83 Office Groaners: The 2010 “iPad & Inception” Edition

The 2010 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The iPad Debut: Why did the boss bring a cutting board to the meeting? He didn’t; it was the new iPad, and he spent the whole hour trying to type a memo with two fingers while looking like he was playing a giant piano.
2. The Inception Logic: Why did the project manager get stuck in a dream? Because he was in a “Strategy Session” about a “Planning Committee” regarding a “Status Update”—he’s now five levels deep and can’t find his totem.
3. The Instagram Filter: Why did the office lunch look so “Vintage”? Because the intern put a “Sepia” filter on a picture of a 2010 tuna sandwich and called it “Art.”
4. The Foursquare Mayor: Why was the salesman crying at the front desk? Because the receptionist “checked-in” more than him and stole his title as “Mayor of the Lobby.”
5. The Angry Birds Fever: Why was the boardroom so tense? Because everyone was trying to hit the “Triple Star” level on Poached Eggs instead of hitting the Q3 sales targets.
6. The Old Spice Guy: Why did the manager start the meeting with “Look at your man, now back to me”? Because he watched the commercial and now thinks he’s the “Man Your Man Could Smell Like” (he actually just smells like toner).
7. The Windows Phone 7: Why was the IT guy so excited about “Tiles”? Because he finally had a phone that looked like a bathroom floor, but with live updates.
8. The Toy Story 3 Cry: Why was the accounting department weeping? They watched Toy Story 3 over lunch and realized their old calculators were probably feeling abandoned in the basement.
9. The “Like” Button Everywhere: Why did the boss put a “Like” sticker on my physical report? Because 2010 was the year we forgot how to say “Good job” without a blue thumb.
10. The WikiLeaks Panic: Why did the CEO shred his own lunch menu? He heard about “Leaks” and decided that even his choice of ham vs. turkey was a matter of national security.

The Full 2010 Archive (Extended List)

11. The FarmVille Peak: Why did the secretary quit? Because she lost her “Legendary Cow” and realized her digital farm was more stressful than the real office.
12. The iPhone 4 “Antennagate”: Why was the boss holding his phone with two fingers like a tea cup? “I’m not dropping the call, I’m just holding it wrong!”
13. The Netflix “Disc” Era: Why was the mailroom so busy? Because we were still getting DVDs in red envelopes while pretending that “Streaming” was the future.
14. The “Double Rainbow” Quote: Why was the intern staring at the printer? “Whoa! It’s a double paper jam! What does it MEAN?!”
15. The Pinterest Launch: Why was the breakroom full of DIY jars? Because the marketing team started “pinning” things and now we live in a craft store.
16. The Google Instant: Why was the clerk so fast? Because Google started guessing his searches before he even finished his bad ideas.
17. The MacBook Air (Second Gen): Why was the designer so smug? He had a laptop so thin he accidentally used it as a bookmark.
18. The Facebook “Places”: Why was the manager confused? He “checked-in” to the breakroom and was disappointed there was no trophy.
19. The Kindle 3 “Graphite”: Why was the boss staring at a grey screen? He heard it was “E-Ink” and spent ten minutes waiting for it to glow.
20. The USB 3.0 Realization: Why was the tech guy pointing at a blue port? “It’s ten times faster! I just need to find a cable that actually exists!”
21. The Groupon Craze: Why did the office order 500 cupcakes? Because the boss found a “Daily Deal” and saved $5 on a $400 order.
22. The StarCraft II Launch: Why was the IT department “unavailable” for a week? They were busy “defending the sector” from a Zerg rush.
23. The “Social Media Guru”: Why did the intern get a new title? Because he knew how to use a hashtag and the CEO thought he was a wizard.
24. The iPad Case: Why did the boss’s tablet look like a leather book? Because in 2010, “High Tech” had to look like “Old Library” to be professional.
25. The Skype Mobile: Why was the salesman talking to his phone in the bathroom? He was “testing the mobile video call” and forgot about the mirrors.
26. The Spreadsheet Glow: Why did the chart look like it was under water? Because Office 2010 added “Artistic Effects” and now the budget looks like a watercolor painting.
