76 Office Groaners: The 2011 “Siri & Google+” Edition

The 2011 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Siri Struggle: Why did the manager yell at his iPhone 4S? Because he asked Siri to “Remind me to be a better boss,” and she replied, “I found 5 therapists in your area.”
2. The Google+ Circle: Why was the intern so lonely? He added the whole office to his “Work Circle” on Google+, but he’s still the only one posting there.
3. The Minecraft Launch: Why did the IT department buy 500 pickaxes? They didn’t; the new hires just convinced them that “mining for resources” was a legitimate way to manage the database.
4. The iCloud Sync: Why was the boss confused? He deleted a photo on his iPad and was terrified when it “magically” disappeared from his iPhone. “The sky is stealing my memories!”
5. The Charlie Sheen Moment: Why did the sales lead shout “Winning!” after losing a client? Because it was 2011, and he had “Tiger Blood” instead of a realistic business plan.
6. The Snapchat Start: Why was the secretary sending photos that disappear? She called it “The Future of Privacy,” but the boss just thinks the phone is broken.
7. The Rebecca Black Friday: Why was the office radio banned on the last day of the week? Because if the intern played “Friday” one more time, the accountant was going to “kickin’ in the front seat.”
8. The Harry Potter Finale: Why was the atmosphere so somber? Because the “Boy Who Lived” finished his journey, and now the office just feels like a bunch of Muggles doing paperwork.
9. The Netflix “Qwikster” Fail: Why was the CEO laughing? Because Netflix tried to split into two companies and realized that “DVD by mail” and “Streaming” were actually better together—just like coffee and donuts.
10. The Plank Trend: Why was the accountant lying face down on the filing cabinet? He wasn’t passing out; he was “Planking” for his 15 followers on Twitter.

The Full 2011 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Kindle Fire: Why did the boss smell smoke? He heard the new Kindle was “Fire” and thought the IT department was finally burning the old records.
12. The 4G LTE Speed: Why was the salesman so smug? He had a phone with 4G and claimed he could download a movie before the elevator reached the 5th floor.
13. The Angry Birds Rio: Why was the marketing team so colorful? They spent their “Strategy Session” helping tropical birds escape cages instead of helping the company escape debt.
14. The Spotify US Launch: Why was the office finally at peace? Because everyone could listen to their own music without fighting over the radio—as long as they ignored the ads.
15. The “Cloud” Storage: Why did the manager bring an umbrella to the server room? He heard everything was moving to “The Cloud” and he didn’t want the backup to get wet.
16. The Game of Thrones Hype: Why did the boss start saying “Winter is coming”? Because the Q4 budget review was approaching and he wanted to sound dramatic.
17. The iPad 2 Thinness: Why was the designer so happy? His new tablet was so thin he accidentally used it to level his wobbly desk.
18. The Facebook Timeline: Why was HR digging through 2007? Because the new “Timeline” feature made everyone’s old party photos much too easy to find.
19. The Chromebook Debut: Why was the intern using a browser as a computer? He told the IT guy, “Everything I need is on the web,” and the IT guy replied, “Including your unemployment application?”
20. The Nintendo 3DS: Why was the clerk squinting? He was trying to see the “Glasses-free 3D” and just ended up with a massive headache and a digital dog.
21. The Adobe Creative Cloud: Why was the designer crying? Because he found out he has to pay for Photoshop every month for the rest of his life.
22. The “Occupy Wall Street” Talk: Why did the intern set up a tent in the breakroom? He wanted to “Occupy the Coffee Machine” until he got a paid position.
23. The Temple Run Addiction: Why was everyone sliding their fingers on their screens? They were “running for their lives” from a demon monkey instead of running the payroll.
24. The Motorola RAZR (Droid): Why was it back? Because Motorola decided the “RAZR” brand was like a zombie—it just won’t die, it just gets thinner and smarter.
25. The Siri “Easter Eggs”: Why was the boss talking to his phone about the meaning of life? He heard Siri had “hidden jokes” and he was desperate for a laugh.
26. The Google Panda Update: Why was the marketing manager screaming? Because a “Panda” just ate all of his SEO rankings.
27. The Office 365 Start: Why did the boss like the name? He thought “365” meant we had to work every single day of the year.
28. The Skyrim Sick Day: Why was the office empty in November? Everyone was busy being “Dragonborn” and taking an arrow to the knee.
29. The QR Code Hype: Why was there a weird black square on the memo? The boss told us to “Scan it for a surprise,” but the link just went to a 404 page.
30. The Dropbox “Public Folder”: Why was the intern embarrassed? He realized his “Holiday Photos” were accidentally shared with the entire “Public” internet.
31. The Bluetooth 4.0: Why was it “Low Energy”? Because just like the staff on a Monday morning, it used the absolute minimum power to stay connected.
32. The MacBook Pro “Thunderbolt”: Why was the tech guy so excited? He had a port that was “Lightning Fast” but had nothing to plug into it.
33. The Pinterest “Pinboard”: Why was the breakroom full of “Mason Jar” ideas? Because the marketing team decided we needed to “Pin” our way to success.
34. The LinkedIn “Skills” Endorsement: Why did the accountant endorse the boss for “Whistling”? Because he couldn’t find a skill for “Actual Management.”
35. The Instagram “Filter” Obsession: Why did the office look like a 1970s postcard? Because every photo had the “Toaster” filter applied to it.
36. The Laptop “Ultrabook”: Why was it so expensive? Because making a computer that weighs less than a sandwich is apparently a luxury.
