65 Doctor Jokes: The 2008 “Financial Crash & App Store” Edition

In 2008, medical humor was a mix of “How am I going to pay for this?” and “There’s an app for that.” While the economy was flatlining, doctors were busy explaining that a stock market crash isn’t a physical injury, though it certainly felt like one. It was the year surgeons started using iPhones to level their operating tables and dentists started accepting gold fillings back as payment.

The 2008 Top 10: The “Market Crash & Mobile Medicine” Classics

1. The Economic Physical: My doctor checked my pulse and said, “Your heart is doing better than my 401(k), so at least one of us is surviving 2008.”
2. The App Store Fever: I told my doctor I found an app that listens to my heartbeat. He said, “Great, does it also have an app that pays my rent? Because if not, get on the table.”
3. The Surgeon’s Fee: I asked the surgeon for a discount. He said, “I can’t lower the price, but I can offer you a subprime mortgage on your new hip.”
4. The Stress Test: “You passed the stress test,” the doctor said. “Which means you’re officially the only person in America who isn’t worried about their bank account.”
5. The Dentist’s Investment: My dentist said he’s stopped investing in stocks and started investing in gold crowns. “It’s the only currency that’s still ‘in the mouth’,” he joked.
6. The GPS Diagnosis: My doctor was using his new smartphone during the exam. I asked what he was doing. He said, “I’m trying to find your appendix, but Google Maps says it’s a ’30-minute walk with traffic’.”
7. The Psychiatrist’s Bargain: “Doctor, I’m depressed about the economy.” The psychiatrist replied, “Me too. Let’s just sit here and cry for 45 minutes. I’ll only charge you half.”
8. The Pharmacy Wait: I’ve been waiting for my prescription so long that the pharmaceutical company went bankrupt, was bailed out, and merged with a bank.
9. The Diagnosis: “You have ‘BlackBerry Finger’.” “Is it serious?” “Only if you’re trying to sell your stocks before they hit zero.”
10. The Second Opinion: “Doctor, I need a second opinion.” “Fine, I also think your insurance is worthless.”

The 2008 General Clinic Mix (Extended Archive)

