78 Office Groaners: The 2017 “Fidget Spinners & FaceID” Edition

The 2017 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Fidget Spinner Meeting: Why was the boardroom buzzing? It wasn’t the ventilation; it was every middle manager in the building spinning a piece of plastic to “increase focus” while completely losing track of the agenda.
2. The iPhone X FaceID Fail: Why was the boss making weird faces at his phone? He got the new iPhone X and it wouldn’t recognize him after he put on his “serious manager” glasses.
3. The Bitcoin Expert: Why did the sysadmin suddenly start wearing a Rolex? Because he bought $100 of Bitcoin in 2011 and spent the whole day explaining “Blockchain” to people who just wanted to know why the printer was broken.
4. The Nintendo Switch “Meeting”: Why was the intern’s desk so quiet? Because he was playing Breath of the Wild on his Switch, hidden behind a stack of 2016 archives.
5. The Salt Bae Filing: Why was the clerk dropping paperclips from his elbow? He watched the “Salt Bae” video and decided that’s how he’s going to “season” the quarterly reports.
6. The “Distracted Boyfriend” Meme: Why was the marketing team staring at a stock photo? Because they realized that “The New Strategy” was the girl in red, and “The Current Budget” was the annoyed girlfriend.
7. The Solar Eclipse Break: Why did the entire company go outside at 2 PM? To wear cardboard glasses and look at a shadow, proving that even a celestial event is better than a spreadsheet.
8. The “Cash Me Outside” Intern: Why was the new hire so aggressive? Because he watched a clip from Dr. Phil and thought “How bow dah?” was a professional way to end a negotiation.
9. The Animoji Memo: Why did the CEO’s announcement look like a talking poop emoji? Because he discovered Animoji on his iPhone X and thought it was a “relatable” way to announce the merger.
10. The IT Movie Hype: Why was there a red balloon tied to the server room door? Because the IT guy watched IT and wanted to make sure nobody ever asked him for help again.

The Full 2017 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Google Home Mini: Why were there tiny fabric donuts everywhere? Because for $29, the boss decided that every cubicle needed a spy that could tell you the weather in London.
12. The “Everything is a Story” Era: Why was the intern filming his morning coffee on LinkedIn? Because 2017 was the year every app added “Stories,” and he felt his espresso needed a 24-hour narrative.
13. The Fortnite Fever: Why was the breakroom full of people doing the “Floss” dance? Because the kids in the warehouse started playing Fortnite and the “Victory Royale” fever reached the boardroom.
14. The Wonder Woman Inspiration: Why did the receptionist start wearing gold arm cuffs? She watched the movie and now she’s “defending the office” from unnecessary meetings.
15. The Tesla Model 3 “Waiting List”: Why was the manager checking his email every 5 minutes? He was #452,000 on the list and he’s been waiting for his “affordable” electric dream since 2016.
16. The Snapchat “Snap Map”: Why was the boss hiding in the bathroom? He forgot he had “Ghost Mode” off and didn’t want the staff to see he’s been in the cafeteria for three hours.
17. The Amazon Buys Whole Foods: Why was there “Artisanal Kale” in the office vending machine? Because Jeff Bezos decided that tech and overpriced asparagus belong together.
18. The “Covfefe” Incident: Why did the intern blame his typo on a “Secret Code”? Because if the President can do it at 3 AM, he can do it in a 9 AM memo.
19. The Nintendo Classic SNES: Why was the executive team fighting? Because the mini-console arrived and everyone wanted to prove they were the king of Street Fighter II.
20. The AirPods “Flex”: Why did the manager keep his white sticks in his ears during the entire fire drill? To show everyone that he lives in a “cordless” reality.
21. The 280-Character Tweet: Why did the boss start writing longer rants? Because Twitter gave him double the space to be 100% more confusing.
22. The “This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” Quote: Why was the HR manager sighing? Because someone broke the new Keurig machine on the first day.
23. The Bitcoin “HODL”: Why did the tech guy refuse to sell his old laptop? He heard it might have a digital wallet on it and he’s “HODLing” for his retirement.
