74 Office Groaners: The 2014 “Ice Buckets & iPhone 6” Edition

The 2013 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Ice Bucket Meeting: Why did the CEO get doused in freezing water during the quarterly review? He called it “Liquid Asset Liquidation,” but everyone else just called it the Ice Bucket Challenge.
2. The Slack Transition: Why did the IT guy throw his desk phone in the trash? He started using Slack and decided that if a message doesn’t come with a custom emoji, it’s not worth reading.
3. The Bendgate Panic: Why was the boss standing up during the entire conference call? He just got the iPhone 6 Plus and was terrified that sitting down would turn his phone into a “taco.”
4. The Interstellar Meeting: Why did the manager bring a spinning top to the boardroom? He watched Interstellar and wanted to explain that due to “managerial relativity,” his five-minute update actually took three hours of our lives.
5. The Alexa Introduction: Why was the accountant talking to a black cylinder? He heard about Alexa and was trying to ask her to “Find the missing $5,000,” but she just started playing “Happy” by Pharrell Williams.
6. The Flappy Bird Grief: Why was the intern crying in the breakroom? Because the creator of Flappy Bird deleted the app, and his high score of 4 was the only thing he had to show for his degree.
7. The Oscars Selfie Replication: Why was the entire marketing team huddling together and looking up at a phone? They were trying to recreate the “Ellen DeGeneres Selfie” to show they were “relatable” (it just looked like a blurry accident).
8. The Heartbleed Scare: Why did the sysadmin change every password in the building to “SafetyFirst2014!”? Because he heard about the Heartbleed bug and decided the internet was officially “bleeding out.”
9. The Guardians of the Galaxy Vibe: Why did the boss start calling the sales team “The Guardians of the Q3 Targets”? Because he watched the movie and now thinks Groot is the perfect model for a low-maintenance employee.
10. The Kim Kardashian Internet Break: Why was the office internet down for an hour? The IT guy blamed it on Kim Kardashian “breaking the internet,” but he was really just trying to fix the router.

The Full 2013 Archive (Extended List)