27. The Optical Mouse Precision: Why did the dad brag? “6400 DPI! I can click a ‘Close’ button from three monitors away.”
28. The 3D TV Hype: Why were the executives wearing glasses during the budget report? They thought the “Bar Charts” would jump out and solve themselves.
29. The 64GB USB Drive: Why was it a legend? Because you could fit the entire company’s email history on something you’d definitely lose in a taxi.
30. The “You’re Fired!” Catchphrase: Why did the manager stop using it? Because HR told him he wasn’t Donald Trump and it was actually causing “Employee Trauma.”
31. The Gmail “Priority Inbox”: Why was the clerk confused? He didn’t understand why Google was “judging” which of his friends were more important than others.
32. The Laptop “Island” Keyboard: Why was the writer so happy? His keys were now “Chiclet” style, which meant he could type “I quit” with more style.
33. The Winamp “Lite”: Why was the IT guy crying? Because the “Llama’s Ass” was finally being put out to pasture by Spotify.
34. The Search for “Malware”: Why was the receptionist scanning her PC? She heard about “Stuxnet” and was worried her office fan would start spinning out of control.
35. The Laptop Weight: Why was it “Ultra-Portable”? Because it was 3 pounds, but the manager still complained it was “too much to carry to the kitchen.”
36. The Wikipedia “Personal Appeal”: Why did the intern feel watched? Because Jimmy Wales’ face was on every page asking for the price of a latte.
37. The VoIP “Skype HD”: Why was the boss so clear? Because 2010 was the year we realized we could see every pore on the CEO’s face during a 720p call.
38. The USB “Warm Socks”: Why was the worker wearing thermal gear? Because 2010 “USB Gadgets” were the only thing keeping him warm in the cubicle tundra.
39. The BlackBerry Torch: Why was the manager frustrated? He had a slider phone with a touchscreen that worked exactly 50% of the time.
40. The Digital Camera “Smile Detection”: Why was the dad making a weird face? He was trying to trick the camera into thinking he was “Joyful” enough to save the photo.
41. The Office Password: Why was it “NewDecade2010!”? Because the IT guy said “New year, new chance for hackers to guess your dog’s name.”
42. The Laptop “Sleep” Mode: Why did it work this time? Because Windows 7 finally learned the difference between “Sleep” and “Permanent Coma.”
43. The New Year Toast: Why did we drink “Coconut Water”? Because 2010 was the year we thought “Electrolytes” were the secret to corporate immortality.
44. The MSN Messenger “Wink”: Why did the screen freeze? Because the intern sent a “Giant Boxing Glove” that knocked the boss’s RAM out of existence.
45. The Mouse “Side-Scroll Wheel”: Why was the accountant so happy? He could navigate the “Infinite Spreadsheet” without moving his arm.
46. The Laptop Wi-Fi “Hotspot”: Why was the salesman so popular? Because he could “tether” his phone and provide internet to the whole stranded airport lounge.
47. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “Glossy”? Because in 2010, if it didn’t look like it was covered in liquid glass, it wasn’t modern.
48. The Folder Navigation: Why was the manager lost? He clicked “Libraries” and realized he had no idea where his “Actual Files” lived anymore.
49. The Google Maps “Street View” Privacy: Why was the employee wearing a wig? He heard the “Google Car” was mapping the parking lot and he was supposed to be at a dentist appointment.
50. The World of Warcraft “Cataclysm”: Why was the IT room on fire? Because they were “prepared” for the world to end, but not for the server to lag.
51. The Laptop Resolution: Why was 1920×1080 the “Gold Standard”? Because you could finally see your failure in Full HD.
52. The MySpace “Redesign”: Why was the screen blue? Because MySpace tried to be a “social entertainment hub” and everyone else just went to Facebook.
53. The Office Chair “Standing Desk” Trend: Why was the manager standing on a box? He heard “Sitting is the new smoking” and decided to tower over everyone.
54. The Digital Voice Recorder: Why was the boss whispering? He was “Dictating his 10-year plan” into a 2GB stick that would end up in the laundry.
