55 Adult Jokes: The 2013 “Twerking & Frozen Hearts” Edition

In 2013, adult humor reached a new level of “What did I just watch?”. From Miley’s foam finger to the addictive nature of Candy Crush, we spent the year wondering if we should “Let It Go” or just double-down on the chaos. It was the year of the Vine (6-second fame), the Selfie becoming an official word, and the realization that Netflix & Chill was becoming the new dating standard.

The 2013 Top 10: The “Wrecking Ball & Wall Street” Jokes

1. The Miley Cyrus Marriage: A guy tells his wife, “I want to spice things up like Miley Cyrus!” She looks at him and says, “If you come in here on a wrecking ball and start twerking, the only thing you’re breaking is your hip and our insurance premium.”
2. The Wolf of Wall Street Reality: “I’m like Jordan Belfort!” “A millionaire stockbroker?” “No, I just spent too much money on lunch, I’m shouting for no reason, and I’m pretty sure I’m about to be escorted out of this Target.”
3. The Frozen Fever: Why is a wife like Elsa? Because one minute she’s fine, and the next she’s telling you to “Let It Go”—but she’s definitely not letting it go, and now the whole house is freezing cold.
4. The GTA V Obsession: “I just made 2 million dollars in a heist!” “In the game?” “Yes.” “Great. Can you use some of that virtual cash to pay the very real plumber who’s currently fixing the sink you ignored all day?”
5. The Harlem Shake Date: A guy starts spasming in the middle of dinner. His date asks, “Are you okay?” He says, “It’s the Harlem Shake!” She says, “In 2013 we call it a trend, but I’m calling it an ambulance. We’re done here.”
6. The Candy Crush Addiction: “I need more lives!” “For what? Your career?” “No, I’m stuck on Level 147 and I’ve already sent ‘Request Help’ notifications to everyone I’ve ever met, including my ex-boss.”
7. The Selfie Stick Logic: “Look, I can take a photo of us from three feet away!” “Congratulations, Dave. You’ve invented a way to look like a lonely tourist in our own living room.”
8. The Breaking Bad Finale: “I’m the one who knocks!” “No, you’re the one who forgets to lock the back door. Sit down, Heisenberg, your ‘blue crystal’ is just a bag of frozen blueberries.”
9. The Vine Lifestyle: “I can tell my whole life story in six seconds!” “That’s perfect, because that’s exactly how long I can listen to you before I start checking my phone.”
10. The Pope Francis Effect: “The new Pope is so cool and relatable!” “Does that mean he’ll forgive me for spending our savings on a PS4?” “I think even the Vatican has its limits, Harold.”

The Full 2013 Adult Archive (Items 11–55)

