A journey into the real world that lasted five minutes. I deleted my social media for an hour. It was the most productive ten minutes of my life until I got bored.

Buying things you will never actually cook. I bought a bag of kale. It’s currently in the fridge, waiting to be thrown away in two weeks.

The daily battle between man and machine. My alarm clock and I have a great relationship. I hate it, and it loves to annoy me.

The truth about growing up no one told you. Adulting is 90% wondering when you can go back to sleep and 10% deciding what’s for dinner.

A gathering where the guest list is zero. I’m having a party for introverts. It’s being held at my house, and nobody is invited. I’m already having a great time.

The most sincere modern spiritual request. Dear Lord, please let the Wi-Fi be strong and the password be easy to guess. Amen.

The hardest battle you will ever fight. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

A scientific discovery made every Monday morning. Gravity is one of the fundamental forces of nature. Especially when you’re trying to get out of bed.

The fastest magic trick in the world. My wallet is like a portal to another dimension. Everything I put in it disappears instantly.

A rare commodity in the modern world. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.