55. The Gmail “Conversation View”: Why did the clerk give up? He couldn’t find the “Contract” buried under 85 “Re: Re: Re: Re: Dinner?” emails.
56. The Laptop Heat: Why was the desk smoking? Because the “Core i7” was trying to render a 1080p video while running an Excel macro.
57. The Firefox “Sync”: Why was the nerd smiling? He could see his bookmarks from 2007 on his phone and felt like a digital time traveler.
58. The Facebook “Open Graph”: Why did everyone know the boss was listening to Nickelback? Because Spotify “auto-posted” his guilty pleasures to his wall.
59. The Mad Men Suit: Why was the manager wearing a skinny tie? He thought he was “Retro Professional,” but he just looked like he was going to a 1960s prom.
60. The USB “Mini Fridge”: Why was the computer beeping? Because a one-can fridge was “stealing” all the power from the motherboard.
61. The iPhone “FaceTime”: Why was the boss staring at his own chin? He was “Video Calling” his wife and forgot that cameras have angles.
62. The Laptop “Instant-On”: Why was the salesman bragging? “My computer wakes up in 2 seconds! I don’t even have time to regret my life choices!”
63. The Google “Doodle”: Why was productivity down? Because there was a “playable guitar” on the Google homepage and everyone was a rockstar for an hour.
64. The Dropbox “Referral”: Why was the intern emailing everyone? He was “Begging” for 250MB of extra space so he could store his “Research” (movies).
65. The Office 2010 “Backstage”: Why was the secretary confused? She clicked “File” and the whole screen turned blue, making her think the computer died.
66. The LinkedIn “Recommendations”: Why did the salesman have a glowing review from his mom? Because “Professional Networking” was getting desperate.
67. The 1080p YouTube Video: Why was it so slow? Because the office Wi-Fi wasn’t ready for “Cinema Quality” during a lunch break.
68. The Final 2010 Task: Why did the manager bring a “Tablet” to the Christmas party? To take photos that looked like he was holding a giant sheet of glass.
69. The Path App Launch: Why was the designer so exclusive? He had a social network limited to 50 people and he only liked 5 of them.
70. The Instagram “Sepia” Salad: Why was the meal so dark? Because the filter made the lettuce look like it was from the Great Depression.
71. The Laptop “Battery Health”: Why was the salesman crying? His “Ultra-book” battery only lasted 3 hours and he forgot his “Proprietary” charger.
72. The Google “Chrome OS” Rumor: Why was the IT guy scared? He heard about a computer that was “Just a Browser” and thought his job was over.
73. The Facebook “Movie”: Why was the accountant staring at the screen? He watched The Social Network and now thinks he’s one “Algorithm” away from a billion dollars.
74. The iPhone 4 “Flash”: Why was everyone blind? Because the first iPhone with a flash was like taking a picture with a lighthouse.
75. The “Uptown Funk” Pre-hype: Why was the office radio so funky? Because 2010 was the year we started preparing for the brass section to take over.
76. The Laptop “Chicklet” Keyboard: Why did it sound so quiet? Because the “Clicky-Clack” of the 90s was officially replaced by the “Tap-Tap” of the future.
77. The Spreadsheet “Sparklines”: Why were there tiny graphs in the cells? Because “Data Visualization” had officially become “Microscopic.”
78. The Corporate “Synergy” 3.0: Why did we have a meeting about “The Cloud”? To figure out if our data was “Safe from the weather.”
79. The Laptop “Sleep” Mode: Why did the fan still run? Because the computer was “Dreaming” about a 2011 update.
80. The Bluetooth Headset “Blink”: Why was the manager a lighthouse? Because his “Jawbone” headset had a red light that warned people he was “Important.”
81. The Kindle “E-Ink” Flash: Why did the boss blink? He thought the screen was “re-setting his brain” every time he turned a page.
82. The “YOLO” Origin: Why was the intern acting reckless? He heard “You Only Live Once” and decided that “Save As” was for cowards.
83. The Final 2010 Joke: Why did the manager bring a “Top” to the 2011 planning meeting? To see if it would “stop spinning” and tell him if he was still in a meeting.