74 Office Groaners: The 2013 “Vine & Let It Go” Edition

Welcome to 2013 – the year Microsoft admitted its mistake and released Windows 8.1, bringing back the “Start” button, and the world went Vine-mad, trying to encapsulate office life in 6-second loops. It’s the year GTA V launched (which destroyed what little focus IT departments had left) and Chromecast debuted. Offices are humming “Let It Go” as they try to manage their growing pile of unread emails, and Slack is slowly knocking on the door, promising the death of internal email.

The 2013 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Start Button Salvation: Why did the secretary throw a party? Because Windows 8.1 brought back the “Start” button, and she finally felt like she wasn’t living in a tablet-themed nightmare.
2. The 6-Second Meeting: Why did the manager start filming the stand-up? He joined Vine and thought every status update should be exactly six seconds long and end with a pratfall.
3. The Frozen Philosophy: Why did the HR manager keep singing “Let it go”? Because that was her official response to every complaint about the broken AC.
4. The GTA V Productivity Loss: Why was the office so quiet in September? Because the entire staff was “on a heist” in Los Santos instead of finishing the Q3 reports.
5. The Chromecast Curiosity: Why was the IT guy staring at a small stick? He heard he could “cast” his screen to the TV, and he spent four hours trying to make a cat video appear in the boardroom.
6. The Doge Memo: Why was the internal email written in Comic Sans? “Much professional. Very budget. Wow.” The marketing intern discovered Doge and lost all sense of reality.
7. The Harlem Shake Flashback: Why did the whole accounting team suddenly start wearing masks and dancing? Because 2013 was the year you couldn’t escape the office “Harlem Shake” video.
8. The Selfie Word of the Year: Why was the boss holding his phone at a high angle? Because “Selfie” became the word of the year, and he wanted to look “innovative” while checking his teeth.
9. The Candy Crush Crisis: Why was the meeting delayed? Because the CEO was “stuck on level 147” and refused to come out until he got more lives from his Facebook friends.
10. The Smartwatch Debut: Why was the boss talking to his wrist? He got the Galaxy Gear and realized he could look like a spy while actually just receiving a notification that he needed more milk.