24. The Amazon Echo Show: Why was the boss staring at a screen in his kitchen? He wanted a robot to show him how to make toast, even though he’s been doing it for 40 years.
25. The “Despacito” Radio: Why was the office radio destroyed? Because if we heard that song one more time, the entire sales department was going to “Slowly” lose their minds.
26. The Galaxy S8 “Infinity Display”: Why was the screen so curved? So the manager could see his unread emails literally rolling off the edges.
27. The Dropbox “Professional”: Why was the clerk happy? He got a “Pro” account and spent the day “showcasing” files that no one actually wanted to see.
28. The “Mocking Spongebob” Meme: Why was the email written iN tHiS vOiCe? bEcAuSe tHe iNtErN tHoUgHt iT wAs fUnNy.
29. The USB-C Standard (Year 3): Why was the tech guy still carrying a bag of dongles? Because “Universal” in 2017 meant “Universally Frustrating.”
30. The iPad Pro 10.5: Why was the designer so fast? He had a “ProMotion” screen and claimed he could see 120 frames of his own procrastination per second.
31. The “Man’s Not Hot” Quote: Why was the intern wearing a parka in July? “The girl told me ‘take off your jacket.’ I said, ‘Babes, man’s not hot!'”
32. The FaceID “Mask”: Why was the IT guy wearing a 3D-printed face? He was “testing the security” of the iPhone X (he just wanted to unlock the boss’s phone).
33. The Google Pixel 2 XL: Why was the screen so blue? Because 2017 was the year of “Poled” shifts and nerd outrages.
34. The “Bone Apple Tea” Meme: Why was the catering menu so weird? Because the intern thought “Bon Appétit” was a type of fruit.
35. The Microsoft Teams Growth: Why was the manager sending “Giphy” stickers in the middle of a serious chat? Because Teams made professional life look like a 2005 chatroom.
36. The Fitbit Ionic: Why was the watch so square? Because Fitbit tried to make a “Smartwatch” and it looked like a 1980s vision of the year 2000.
37. The “Shooting Stars” Meme: Why was the manager spinning through space? Because he fell off his chair and the intern edited him into a viral video.
38. The 10th Anniversary iPhone: Why was it $1,000? Because the “future” has a very high entry fee and no Home button.
39. The Adobe Flash “End of Life” Announcement: Why was the web developer celebrating? Because he finally had a date for the funeral of his biggest enemy (2020).
40. The “Netflix and Chill” (Year 3): Why did the boss finally stop using the phrase? Because HR finally sat him down and explained what “Chill” actually meant.
41. The Nintendo Switch “Joy-Con Drift”: Why was the character in the game walking left? Because the “Joy” in the controller had officially left the building.
42. The Google Clips: Why was there a tiny camera staring at the office dog? Because a “smart camera” that takes photos of nothing was the 2017 dream.
43. The “Pennywise” Dance: Why was the manager moving rhythmically? He was trying to be “creepy but cool” for the Halloween party.
44. The iPhone 8 “Glass Back”: Why was the phone shattered? Because Apple brought back glass on both sides, so now you can break your phone twice as fast.
45. The “Get Out” Hype: Why was the intern stirring a cup of tea so intensely? He was trying to hypnotize the manager into giving him a Friday off.
46. The Amazon “Key”: Why was a stranger in the boss’s house? Because he signed up for “In-home delivery” and trusted a robot with his front door.
47. The “Little Einstein” Remix: Why was the warehouse so loud? Because 2017 was the year of “Trap Remixes” of childhood shows.
48. The Laptop “Bezel-less” Dell XPS: Why did the camera look up the manager’s nose? Because “Innovation” meant putting the webcam under the screen.
49. The Wikipedia “Personal Appeal” (Year 7): Why did the intern give $2.75? Because he realized he couldn’t have written his thesis without Jimmy Wales.
50. The VoIP “Zoom” Start: Why did the IT guy say “Forget Skype”? Because a new app called Zoom arrived, and it actually let you see people’s faces without a 5-second lag.
51. The USB “Fidget Spinner”: Why did the computer catch fire? Because 2017-era “Spinning USB Hubs” were the peak of engineering disasters.
