38 Presidential Jokes: The 2012 “Mayan Apocalypse & Binders Full of Women” Edition

In 2012, the American Presidency was a high-stakes digital battle. It was the year of the “47 percent,” the year we learned that “horses and bayonets” were out of style, and the year the President proved that a simple photo of a hug could break the internet.

The 2012 Executive Top 10: “Segregators & Superstorms”

1. The “Binders Full of Women” Quote: Why was Mitt Romney looking for office supplies in 2012? Because he thought the best way to diversify his Cabinet was to browse through a Mead five-star folder.
2. The “Four More Years” Tweet: Why did the photo of the Obamas hugging go viral? Because after two years of campaign ads, Americans were just relieved to see two people who actually liked each other.
3. The “Horses and Bayonets” Jab: Why did Obama win the foreign policy debate? Because he reminded Romney that modern warfare is less about “The Last of the Mohicans” and more about “The Last of the Predators” (drones).
4. The 47 Percent Video: Why was the hidden camera at the fundraiser so damaging? Because it turns out that “Writing off half the country” is a great way to make sure the other half shows up to vote.
5. The “Big Bird” Defense: Why was Sesame Street a campaign issue? Because Mitt Romney promised to cut PBS funding, proving that even a 7-foot yellow bird isn’t safe from a “balanced budget.”
6. The Superstorm Sandy Handshake: Why was Chris Christie hugging Obama a scandal? Because in 2012, a Republican Governor thanking a Democratic President for disaster relief was considered a “breach of contract.”
7. The Clint Eastwood Chair Speech: Why did the RNC feature an empty chair? To show that in 2012, a 92-year-old legend arguing with furniture was still more coherent than most of the 24-hour news cycle.
8. The Curiosity Rover Landing: Why did the White House love “Mohawk Guy”? Because he made NASA look like a cool rock band instead of a group of people doing very difficult math in beige pants.
9. The Mayan Apocalypse: Why didn’t the world end in December 2012? Because the Mayans forgot that humans aren’t done arguing about the 2012 election results yet.
10. The “You Didn’t Build That” Quote: Why was the GOP so mad? Because the President tried to explain “infrastructure” using a sentence that made every small business owner in America reach for their pitchforks.

The Full 2012 Presidential Jokes Archive

11. The Gangnam Style Craze: Why did the President refuse to do the dance? Because “Oppan Obama Style” was a headline the Secret Service just wasn’t prepared to handle.
12. The “Etch-A-Sketch” Comment: Why was Romney’s advisor so honest? To prove that in 2012, a campaign strategy was only as permanent as a toy that you shake to erase.
13. The London Olympics: Why was “McKayla is Not Impressed” the meme of the year? Because it’s exactly the face the American public made every time they saw a new campaign ad.
14. The Hunger Games Premiere: Why did it resonate in D.C.? Because watching young people fight for survival while the elite watched from a distance felt like a “Job Fair” in 2012.
15. The Joe Biden “Malarkey” Moment: Why was the VP debate so loud? Because Joe Biden realized that “Malarkey” is a much more presidential way of saying “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
16. The Candy Crowley Fact-Check: Why was the debate moderator in the news? Because in 2012, telling the truth in real-time was considered an “unauthorized intervention.”
17. The Kony 2012 Video: Why did it disappear so fast? To prove that the only thing shorter than a viral video’s lifespan is a politician’s promise in an election year.
18. The Avengers Release: Why did the White House study the movie? To see if “The Hulk” was available to handle the “Fiscal Cliff” negotiations.
19. The Solstice “Hedge” Scandal: Why did the Secret Service jump the fence? Because in 2012, even the bushes at the White House were under investigation.
20. The Paul Ryan Workout Photos: Why did the VP candidate pose with weights? To show that he could lift a budget proposal and a dumbbell at the same time—though only one had actual substance.
21. The “Fired Up, Ready to Go” Chant: Why was it back? Because “Slightly Concerned, Ready to Compromise” didn’t have the same ring to it at a rally.
22. The Instagram Acquisition: Why did Facebook pay $1 billion? Because they realized that “Photos of Food” were the only thing 2012 Americans valued more than their own privacy.
23. The “Selfie” Emergence: Why did the word become popular? Because 2012 was the year we stopped looking at the candidates and started looking at ourselves looking at the candidates.
24. The Skyfall Premiere: Why was Bond so gloomy? Because after 50 years, even 007 realized that “Cyber-terrorism” is a lot less fun than a guy with a golden gun.
25. The Mars “Seven Minutes of Terror”: Why was it called that? Because it’s the same amount of time it takes to explain a “Tax Loophole” to a voter without them falling asleep.
26. The “Bay of Pigs” (Again): Why did Romney mention it? To prove that in 2012, the 1960s were still the “Current Events” section of his foreign policy briefing.
27. The Tesla Model S Release: Why was the White House happy? Because a “Luxury Electric Car” was the perfect way to show that “Green Energy” was for people who don’t worry about the price of gas.
28. The “Texts from Hillary” Meme: Why did the Secretary of State love it? Because it was the only time in 2012 that “Classified Emails” were considered a cool fashion accessory.
29. The Grumpy Cat Debut: Why was the cat so famous? Because she was the only one on the internet who was honest about how she felt about the 2012 debates.
30. The Benghazi Controversy: Why was the White House so defensive? Because in an election year, a “Crisis” is just another word for “The Other Side’s Newest Commercial.”
31. The “Fiscal Cliff” Panic: Why were we all worried about January 1st? Because Washington decided that the best way to celebrate the New Year was with a massive, self-inflicted economic disaster.
32. The Queen Jumping from a Plane: Why did the 2012 Olympics start with a stunt? To prove that the British Monarchy has a better PR team than the entire U.S. Congress.
33. The “Dog on a Plane” vs. “Dog on a Roof”: Why was the animal debate so fierce? Because in 2012, how you treat your pet was a better indicator of your character than how you treat the deficit.
34. The “I’m barack Obama, and I Approve This Message”: Why did we hear it 5,000 times? Because the law says you have to take credit for the mud you throw.
35. The Google Glass Demo: Why did people wear them? To prove that in 2012, we were willing to look like “Star Trek” extras just to check our emails while walking into a pole.
36. The Red Bull Stratos Jump: Why did Felix Baumgartner jump from space? To see if the “View from the Top” was better than the view from the 2012 unemployment line.
37. The Election Night Map: Why did it look so familiar? Because after a billion dollars spent, the country realized they were exactly where they started—just a lot more tired.
38. The Final 2012 Vibe: Why was it “Resilient”? Because we survived the end of the world, a superstorm, and a trillion-dollar election, and we still had enough energy to do the “Harlem Shake” (almost).