The Full 2013 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Office 365 Shift: Why was the admin confused? He heard we were moving to “Subscription” and thought he had to pay $10 every time he wanted to use a comma in Word.
12. The Snowden Effect: Why did the IT guy cover his webcam with a Post-it note? Because in 2013, we realized that “The Cloud” was actually watching us back.
13. The What Does the Fox Say? Why was the water cooler conversation so weird? Because everyone was busy debating what sound a fox makes instead of discussing the merger.
14. The Vine “Loop”: Why did the worker keep repeating the same mistake? He told his boss he was just “looping his productivity” like a Vine video.
15. The Netflix Binge-Watching: Why was the intern so tired? Because 2013 was the year “Binge-watching” became a professional sport, and he just finished all of House of Cards.
16. The Google Glass “Explorer”: Why did the manager look like a cyborg? He paid $1,500 to wear a screen over his eye and walk into doors while trying to read his schedule.
17. The iPhone 5S Gold: Why was the boss so smug? He got the “Gold” iPhone and thought he was the King of Mid-Level Management.
18. The Yahoo! Revamp: Why did the boss ask for “more purple”? Because Marissa Mayer was changing the logo, and he thought color was the key to a billion-dollar pivot.
19. The Snapchat “Stories”: Why was the secretary happy? She realized she could post her lunch and it would vanish in 24 hours, leaving no digital evidence of her sandwich.
20. The Uber “Surge Pricing”: Why did the boss walk home? Because it started raining and he refused to pay 4x the price to travel three blocks.
21. The Kindle Paperwhite 2: Why was the manager reading in the elevator? He wanted to show off his “perfect contrast” even in the fluorescent office lighting.
22. The 4G LTE Blanket: Why was the salesman so fast? He finally had a data plan that worked faster than the office Wi-Fi.
23. The “Twerk” Hype: Why did HR call an emergency meeting? To explain that “twerking” at the holiday party is not a recognized form of team building.
24. The Flappy Bird Addiction: Why was there tapping coming from every cubicle? Because a simple bird game was making everyone lose their minds and their focus.
25. The 4K Monitor Debut: Why did the designer cry? Because he could see the individual pixels of his own failure in ultra-high definition.
26. The Bitcoin Peak (First One): Why was the IT guy acting like a millionaire? Because he found a hard drive with 10 Bitcoins he bought in 2010 for $1.
27. The Minions Everywhere: Why was the breakroom covered in yellow? Because 2013 was the year you couldn’t escape those little pill-shaped office mascots.
28. The Grumpy Cat Fame: Why did the receptionist feel understood? Because Tardar Sauce (Grumpy Cat) was the only one who accurately captured the “Monday Morning” vibe.
29. The Samsung Galaxy S4: Why was the boss waving at his phone? He was trying to use “Air Gesture” to scroll through a PDF and just looked like he was swatting flies.
30. The Pebble Smartwatch: Why was the nerd so proud? He had a screen on his wrist that lasted 7 days and only displayed “E-ink” sadness.
31. The “Great Gatsby” Party: Why did the manager wear a bowtie? He watched the movie and thought “Old Sport” was a professional way to address the staff.
32. The Flat Design: Why did all the icons look like stickers? Because Apple killed the “glossy” look and now everything looks like a colorful paper cutout.
33. The PS4 vs. Xbox One: Why was there a war in the lunchroom? Because the “Next Gen” was coming and everyone had to pick a side.
34. The GoPro Hero 3: Why did the boss wear a camera on his head during the meeting? To capture the “extreme action” of a PowerPoint presentation.
35. The Vine “Smack Cam”: Why was the intern nervous? He was afraid someone was going to smack him with a wet paper towel for 6 seconds of fame.
36. The Bitstrips Obsession: Why did the boss send a cartoon of himself? Because 2013 was the year we all made creepy avatars of our professional selves.
37. The Chromecast “Hacking”: Why did the office TV suddenly show a fireplace? Because the IT guy was “testing the cast range” from his desk.
38. The Dropbox for Business: Why was the clerk happy? He could finally sync his “Work” folder and his “Cat Video” folder separately.
39. The “How Animals Eat Their Food”: Why was the breakroom so messy? The interns were recreating the viral video during lunch.
40. The Lean In Book: Why was the manager reading Sheryl Sandberg? To figure out how to “lean in” to a meeting without actually having anything to say.
41. The 64-bit iPhone Chip: Why did the tech guy freak out? “It’s a desktop in your pocket! A desktop!” (He still only used it for Instagram).
42. The Nokia Lumia 1020: Why did the boss have a phone with a giant yellow eye? 41 megapixels just to take a picture of a whiteboard.
43. The Sharknado Memo: Why was the safety drill so weird? Because the boss watched the movie and now “flying sharks” are part of the evacuation plan.
44. The Yahoo! Acquisition of Tumblr: Why did the designer feel betrayed? Because his “aesthetic” was now owned by a search engine from the 90s.
45. The Google Maps “Street View” Trekker: Why was there a guy with a backpack in the office? Because Google was mapping the “inner wilderness” of the cubicles.
46. The Laptop “Yoga” Flip: Why did the manager break his screen? He tried to turn his laptop into a tent and forgot that his model didn’t “bend that way.”
47. The USB 3.1 Reveal: Why was the tech guy pointing at a new port? “It’s reversible! We’ll never plug it in wrong again!” (Wait, that was USB-C, he was just dreaming).
48. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “Flat”? Because in 2013, shadows and gradients were officially fired.
49. The “The Fox” Ringtone: Why did the meeting stop? Because someone’s phone started screaming “Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!”
50. The Office 2013 “Touch Mode”: Why was the secretary poking her screen? She heard Word was “touch-friendly” and now her monitor is just covered in fingerprints.
51. The iPad Air: Why did the boss think he was floating? Because his tablet was “light as air” (and so was his business strategy).
52. The LinkedIn “Influencer”: Why did the salesman start writing long posts about “leadership”? Because he wanted a blue badge and more “claps.”
53. The Vine “Do it for the Vine”: Why did the employee jump over the desk? He was doing it for the Vine, but he ended up in HR.
54. The Google Hangouts: Why was the screen full of green bubbles? Because we were finally “hanging out” instead of just “talking.”
55. The Windows 8.1 Start Tip: Why was the clerk so happy? He finally found out where they hid the “Power Off” button.
56. The Bitly Link: Why was the memo so short? Because the boss discovered “URL shorteners” and now everything looks like a secret code.
57. The Laptop “Haswell” Chip: Why did the battery last all day? Because 2013 was the year we finally stopped looking for an outlet every two hours.
58. The “Royals” Quote: Why was the receptionist singing Lorde? Because she realized “we’ll never be royals” on a $12-an-hour salary.
59. The Smart TV Invasion: Why was the boss talking to the monitor? He was trying to use “Voice Command” to open Excel and the TV just started playing Frozen.
60. The Instagram “Video” Launch: Why was the intern filming his coffee for 15 seconds? Because Vine had 6, so Instagram had to have more.
61. The 3D Printing Hype: Why did the IT guy buy a “MakerBot”? To 3D print a plastic cup to hold the pens he already had.
62. The “I Don’t Care” Meme: Why was the manager’s face on a poster? Because he used the “Icona Pop” song as his new management style.
63. The Laptop Resolution: Why was 1080p finally standard? Because we realized we couldn’t read the small print in the new “Flat Design.”
64. The Folder Navigation: Why was the manager lost? He clicked “SkyDrive” and it was suddenly “OneDrive” due to a lawsuit.
65. The Google “Hummingbird”: Why did the SEO specialist look nervous? Because a bird just changed the way everyone finds the company website.
66. The Twitter “IPO”: Why was the accountant staring at a bird? He bought shares and was waiting for them to “take flight.”
67. The Office Chair “Posture”: Why did we all get “Stability Balls”? Because the 2013 trend was to look like we were exercising while doing data entry.
68. The Digital Voice Recorder: Why was the boss whispering? He was “capturing his 2014 vision” into a 4GB stick.
69. The Gmail “Categories”: Why did the clerk miss the email? Because Google put it in “Promotions” and he thought it was a pizza coupon.
70. The Laptop Heat: Why was the desk smoking? Because the “Haswell” chip was trying to render a 15-second Instagram video.
71. The Firefox “Version 20”: Why was the nerd happy? “I can finally browse ‘Privately’ without closing my tabs!”
72. The Facebook “Home”: Why was the manager’s phone so weird? He installed “Facebook Home” and his entire life became a status update.
73. The Mad Men Era Ending: Why did the manager stop wearing the hat? He realized that being a “Creative Genius” requires actual work.
74. The USB “Warm Coffee” Coaster: Why was the computer beeping? Because the coaster was drawing more power than the motherboard could provide.