37. The Minecraft “Creeper” Joke: Why did the IT guy jump? Someone made his ringtone a “Hissing” sound.
38. The Siri “Set an Alarm”: Why did the manager wake up at 4 AM? Because he asked Siri for an alarm at “Four” and she didn’t realize he meant “PM.”
39. The Google Music (Beta): Why was the nerd happy? He could upload 20,000 songs to the sky and listen to them in the elevator.
40. The “First World Problems” Meme: Why was the secretary sighing? “My second monitor is 1 inch smaller than my first one. #FirstWorldProblems.”
41. The USB 3.0 Realization: Why was the tech guy still pointing at the blue port? “It’s 2011! Why is everything I own still 2.0?!”
42. The Kindle Touch: Why was the boss poking his screen? He finally got a Kindle he could “touch,” and now it’s covered in fingerprints.
43. The “Bridesmaids” Quote: Why was the intern crying in the bathroom? “Help me, I’m poor!”
44. The Nokia Windows Phone: Why were they together? Because two “Underdogs” (Nokia and Microsoft) thought they could beat the Apple and Google giants with “Tiles.”
45. The Office Assistant (Clippy) Ghost: Why was the clerk nervous? He swore he saw a “Paperclip” in the corner of his Windows 7 screen.
46. The Twitter “Trending Topic”: Why did the boss tweet about “Synergy”? He wanted to see if he could make a buzzword trend in the breakroom.
47. The Laptop Battery Life: Why was the salesman happy? His “Ultrabook” lasted 5 hours, which was just enough to finish one flight without the screen going black.
48. The Wikipedia “Blackout”: Why was the office in a panic? They had to “actually think” for a whole day because the encyclopedia went dark for a protest.
49. The Siri “What is 0 divided by 0?”: Why was the intern sad? Because Siri told him he had “no friends” and it felt a bit too personal.
50. The Google Maps “Navigation”: Why was the driver in a lake? He followed the “Beta” voice and forgot that cars aren’t boats.
51. The 1080p Webcam: Why was the boss so clear? Because we could finally see the “Despair” in his eyes during the Monday morning Zoom… wait, we called it Skype back then.
52. The USB “Thumb Drive” Size: Why was 64GB so big? Because you could fit the company’s entire legacy and still have room for a “Harry Potter” marathon.
53. The Office Password: Why was it “Siri2011!”? Because the IT guy wanted us to remember the year our phones started talking back.
54. The Laptop “Sleep” Mode: Why did it work? Because in 2011, “Instant-On” became a real thing and not just a marketing myth.
55. The New Year Toast: Why did we drink “Energy Shots”? Because 2011 was the year we stopped drinking coffee and started drinking “Concentrated Productivity.”
56. The MSN Messenger “Nudge”: Why did the screen shake? Because the intern was still trying to use a 2005 social tool in a 2011 world.
57. The Mouse “Multi-touch”: Why was the designer “swiping” his mouse? Because Apple made a mouse with no buttons and he’s been lost ever since.
58. The Laptop Wi-Fi “Hotspot”: Why was the salesman a hero? Because he turned his phone into a “Router” and saved the meeting at the airport.
59. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “Transparent”? Because 2011 was the peak of “Aero Glass” and everything had to look like a bubble.
60. The Folder Navigation: Why was the manager lost? He clicked “Recent Files” and found a document from 1999 that he forgot to delete.
61. The Google “Doodle” Game: Why was productivity down? Because there was a “Playable Pac-Man” on the homepage and the boss was aiming for a high score.
62. The World of Warcraft “Level 85”: Why was the IT room quiet? Because they finally reached the “Max Level” and realized they still had to do the backups.
63. The Laptop Resolution: Why was 1366×768 still here? Because the “HD” dream was still a “720p” reality for most office workers.
64. The MySpace “Sale”: Why was the accountant laughing? Because the site that was worth billions sold for the price of a fancy lunch.
65. The Office Chair “Standing Desk”: Why was the manager standing? He heard “Sitting is the new smoking” and decided to tower over the cubicles.
66. The Digital Voice Recorder: Why was the boss whispering? He was “Dictating his visionary thoughts” into a 4GB stick.
67. The Gmail “Priority Inbox”: Why did the clerk give up? Because Google decided his “Pizza Coupons” were more important than the “Quarterly Report.”
68. The Laptop Heat: Why was the desk smoking? Because the “i7 Processor” was trying to play a 1080p video while running an Excel macro.
69. The Firefox “Rapid Release”: Why was the nerd confused? “I just updated to version 5, why am I already on version 8?!”
70. The Facebook “Ticker”: Why was everyone annoyed? Because now we could see exactly who was “Liking” what in real-time, and it was too much information.
71. The Mad Men Style: Why did the manager buy a skinny tie? He thought he was “Retro Professional,” but he just looked like a confused extra.
72. The USB “Plasma Ball”: Why was the desk so “Electric”? Because 2011-era USB gadgets had officially entered their “Science Fair” phase.
73. The iPhone “Antenna” Solution: Why was the boss’s phone wearing a “Bumper”? To make sure he didn’t “hold it wrong” and drop the call to the CEO.
74. The Laptop “Backlit” Keyboard: Why was the office dark? Because the tech guy wanted to show off that his keys “glowed in the dark.”
75. The Google “Art Project”: Why was productivity down? Everyone was busy “walking through the Louvre” from their desk.
76. The Final 2011 Task: Why did the manager bring a “Wand” to the 2012 planning meeting? He wanted to “Expecto Patronum” the budget deficit.