67 Office Groaners: The 2008 “Great Recession & App Store” Edition

The 2008 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The App Store Fever: Why did the manager spend $999 on a phone app? Because it was called “I Am Rich” and it did absolutely nothing—which accurately described his management style.
2. The Great Recession Humor: What is the 2008 definition of “Optimism”? An investment banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday night.
3. The Chrome Launch: Why did the IT guy throw away his other browsers? Because Google Chrome arrived, and he realized he could finally have more than three tabs open without the computer sounding like a jet engine.
4. The “There’s an App for That”: Why did the boss ask for an app to make coffee? Because he believed the iPhone commercials and thought Steve Jobs personally lived inside the screen.
5. The Spotify Debut: Why was the intern so happy? He found a way to listen to every song in the world for free, as long as he didn’t mind a loud ad for car insurance every ten minutes.
6. The Iron Man CEO: Why did the boss start wearing a black turtleneck and talking to a virtual assistant? He watched Iron Man and now thinks his assistant, Brenda, is “J.A.R.V.I.S.”
7. The Foursquare Mayor: Why was the salesman standing in the lobby for twenty minutes? He was trying to “check in” so he could become the “Mayor” of the office water cooler.
8. The Wall Street Meltdown: Why did the accountant switch to a 1920s-style ledger? He heard the “Digital Economy” was broken and he didn’t want his spreadsheets to disappear into the “Void.”
9. The MacBook Air Reveal: Why did the boss pull his laptop out of a manila envelope? To show everyone that “Thin is In,” even though it only had one port and no CD drive.
10. The Olympic Distraction: Why was productivity at zero in August? Because everyone was busy watching Michael Phelps win 8 gold medals in a tiny browser window.

The Full 2008 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Android Debut: Why was the nerd holding a “T-Mobile G1”? He wanted to show he was “Anti-Apple,” even if it meant having a phone with a physical keyboard that slid out like a secret drawer.
12. The Dark Knight Quote: Why did the manager start the meeting by saying “Why so serious?” Because he watched the Joker and forgot that he was actually just presenting the Q3 sales targets.
13. The Dropbox Hype: Why did the clerk stop using CDs? Because he put his files “In the Cloud” and spent the rest of the day worrying about a digital thunderstorm.
14. The Netbook Peak: Why was the salesman squinting at a 9-inch screen? Because “Netbooks” were the 2008 trend, proving that humans would suffer anything for a $200 laptop.
15. The Twitter “Fail Whale”: Why did the manager stop tweeting? Because every time he tried to say something “important,” a giant cartoon whale told him to go away.
16. The Facebook Chat: Why was the office so quiet? Everyone was busy “DM-ing” each other on the new Facebook sidebar instead of sending professional emails.
17. The Wii Fit Phase: Why was the boss standing on a white board in his office? He was “working on his balance” during a conference call.
18. The 3G Speed: Why was the iPhone 3G a big deal? Because we could finally load a website at “the speed of light” (which meant 20 seconds instead of a minute).
19. The Kindle 1st Gen: Why did the boss have a device that looked like a 1970s calculator? He was “reading the future” on his E-Ink screen.
20. The Windows 7 Beta: Why was the IT guy smiling? He heard a rumor that Microsoft was finally making a version of Windows that didn’t hate its users.
21. The Hulu Buzz: Why was the intern so tired? He spent all night “Hulu-ing” old TV shows because he couldn’t afford a real TV anymore.
22. The USB 3.0 Reveal: Why was the tech guy excited? He heard he could transfer a movie in seconds, even though no one actually had a blue USB port yet.
23. The “Hope” Poster: Why did the HR manager put a blue and red poster of herself in the breakroom? She wanted to inspire “Change” in our filing habits.
24. The Bluetooth Headset “Borg”: Why was the manager flashing? Because 2008 headsets were getting smaller, but the blue LED was getting brighter.
25. The Laptop “SSD”: Why was the computer so expensive? Because it had a “Solid State Drive,” which meant it had zero moving parts and zero dollars left in the budget.
26. The Google Latitude: Why was the boss following us? He turned on “Latitude” and realized he could track the sales team to the nearest donut shop.
27. The MySpace “End”: Why was the screen so quiet? Because the last person in the office finally moved their “Top 8” to Facebook.
28. The 1080p Reality: Why was the video editor so smug? Because he was working in “Full HD,” and could see the individual crumbs on the CEO’s tie.
29. The “Rickroll” Incident: Why did the whole office start listening to Rick Astley? Because the intern sent a link to the “Confidential Bonus Plan” and it was a trap.
30. The Blackberry Bold: Why was the boss still loyal? He loved the “leather-like” back and the fact that he could type faster than the speed of sound.
