like a million bucks.” “Great! That’s exactly what this treatment costs after inflation.”

The Psychiatrist’s Couch (Special 2007 Extended List)

11. The Invisibility: “Doctor, I feel like I’m a ghost.” “I’m sorry, did you book an appointment? I don’t see anyone on my calendar.”
12. The Split Personality: “I feel like I’m two people.” “Good, then you can pay for the person who didn’t show up last week.”
13. The Paranoia: “I feel like Steve Jobs is watching me.” “Don’t worry, he only cares about your wallet.”
14. The Forgetfulness: “I keep forgetting my 4-digit passcode.” “That’s not a brain issue, that’s just ‘Technology Overload’.”
15. The Kleptomaniac: “I can’t stop stealing.” “Did you take anything for it?” “Yes, your gold watch and the ‘New Patient’ form.”
16. The Napoleon Complex: “I think I’m a world leader.” “Sir, you’re just a moderator on a very small Tolkien forum.”
17. The Childhood: “My mother was a robot.” “Did she give you enough ‘RAM’?”
18. The Depression: “I feel like a 3G connection in a 4G world.”
19. The Phobia: “I’m afraid of ‘The Cloud’.” “It’s just someone else’s computer, relax.”
20. The Delusion: “I think I’m a glass of orange juice.” “Well, try not to spill yourself, the rug is new.”
21. The Lightbulb: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but only if the lightbulb admits that its darkness is a choice.
22. The Narcissist: “Doctor, I’m so humble it’s actually impressive.”
23. The Workaholic: “I work 20 hours a day.” “Are you a doctor?” “No, I’m a startup founder.” “Ah, so you’re delusional. Sit down.”
24. The Anxiety: “I’m worried about 2008.” “Why? 2007 is already hard enough.”
25. The Schizophrenia: “The voices in my head are arguing.” “About what?” “Whether or not the iPhone is overhyped.”
26. The Freudian Slip: When you mean to say “I’ll call you,” but you say “I’ll bill you.”
27. The Dream Analysis: “I dreamed I was an app.” “Were you free or paid?”
28. The Bipolar: “One minute I’m high, the next I’m low.” “That’s not a disorder, that’s just the stock market.”
29. The Therapy Dog: My psychiatrist’s dog is also a therapist. He charges two treats an hour.
30. The Silence: We sat in silence. He checked his watch. I checked my phone. We both felt better.
31. The Ego: “I’m a genius.” “In 2007, everyone with a Wikipedia tab thinks they’re a genius.”
32. The Perfectionist: “I hate typos.” “I’ll try to be corect,” the doctor whispered.
33. The Addiction: “I’m addicted to ‘Guitar Hero’.” “I’ll prescribe you a ‘Real Guitar’. It’s harder, but the neighbors will hate you more.”
34. The Relationship: “My girlfriend dumped me via text.” “Did she use an emoji? It’s important for the diagnosis.”
35. The Panic Attack: “I can’t breathe!” “Is it your asthma or did you just see the price of the 8GB iPhone?”
36. The Introvert: “I want to live on an island.” “Does the island have Wi-Fi? Because if not, you’ll be back in two days.”
37. The Mirror: “I don’t recognize myself.” “That’s because you’re using too many MySpace filters.”
38. The Stress: “You’re stressed about your ‘Digital Footprint’.” “What’s that?” “Everything you’ll regret in five years.”
39. The Career: “I want your job.” “Fine, start by listening to yourself talk for 45 minutes.”
40. The Closure: “I need a sign.” “The ‘Exit’ sign is right there.”
41. The Motivation: “I have no drive.” “Have you tried downloading an ‘Efficiency App’?”
42. The Social Anxiety: “I’m afraid to talk to people.” “Just text them. It’s 2007, nobody talks anymore.”
43. The Hypochondriac: “I have a rare digital fever.” “That’s just your laptop overheating on your lap.”
44. The Memory: “I can’t remember life before the internet.” “Neither can I. That’ll be $200.”
45. The Insomnia: “I can’t sleep.” “Stop glowing in the dark. Put the phone away.”
46. The Self-Esteem: “I feel small.” “Stand on your wallet. You’ll feel much taller.”
47. The Anger: “I’m always mad.” “Stop reading YouTube comments.”
48. The Logic: “Doctor, I’m a bird.” “Why are you here then?” “Because I can’t afford a vet.”
49. The Trauma: “My childhood was a 1.0 version.” “We’ll try to patch it in 2.0.”
50. The Phobia 2: “I’m afraid of ‘Dead Zones’.” “Me too, especially when I’m billing by the minute.”
51. The Compulsion: “I keep refreshing my browser.” “There’s no update for your life, sir.”
52. The Personality: “I have no personality.” “Don’t worry, you can buy a ‘Skin’ for that online.”
53. The Mid-Life Crisis: “I bought a sports car and a Bluetooth headset.” “Classic 2007.”
54. The Regression: “I feel like a baby.” “Do you want a bottle or a fresh diaper?”
55. The Guilt: “I feel guilty about everything.” “Including this $200 bill?” “Now I do!”
56. The Obsession: “I’m obsessed with ‘Lost’.” “We all are. Just wait for the finale; you’ll need a real psychiatrist then.”
57. The Vision: “I see the future.” “Is it expensive?” “Very.”
58. The Identity: “I don’t know who I am.” “Check your ‘About Me’ section.”
59. The Reality: “I’m losing touch with reality.” “Reality is overrated. Have you seen ‘Second Life’?”
60. The Patient: “Doctor, help me!” “I’m trying, but your insurance company is blocking my ‘Frequency’.”
61. The Office: “Your office is very beige.” “It’s ‘Calming Neutral’. It costs more than white.”
62. The Couch: “Is this leather?” “It’s ‘Synthetic Empathy’.”
63. The Clock: “Why does the clock tick so loudly?” “To remind you that every tick is five dollars.”
64. The Advice: “What should I do?” “Do what I do. Charge people for advice you don’t follow.”
65. The Secret: “Tell me a secret.” “I’m crazier than you are. But I have the keys.”
66. The Cure: “Is there a cure?” “Yes, but you won’t like it. It involves ‘Unplugging’.”
67. The Diagnosis 3: “You have ‘Screen-Glare Syndrome’.”
68. The HIPAA 2: “I can’t tell you your diagnosis. It’s a secret between me and my accountant.”
69. The Breakthrough: “I feel better!” “That’s because the session is over.”
70. The Feedback: “How did I do?” “You were a solid B+. Try harder next week.”
71. The End: “Time is up. Take this ‘App’ and call me in the morning.”