36 Thanksgiving Jokes: The 1997 “Titanic & Tamagotchi” Edition

In 1997, Thanksgiving was a high-stakes drama. It was the year of the “Great Barney Disaster,” the debut of the Rugrats balloon, and the constant fear that your virtual pet would starve to death while you were carving a real bird.

The 1997 Top 10: “HindenBarney & The Heart of the Ocean”

1. The Barney Incident: Why was the 1997 Macy’s Parade rated R? Because 2 million people watched the NYPD “arrest” Barney the Dinosaur with combat knives after high winds turned the “I Love You” dino into a giant, flapping purple hazard on 51st Street.
2. Titanic: Why did Mom refuse to let anyone help with the dishes? Because she was standing at the sink with her arms out, screaming, “I’m the queen of the world!” until the turkey pan hit the “iceberg” of leftovers.
3. Tamagotchi: Why was the 1997 dinner table so stressful? Because every five minutes, a digital beep reminded the kids that while they were eating turkey, their virtual chicken was currently dying of neglect in their pocket.
4. Google.com: How did we find out if the turkey was done? We “Googled” it on a brand-new domain name, but by the time the search results loaded, it was already Christmas.
5. The McCaughey Septuplets: Why did Dad feel like a failure? Because an Iowa family just had seven babies at once, and he was struggling to handle two kids and a slightly overcooked drumstick.
6. Men in Black: Why was Uncle Jim wearing sunglasses indoors? Because he was convinced the cranberry sauce was actually “alien goo” and he didn’t want the rest of the family to “neuralyze” his memory of the game.
7. Spice World: Why was the kitchen so divided? Because Grandma was “Old Spice,” Mom was “Posh Spice,” and the turkey was “Dry-As-A-Bone Spice.”
8. The Mars Pathfinder: Why did the toddler crawl across the dining room floor so slowly? He wasn’t tired; he was just pretending to be the Sojourner rover taking soil samples of the fallen stuffing.
9. South Park: Why were the parents whispering? Because South Park had just premiered, and they were trying to explain to Grandpa why a cartoon about an 8-bit kid getting an “anal probe” was the peak of American culture.
10. Tiger Woods: Why was Grandpa so focused on the centerpiece? Because 21-year-old Tiger Woods had just won the Masters, and Grandpa was convinced he could “putt” a cranberry into a glass of wine from across the table.

The Full 1997 Thanksgiving Archive (Highlights)

11. Dolly the Sheep: Why did we have two identical turkeys? Because “cloning” was the biggest news of the year, so Mom just made a backup bird in case the first one “didn’t take.”
12. The Rugrats Balloon: Why was the parade extra noisy? Because the Rugrats made their giant balloon debut, and every toddler in NYC was screaming “Reptar!” at a six-story baby.
13. Harry Potter: Why was the nephew reading at the table? Because a “little book about a wizard” had just come out in the UK, and he was already waiting for his owl to bring him the leftovers.
14. The Cat in the Hat: Why was the parade so dangerous? Because the Cat in the Hat balloon decided to take out a lamppost, proving that 1997 winds had a personal vendetta against childhood icons.
15. Hale-Bopp Comet: Why did the cousins refuse to wear the family sweaters? Because after the Heaven’s Gate news, anyone wearing matching clothes and Nikes was legally required to stay 50 feet away from the punch bowl.
16. Internet Explorer 4: Why was the family computer screaming? Because it was trying to install a “browser war,” and the modem was losing the battle against a high-resolution photo of a pumpkin.
17. Scream 2: Why did everyone jump when the timer went off? Because the sequel was about to hit theaters, and suddenly every kitchen timer sounded like a masked killer calling from inside the house.
18. The Teletubbies: Why was the baby staring at the microwave? Because the Teletubbies premiered, and he was waiting for Tinky Winky to pop out and offer him some “Tubby Custard” instead of yams.
19. Flubber: Why was the gravy so bouncy? Because Robin Williams’ new movie was out, and Dad accidentally used green Jell-O instead of cornstarch.
20. The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony”: Why was the walk to the table so dramatic? Because everyone felt like they were in a music video, shoulders-bumping into the doorframe on purpose.
21. The Notorious B.I.G.: Why was the mood “Mo Money Mo Problems”? Because the guest list grew by ten people, but the turkey stayed the same size.
22. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Why was the teen girl holding a sharpened drumstick? Because Buffy taught her that you can never be too prepared for a “vampire” (or a nosy aunt) at Thanksgiving.
23. Deep Blue vs. Kasparov: Why did the computer win the dinner argument? Because IBM’s supercomputer had just beaten a chess world champion, and now the family PC felt entitled to choose the TV channel.
24. The DVD (US Launch): Why was the rich uncle laughing at the VCR? Because he just bought a “Digital Video Disc” player and was explaining how we’d never have to use a pencil to rewind the turkey ever again.
25. Hercules: Why did the kids keep shouting “Zero to Hero”? Because McDonald’s Hercules plates were the only thing they’d eat off of, and Zeus forbid you gave them a plain one.
26. Air Force One (Movie): Why did Grandpa guard the kitchen? Because he saw Harrison Ford and declared: “Get off my stove!” to anyone trying to sneak a roll.
27. Austin Powers: Why was the gravy so “groovy”? Because after the first movie, saying “Yeah, baby!” was the only acceptable response to being asked if you wanted more stuffing.
28. Beanie Babies: Why was the table covered in small stuffed animals? Because Grandma convinced everyone that a “Purple Princess Diana Bear” was going to pay for the kids’ college tuition.
29. Chumbawamba: Why was the uncle so resilient? Because he got knocked down (by the eggnog), but he got up again, and you’re never gonna keep him down.
30. Celine Dion: Why was the dinner so loud? Because “My Heart Will Go On” was on every radio station, and Mom was hitting the high notes while mashing the potatoes.
31. Ally McBeal: Why was the aunt dancing with a hallucination? Because the show premiered, and she was convinced a “Dancing Baby” was currently doing the cha-cha on the cranberry sauce.
32. The 56k Modem: Why did the teenager think he was a speed demon? Because he upgraded his modem and could now see a picture of a turkey in “only” 45 seconds.
33. King of the Hill: Why did Dad start talking about propane? Because the show premiered, and he suddenly realized that charcoal-grilling a turkey was an insult to “Propane and Propane Accessories.”
34. Daria: Why was the niece so unimpressed? Because she was channeling her inner MTV-cartoon-cynic and found the concept of “gratitude” to be a shallow construct of the military-industrial holiday complex.
35. The Nintendo 64 (GoldenEye): Why was the basement a “No-Oddjob” zone? Because the cousins were playing four-player split-screen, and choosing the short guy was considered a treasonous offense.
36. The Final 1997 Vibe: Why was everyone so “Titanic-obsessed”? Because we knew that as long as we had enough mashed potatoes, the ship of family holiday drama could never truly sink.