11. The Vision: “I see red everywhere.” “That’s not your eyes, that’s just your bank statement.”
12. The Surgeon: “I’m going to operate.” “Wait, did you get a bailout for this procedure?”
13. The Diet: “I’m on the ‘Financial Diet’.” “What’s that?” “I can only afford to eat what I find in the office breakroom.”
14. The Exercise: “I started running.” “To get fit?” “No, to outrun the debt collectors.”
15. The X-Ray: “Your ribs are fine, but your wallet looks like it’s been through a paper shredder.”
16. The Pediatrician: “Your son is very healthy.” “Great, can he get a job? We need the help.”
17. The Anesthesia: “I’m going to put you to sleep.” “Can you leave me under until the Dow Jones hits 12,000 again?”
18. The Insurance: I asked if my plan covers ‘Extreme Anxiety.’ They said, “Only if it’s caused by us.”
19. The Specialist: I went to a ‘Foreclosure Specialist.’ Turns out it was just a surgeon who specializes in removing people from their homes.
20. The Reflex: He hit my knee. I didn’t move. He said, “Your body has officially given up. Welcome to late 2008.”
21. The Pharmacist: “This pill is $500.” “Can I pay in gas coupons and hope?”
22. The Stethoscope: “Your heart sounds like a sinking ship.” “Is that bad?” “Only if you’re the captain.”
23. The Ear Exam: “I hear a whistling.” “That’s just the wind blowing through your empty savings account.”
24. The Surgeon’s Hands: “Steady as a surgeon’s.” “Even during a recession?” “Actually, I’m shaking because I’m cold. They turned off the hospital heater.”
25. The Memory: “Doctor, I keep forgetting my debts.” “I wish I had that disease,” the doctor sighed.
26. The Nurse: “Scale of 1 to 10?” “My pain is an 8, but my credit score is a 3.”
27. The Surgeon 2: “I’m using a robotic arm.” “Does it have its own insurance?”
28. The Waiting Room: They replaced the magazines with ‘How to Survive a Great Depression’ pamphlets.
29. The HMO: “We don’t cover ‘Broken Dreams’. That’s a pre-existing condition for everyone born before 1990.”
30. The Transplant: “We found a donor liver, but the liver is currently in a ‘Liquidation Sale’.”
31. The Bill: “There’s a ‘Convenience Fee’ on here.” “For what?” “For me not crying while I gave you the total.”
32. The Heart: “Your pulse is fast.” “I’m watching the news!” “Stop doing that. It’s bad for your health and my sanity.”
33. The Dentist: “You have a cavity.” “Can we just fill it with concrete? It’s cheaper.”
34. The HMO Gym: It’s just a room where you try to climb a mountain of paperwork.
35. The Sleep Study: “You stop breathing at night.” “I’m probably just trying to save on oxygen.”
36. The Blood Pressure: It hit 180 when the doctor said his co-pay only accepts ‘Cash or Gold Bars.’
37. The Mirror: “I look 10 years older.” “That’s just the ‘2008 Filter’. It comes for us all.”
38. The Referral: He sent me to a specialist who is currently working at a Starbucks because his clinic closed.
39. The Emergency: “Is there a doctor here?” “I’m a Doctor of Economics!” “Someone help him, he’s hallucinating!”
40. The Surgeon’s Hobby: “I collect vintage 2007 stock certificates. They make great bandages.”
41. The Pill Logic: “Take this pill with water and a very optimistic attitude.”
42. The Diet 2: “I’m eating only generic brands.” “Good, your cholesterol is down, but your self-esteem is lower.”
43. The Surgeon’s Ego: “I’m the best.” “And I’m the one paying for your third vacation home… oh wait, no I’m not.”
44. The Pharmacy Wait 2: I’ve been here so long that the ‘New’ drug is now a ‘Government-subsidized’ drug.
45. The Stress 2: “You’re stressed about your mortgage.” “No, I’m stressed about the fact that you’re charging me for this conversation.”
46. The Ear Exam 2: “I can’t hear out of my right ear.” “Stop holding your phone to see the stock ticker every 5 seconds.”
47. The Knee: “It hurts when I kneel.” “Then stop praying for a market recovery and stand up.”
48. The Pager: My doctor’s pager finally died. He didn’t replace it; he said he doesn’t want anyone to be able to find him.
49. The Generic 2: “Is this generic?” “It’s so generic it’s just a piece of paper that says ‘Feel Better’.”
50. The Virus: “It’s a 2008 virus. It’s slow, depressing, and hard to get rid of.”
51. The Heart 2: “Your heart rate is 140.” “I’m looking at my gas bill!” “Valid.”
52. The Vitamin: “Take this. It has ‘Economic Minerals’.” “Which are?” “Mostly iron and rust.”
53. The Surgeon’s Fee 2: He asked for my car as a deposit. I told him it’s a Hummer. He said, “Never mind, I can’t afford the gas.”
54. The MRI: “Does this machine scan for hope?” “No, just gallstones. Hope was an out-of-network expense in 2007.”
55. The Prescription: “I can’t read this.” “It says ‘Sell your stocks and buy canned beans’.”
56. The Dentist 2: “This might hurt.” “My teeth?” “No, the fact that I don’t take insurance anymore.”
57. The Emergency Room: I waited 12 hours. I saw four people get married and two people retire in the lobby.
58. The Final Word: “You’re cured!” “Really?” “Yes, your credit card was approved. You’re healthy now.”
59. The Lab Result: “You’re 30% blood and 70% ‘Anxiety about the Future’.”
60. The Specialist 2: “He’s the best.” “Why?” “He’s the only one who still has a working stethoscope.”
61. The Hospital Bed: “This bed is hard.” “It’s a ‘Recession-proof’ bed. It’s made of recycled cardboard.”
62. The Anesthesia 2: “I’m going under.” “See you when the bailouts are over!”
63. The Surgeon’s Hands 2: “Steady as a surgeon’s.” “Even with the caffeine?” “I can’t afford caffeine. This is just pure adrenaline.”
64. The Exit: “See you next year!” “Not if I’m living in my car!”
65. The Recovery: “You’ll be back on your feet in no time. Mostly because you won’t be able to afford a chair.”