11. The Tinder Swipe: “I’ve been swiping for three hours.” “Find anyone?” “No, but I’ve developed a thumb cramp and a deep sense of social inadequacy. 2013 is great.”
12. The Iron Man 3 Tech: “My suit is flying to me in pieces!” “No, those are just the clothes you left on the floor being thrown at you by your wife.”
13. The Grumpy Cat Part 2: “I had fun once. It was awful.” “Stop quoting the cat, Steve. We’re at a wedding.”
14. The Man of Steel: “I’m Superman!” “Unless you can fly to the store and get me some wine in ten seconds, you’re just a guy in a tight shirt.”
15. The Netflix Binge: “We watched the whole season of House of Cards in one night!” “Are you proud?” “No, I feel like a human potato and I’ve forgotten what sunlight looks like.”
16. The Blurred Lines: “I hate that song!” “Why? It’s catchy!” “Because it sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen and I can’t get the ‘hey hey hey’ out of my head.”
17. The Selfie Word of the Year: “I’m taking a ‘selfie’!” “We used to call that ‘being vain’, now we call it ‘The Oxford Dictionary’s favorite word’. What a time to be alive.”
18. The 12 Years a Slave: “This movie is so powerful.” “It’s incredible.” “Is it too early to ask if we can watch a cartoon now? I’m emotionally destroyed.”
19. The Gravity Movie: “I feel like I’m floating in space!” “That’s just the third margarita hitting you, Sandra. Stay in your seat.”
20. The What Does the Fox Say?: “Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!” “If you say that one more time, the Fox is going to say ‘I’m filing for divorce’.”
21. The Great Gatsby Party: “I’m throwing a Gatsby-style party!” “Does that mean we’ll have jazz and illegal gin?” “No, it means I’ll stare longingly at a green light while you complain about the cost of the napkins.”
22. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: “The odds are never in my favor.” “That’s because you’re trying to bet on sports with money we don’t have, Katniss.”
23. The Blackfish Documentary: “I’m never going to SeaWorld again!” “You haven’t been to SeaWorld in 15 years, Dave. Your protest is slightly late.”
24. The World War Z: “The zombies are fast now!” “Just like you when you hear the pizza delivery guy at the door.”
25. The Despicable Me 2: “I love the Minions!” “They’re just yellow pills with eyes. It’s basically a metaphor for your supplement cabinet.”
26. The We’re the Millers: “You guys are getting paid?” “No, we’re just a real family having a fight in a CVS parking lot.”
27. The American Hustle: “I love the 70s hair!” “You look like a disco ball that went through a blender. Change your shirt.”
28. The Pacific Rim: “I’m piloting a giant robot!” “You’re controlling a dishwasher and you’re doing a terrible job. Focus.”
29. The This Is the End: “The apocalypse is here!” “No, it’s just the Wi-Fi router acting up again. Calm down, Seth Rogen.”
30. The Now You See Me: “Now you see me… now you don’t!” “Is that your plan for avoiding the in-laws this weekend?”
31. The Identity Thief: “Someone stole my identity!” “Did they improve your credit score? Because if so, let them keep it.”
32. The Fast & Furious 6: “It’s all about the ride.” “The only ‘ride’ you’re going on is the bus to work if you don’t stop spending money on car parts.”
33. The Star Trek Into Darkness: “I am Khan!” “No, you’re just angry because I ate the last of the leftovers.”
34. The Evil Dead Remake: “I found a book bound in human skin!” “That’s just your old high school yearbook, put it away, it’s embarrassing.”
35. The Conjuring: “The house is clapping!” “No, that’s just the neighbors celebrating because we finally moved the junk pile from the porch.”
36. The 21 & Over: “I’m going to party like I’m 21!” “You’re 35. If you party like you’re 21, you’ll be hungover until 2015.”
37. The Anchorman 2: “Stay classy!” “I’m trying, but you’re currently eating nachos in the bathtub. It’s a struggle.”
38. The Lone Ranger Fail: “I’m a hero of the West!” “You’re a guy in a mask who spent $200 million on a movie nobody watched. Sit down.”
39. The Kick-Ass 2: “I’m a real-life superhero!” “The ‘superpower’ of falling off a ladder isn’t going to get you into the Avengers, Kevin.”
40. The Thor: The Dark World: “I’m visiting the Nine Realms!” “You’re visiting the nine aisles of the grocery store. Don’t forget the eggs.”
41. The Carrie Remake: “She has telekinesis!” “I wish I had telekinesis so I could bring the beer from the fridge without getting up.”
42. The Prisoners Movie: “Where is my daughter?!” “She’s at sleepaway camp, Hugh. You dropped her off this morning.”
43. The Rush Movie: “I’m a Formula 1 driver!” “You’re a commuter in a minivan. The only ‘rush’ you’re in is to get to the bathroom.”
44. The Don Jon: “I’m addicted to… the internet.” “We know, Don. We’ve seen the browser history and the ‘Incognito’ tabs.”
45. The Insidious 2: “The ghost followed us!” “No, that’s just your student loan debt. It follows everyone.”
46. The Percy Jackson 2: “I’m a demigod!” “You’re a demi-adult who still asks his mom for laundry help.”
47. The 47 Ronin: “I’m a samurai!” “You’re a guy with a butter knife and a very expensive bathrobe.”
48. The Scary Movie 5: “Is it a parody of a parody?” “No, it’s just not funny. Let’s turn it off.”
49. The Ride Along: “I’m going on a ride along!” “With the police?” “No, with my wife to the mall. It’s much more dangerous.”
50. The Last Vegas: “We’re going to Vegas one last time!” “Great. Try not to lose your dentures at the blackjack table.”
51. The About Time: “I can travel back in time!” “Go back to ten minutes ago and don’t tell that joke about my mother.”
52. The 2013 Exit: “Why was 2013 so weird?” “Because it was the year we realized that everything is a meme and nothing is sacred.”
53. The New Year’s 2014 Resolution: “My resolution is to stop twerking… mostly because my back can’t take it anymore.”
54. The Flappy Bird Fever: “I’m addicted to a pixelated bird!” “Is it fun?” “No, I want to smash my phone every ten seconds. It’s the best game ever.”
55. The Doge Meme: “Such joke. Much laugh. Very 2013. Wow.”