A moment of brutal honesty in the morning. I looked in the mirror and said, “Well, at least I’m not as old as I’ll be tomorrow.”

A essential disclaimer for modern communication. Sarcasm: because beating people up is illegal.

A mathematical tragedy with no happy ending. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

A schedule for those who live life on the edge. I’m going to stop procrastinating… starting tomorrow.

A warning for those who can’t see the obvious. I saw a sign that said “Watch for children.” I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

The struggle of waking up to wake up. I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.

How many people does it really take? How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they have to wait for the whole world to revolve around them first.

A two-word masterpiece of deception. “I’m fine.”

Seeing the glass half full, even when it’s empty. An optimist is someone who falls off a skyscraper and, halfway down, says, “So far, so good!”