31. The Office 2007 “Ribbon” Acceptance: Why did the secretary finally smile? She found the “Print” button after 12 months of searching.
32. The App “Pocket God”: Why was the manager laughing? He was busy “sacrificing” tiny digital islanders to feel powerful during the layoffs.
33. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “Sinking”? Because it was 2008, and “Downward Trends” were the only thing we were consistent at.
34. The Optical Mouse Pad: Why did the dad throw away his mouse? He got a “laser mouse” and thought he could navigate on the CEO’s mahogany desk.
35. The Corporate “Team Building” Wii: Why was the HR manager in a neck brace? Too much “Wii Boxing” during the holiday party.
36. The 16GB USB Drive: Why was it a miracle? Because 16,000 megabytes meant you could store every file the company ever created (including the deleted ones).
37. The Motorola RAZR “Death”: Why did the salesman cry? He finally traded his flip phone for a touchscreen and missed the “satisfying snap.”
38. The Slumdog Millionaire Quote: Why did the manager say “It is written”? Because he finally finished the 2009 budget proposal.
39. The Gmail “Labs”: Why was the inbox so weird? The IT guy turned on “Undo Send” and felt like he had discovered time travel.
40. The Laptop Trackpad: Why was the worker frustrated? He discovered “Multi-touch gestures” and accidentally deleted his report while trying to zoom in.
41. The iPod Touch: Why did the boss call it an “iPhone without the bills”? Because he wanted to play Angry Birds without talking to anyone.
42. The Winamp 5.54: Why was it “The Best”? Because it was the last time the IT guy felt in control of his music library.
43. The Search for “Malware”: Why was the receptionist scanning her PC? She heard “Conficker” was coming and she thought it sounded like a bad word.
44. The Laptop Weight: Why was it “Ultra-Thin”? Because they removed the Ethernet port and told us to “believe in the Wi-Fi.”
45. The Wikipedia Edit War: Why was the intern busy? He was trying to change the entry for “Lehman Brothers” to “Ouch.”
46. The VoIP “Skype Video”: Why was the boss waving at a grainy ghost? Because 2008 video calls looked like they were filmed in a haunted basement.
47. The USB Pet Rock: Why was the desk so still? Because 2008-era USB gadgets had officially reached their “Zen” phase.
48. The BlackBerry “Storm”: Why was the manager swearing? He got the “Touchscreen BlackBerry” and it required a hammer to click a link.
49. The Digital Camera “Smile Shutter”: Why did the dad look so angry? He was trying to force a smile so the camera would finally take the photo.
50. The Office Password: Why was it “Recession2008!”? Because the IT guy wanted us to remember why we didn’t get a raise.
51. The Laptop Docking Station: Why was it so heavy? Because “Docking” in 2008 required more copper than a small house.
52. The New Year Toast: Why did we drink “Generic” soda? Because 2008 was the year of “Store Brands” and broken dreams.
53. The Final 2008 Task: Why did the employee bring a “Stimulus Check” to the meeting? He wanted to know if he could use it to buy a faster computer.
54. The MSN Messenger “Nudge”: Why did the screen shake? Because the intern wanted to know if the boss was still “The Mayor” of the lunchroom.
55. The Mouse “Side Scroll”: Why was the accountant so happy? He could move left and right in Excel without using the arrow keys.
56. The Laptop Wi-Fi Switch: Why was the salesman on his knees? He was looking for the “Wireless Switch” on his new laptop and thought it was a secret.
57. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “Transparent”? Because we wanted our data to look like it was already disappearing.
58. The Folder Navigation: Why was the manager lost? He clicked “Libraries” in the Windows 7 preview and realized he didn’t know where his “Life” was.
59. The Google Maps “Street View”: Why were people hiding? They heard the “Camera Car” was documenting their 2-hour lunch break.
60. The World of Warcraft “Wrath of the Lich King”: Why was the IT department empty? Because the boss was busy being a “Death Knight.”
61. The Laptop Resolution: Why was 1366×768 the “New Standard”? Because it was the perfect shape for a movie and a spreadsheet to fail simultaneously.
62. The MySpace “Ghost Town”: Why was the screen empty? Because the glitter GIFs finally stopped blinking.
63. The Office Chair “Mesh”: Why was it so “Aeron”? Because in 2008, we needed chairs that were as stressed as we were.
64. The Digital Voice Recorder: Why was the boss whispering? He was “Recording his survival guide” for the financial apocalypse.
65. The Gmail “Conversation View”: Why was the clerk confused? He didn’t understand why his emails were “grouping” like they were in a cult.
66. The Laptop Heat: Why was the desk smoking? Because the “Core 2 Duo” was trying to play a “High-Definition” YouTube video.
67. The Final 2008 Joke: Why did the manager bring a “Calculator” to the Christmas party? To count how many of us would be there in 2009.