52. The BlackBerry Motion: Why was there no keyboard? Because the “Last Stand” of BlackBerry involved a full touchscreen and a lot of tears.
53. The Digital Camera “Mirrorless” Hype: Why did the dad sell his DSLR? He heard “Mirrorless” was the future and he wanted to take photos of his lawn in 42 megapixels.
54. The Office Password: Why was it “Spinner2017!”? Because the IT guy wanted us to remember the year of the spin.
55. The Laptop “Windows 10 S”: Why couldn’t the clerk install Chrome? Because Microsoft made a version of Windows that only lets you use their “Edge” (which was still just IE in a wig).
56. The New Year Toast: Why did we drink “Turmeric Lattes”? Because 2017 was the year “Golden Milk” became a corporate health mandate.
57. The MSN Messenger “True Ghost”: Why did the intern look confused? Because someone mentioned “Nudges” and he thought they were talking about physical assault.
58. The Mouse “Logitech MX Ergo”: Why was it tilted? Because 2017 was the year we realized our wrists were broken and we needed a 20-degree angle to survive.
59. The Laptop Wi-Fi “Mesh”: Why was the manager’s house full of white pucks? He was trying to get “Total Coverage” for his 3 AM emails.
60. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “Minimalist”? Because in 2017, if your data had more than one color, it was “too busy.”
61. The Folder Navigation: Why was the manager lost? He clicked “Files” on his iPhone and realized Apple still didn’t want him to know where things lived.
62. The Google Maps “Find Your Parked Car”: Why was the salesman walking in circles? Because his “Smart Map” told him his car was inside the office elevator.
63. The World of Warcraft “Shadow Anthology”: Why was the IT department quiet? Because they were preparing for the next expansion and “Life” was just a side quest.
64. The Laptop Resolution: Why was “4K” finally on everyone’s wish list? Because we wanted to see our unread notifications in 8 million pixels.
65. The MySpace “Wait, it’s still here?”: Why was the accountant laughing? He found his 2005 profile and realized his “Top 8” were all bots.
66. The Office Chair “Gaming Chair” Trend: Why was the accountant sitting in a racing seat? Because he heard it was “Ergonomic” and now he feels like he’s doing taxes at 200 mph.
67. The Digital Voice Recorder: Why was the boss whispering? He was “Recording his 2018 Pivot” into a 32GB stick.
68. The Gmail “Smart Reply” (Year 4): Why did the clerk love it? “I haven’t used a verb in six months. Thanks, AI!”
69. The Laptop Heat: Why was the desk smoking? Because the “Kaby Lake-R” chip was trying to render a 4K YouTube video of a guy spinning a fidget spinner.
70. The Firefox “Quantum”: Why was the nerd happy? “It’s actually fast! It’s faster than Chrome! Look at the speed!” (Chrome still won).
71. The Facebook “Watch”: Why was the intern watching 5-minute videos of “Life Hacks”? Because 2017 was the year we learned how to cut an onion with a CD.
72. The Mad Men Style (RIP): Why was the manager wearing a hoodie? Because the “Silicon Valley” look officially killed the “Madison Avenue” suit.
73. The USB “Fan” (Year 15): Why was the computer beeping? Still the same power-draw problem since the dawn of time.
74. The iPhone “Portrait Lighting”: Why did the boss’s head look like it was floating in a black void? Because he used “Stage Light” mode and the AI got confused by his bald spot.
75. The Laptop “Battery Life”: Why was the salesman happy? His “MacBook” lasted through the entire “Wonder Woman” movie on a single charge.
76. The Google “Lens”: Why was the manager pointing his phone at a stapler? He wanted the AI to tell him it was a “stapler” just to feel like he lived in the future.
77. The Dropbox “Showcase”: Why was the intern happy? He made a “Visual Portfolio” of his filing work and he was the only one who viewed it.
78. The Final 2017 Joke: Why did the manager bring a “Fidget Spinner” to the 2018 planning meeting? Because he wanted to show that even if the world is “Spinning out of control,” he’s still got a “grip” on the situation.