11. The GoPro Hero 4: Why did the boss wear a camera on his chest? He wanted to record the “extreme POV” of filling out a spreadsheet.
12. The Uber Everything: Why did the manager try to “Uber” a stapler? Because in 2014, we thought every service should be available via an app and a stranger’s car.
13. The Fitbit Step War: Why was the secretary shaking her leg under the desk? She was trying to beat the manager’s step count without actually walking to the printer.
14. The Windows 10 Preview: Why were people cheering? Because Microsoft skipped “9” and promised that the “Start Menu” was finally coming back for real this time.
15. The Tinder in the Office: Why was the intern swiping left on the quarterly report? He got so used to the app that he started “dating” his tasks based on their cover pages.
16. The Google Glass “Glasshole”: Why did the manager stop wearing the smart glasses? Because he realized that having a tiny screen over his eye didn’t make him a genius; it just made him walk into the water cooler.
17. The Frozen “Let It Go” (Year 2): Why did the HR manager snap? Because she heard a “Let It Go” parody about “Let the Budget Go” for the 1,000th time.
18. The WhatsApp Acquisition: Why was the accountant confused? He couldn’t figure out why Facebook paid $19 billion for an app that just sends green bubbles.
19. The Apple Watch Hype: Why was the boss staring at his bare wrist? He was “visualizing” the Apple Watch and pretending he could already see his heart rate during a stressful audit.
20. The Minecraft Microsoft Deal: Why was the IT nerd acting like he won the lottery? Because Microsoft bought his favorite “block game” and he felt like he was finally part of the corporate world.
21. The “Everything is Awesome” Song: Why was the office radio stuck on the Lego Movie soundtrack? Because the marketing team decided it was our new “Positive Reinforcement” policy.
22. The Pharrell’s Hat: Why did the director show up in a giant brown hat? He watched the Grammys and thought “The Arby’s Hat” was the new standard for executive fashion.
23. The Office 365 “Cloud” Life: Why was the clerk happy? Because his files were “in the sky,” which gave him a great excuse for why he couldn’t find them when the Wi-Fi went down.
24. The Taylor Swift “Shake It Off”: Why was the accountant dancing? Because he was “shaking off” the fact that the audit found a $200 discrepancy.
25. The iPhone 6 “Health” App: Why was the boss obsessed with his “Vitals”? Because his phone started counting his steps, and he realized he only walked 400 feet a day—from the car to his desk.
26. The Surface Pro 3: Why did the manager call it “The Tablet that can replace your Laptop”? Because it had a kickstand and he loved the sound of it clicking during quiet meetings.
27. The Ebola Panic: Why did the receptionist start wearing surgical gloves to handle the mail? Because the news told her that 2014 was the year of “extreme caution.”
28. The Rosetta Comet Landing: Why was the tech guy so proud? Because humanity landed a probe on a comet, and he finally managed to “land” a signal on the office Wi-Fi in the breakroom.
29. The “Yik Yak” App: Why was there drama in the cubicles? Because everyone was posting “anonymous” complaints about the boss on a map-based app.
30. The Kindle Voyage: Why was the manager smug? Because his e-reader had “page-press” sensors and he felt like he was reading a digital scroll from the future.
31. The 4K Video Boom: Why did the designer cry? Because his computer exploded trying to render a 10-second video of the office cat in “Ultra HD.”
32. The “Turn Down for What” Memo: Why was the volume so high? Because the sales team used the song as their “closing music” and the neighbors called the police.
33. The Selfie Stick: Why was the manager holding a long pole? He wanted a group photo of the department, but he just ended up poking the HR manager in the eye.
34. The Sony Hack: Why was the executive nervous? Because he realized that his “confidential” emails about wanting a better coffee machine might be leaked to the world.
35. The Dropbox “Carousel”: Why was the clerk confused? He just wanted to see his documents, but Dropbox kept showing him “magical memories” of his 2012 vacation.
36. The “Hotline Bling” Pre-dance: Why was the boss moving his arms like that? He was practicing his “Corporate Groove” for the holiday party.
37. The USB-C Rumors: Why was the tech guy waiting? He heard a “one-cable-to-rule-them-all” was coming and he refused to buy any more chargers.
38. The Bitcoin “Doom”: Why was the accountant laughing? Because Bitcoin dropped to $300 and he told the IT guy, “I told you it was a fad!”
39. The “Alex from Target” Fame: Why was the intern trying to look “iconic” while filing? Because he thought a viral photo was a shortcut to a promotion.
40. The Laptop “Yoga” Pro: Why was the screen flipped backwards? Because the manager wanted to show a presentation and “The Tent Mode” was his only personality trait.
41. The “Maleficent” Boss: Why did the team start calling the manager “Angelina”? Because she wore black and her “management style” involved a lot of sleeping and curses.
42. The “Grumpy Cat” Christmas: Why was the breakroom so cynical? Because the “Worst Christmas Ever” movie came out and we all related to the cat.
43. The iPhone “U2” Album: Why was the boss screaming at his phone? Because an Irish rock band “stole” his storage space and he couldn’t figure out how to delete Bono.
44. The Google “Inbox” Beta: Why was the nerd so exclusive? He had an invite to a “new way to email” and he spent the day “bundling” his spam.
45. The “Left Shark” Anticipation: Why was the marketing team obsessed with sea life? (Wait, that’s early 2015—let’s stick to the Ice Buckets).
46. The “But That’s None of My Business” Meme: Why was the tea-sipping frog on every desk? Because 2014 was the year of “passive-aggressive” Kermit.
47. The Chromecast “Guest Mode”: Why was the TV showing a stranger’s vacation photos? Because the guest Wi-Fi was “too friendly.”
48. The LinkedIn “Influencer” Posts: Why did the salesman write 500 words about “grit”? Because he wanted to be the “Thought Leader” of the industrial park.
49. The “I Can’t Even” Phrase: Why was the secretary standing still? Because the copier jammed and she literally “couldn’t even” anymore.
50. The Smartwatch “Battery Life”: Why was the boss’s watch black? Because it was 4 PM and his “Future of Time” had already run out of juice.
51. The “Big Data” Buzzword: Why did we have a meeting about a spreadsheet? Because the manager called it “Leveraging Big Data Metrics” instead of “Looking at Numbers.”
52. The 144Hz Monitor: Why was the gamer/tech guy so smooth? Because his mouse moved like liquid and he claimed it helped him “click ‘Reply’ faster.”
53. The Office Password: Why was it “BentPhone2014!”? Because the IT guy wanted to remind us of the fragility of our mobile lives.
54. The Laptop “Haswell Refresh”: Why was it the same as last year? Because “Innovation” in 2014 was just adding 0.1 GHz to the processor.
55. The New Year Toast: Why did we drink “Cold Brew”? Because 2014 was the year we realized regular iced coffee wasn’t “hip” enough for the office.
56. The “SimCity” Disaster: Why was the IT guy still mad? Because he tried to build a city and the servers told him he wasn’t allowed to play his own game.
57. The Mouse “G502”: Why did the accountant have a mouse with “weights”? Because he wanted his “Save” button to feel “substantial.”
58. The Laptop Wi-Fi “AC”: Why was the salesman bragging? “I have Gig-speed air! I can download your respect in milliseconds!”
59. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “Material Design”? Because Google told us everything should be flat, colorful, and layered.
60. The Folder Navigation: Why was the manager lost? He clicked “SharePoint” and realized he entered a digital dimension where files go to die.
61. The Google “Doodle” Halloween: Why was productivity down? Everyone was busy playing a “Global Candy Cup” game instead of doing the payroll.
62. The “Gamergate” Drama: Why was the IT room locked? Because the internet became a very angry place and they wanted to hide in their server racks.
63. The Laptop Resolution: Why was “Quad HD” the new goal? Because we wanted to see our tax forms in the highest resolution possible.
64. The “Dogecoin” Dog: Why was the intern talking about a “Meme Currency”? He told the boss he wanted his bonus in “Doge” and got a literal dog bowl.
65. The Office Chair “Ball”: Why did the accountant fall? He tried to “balance his core” while balancing the books and the gravity won.
66. The Digital Voice Recorder: Why was the boss whispering? He was “capturing his 2015 manifest” into a 8GB stick.
67. The Gmail “Primary” Tab: Why did the clerk miss the memo? Because Google decided the “Company Picnic” was a “Social” event and hid it from him.
68. The Laptop Heat: Why was the desk smoking? Because the “Broadwell” chip was trying to render a 15-second Slack GIF.
69. The Firefox “Hello”: Why was the nerd happy? He could “video call” from his browser, but he had no one to call because everyone was on Skype.
70. The Facebook “A Look Back” Video: Why was the intern crying? He watched a montage of his own lunch photos from 2011 and realized he’s a different person now.
71. The “Interstellar” Bookshelf: Why was the boss pushing books? He was trying to send a message to his past self to “Not hire the guy who brought the Ice Bucket.”
72. The USB “Fingerprint” Drive: Why was the tech guy licking the stick? He heard it was “Biometric” and he was trying to be “High-Tech.”
73. The “Take a Selfie” Song: Why was the office radio destroyed? Because if we heard “But first, let me take a selfie” one more time, the building would implode.
74. The Final 2014 Task: Why did the manager bring a “Bucket of Ice” to the 2015 planning meeting? To show that he’s “Cool under pressure” and “Ready to make a splash.”