69 Office Groaners: The 2016 “Pokémon GO & No Headphone Jack” Edition

The 2016 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Pokémon GO Pivot: Why did the sales team hit their 5-mile goal but miss their sales target? Because they spent the afternoon chasing a Dragonite in the parking lot instead of chasing leads.
2. The Headphone Jack Grief: Why was the manager crying at his desk? He bought the iPhone 7 and realized his $300 professional headphones now required a tiny, easy-to-lose plastic tail to work.
3. The Mannequin Challenge: Why was the entire accounting department standing perfectly still for five minutes? They weren’t working; they were filming a viral video, and for once, they were actually doing their jobs (which is staying out of the way).
4. The Slack Bot Overload: Why did the intern get into an argument with a robot? Because he tried to “command” Slackbot to do his filing, and the robot just sent him a link to a GIF of a shrug.
5. The AirPods Debut: Why did the CEO look like he had two white cigarette butts in his ears? He got the first AirPods and spent the whole day “flexing” while looking like a futuristic Q-tip.
6. The “Hodor” Memo: Why was the IT guy crying while holding the server room door open? Because the Game of Thrones finale happened, and now he takes “Hold the Door” way too seriously.
7. The Bottle Flip Fever: Why was there a loud thud coming from every cubicle? Because 2016 was the year every adult tried to flip a half-full water bottle and land it perfectly on their desk for zero reason.
8. The Damn Daniel Look: Why did the boss say “Damn, Daniel!” to the accountant? Because the accountant wore white sneakers on Casual Friday and the boss is three months late to every meme.
9. The Samsung Galaxy Note 7: Why did the travel agent ban the boss’s phone? Because it was the year of “Spontaneous Combustion,” and his phone was officially a “fire hazard” according to the FAA.
10. The Harambe Tribute: Why did the marketing team put a gorilla in the slide deck? Because in 2016, “Dicks out for Harambe” was somehow considered a valid piece of internet culture.

The Full 2016 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Musical.ly Transition: Why was the intern lip-syncing at his desk? He called it “Personal Branding,” but the boss called it “A reason to fire you.”
12. The Tesla Autopilot: Why did the manager arrive at work in the back seat? He trusted the “Self-Driving” mode and prayed the car knew the way to the office better than he did.
13. The Facebook Live: Why was the CEO broadcasting his lunch? He heard “Live Video” was the future of engagement and 4 people watched him eat a Cobb salad.
14. The Brexit Breakup: Why was the international department so confused? Because one day we were “United” and the next day the UK decided to “Ghost” the entire continent.
15. The Stranger Things Vibe: Why did the IT guy replace the office lights with Christmas bulbs? He’s trying to communicate with the “Upside Down” (also known as the basement server room).
16. The Instagram “Stories” War: Why was the marketing manager happy? Because Instagram stole Snapchat’s best feature and now she doesn’t have to explain “Snaps” to the 50-year-old CEO anymore.
17. The Nintendo NES Classic: Why was the breakroom so nostalgic? Because the boss bought a tiny 8-bit console and now the executive team is fighting over who gets to be Mario.
18. The Dyson Supersonic: Why did the receptionist spend $400 on a hairdryer? Because 2016 was the year even “blowing hot air” became a high-tech luxury.
19. The UberEats Boom: Why did no one go to the cafeteria? Because a stranger in a Prius brought everyone “Artisanal Tacos” directly to their cubicles.
20. The Google Pixel Launch: Why was the nerd so proud? “It’s a Google phone! It has a blue light! And it actually has a headphone jack!” (He’s the last one).
21. The “Close the Rings” Obsession: Why was the manager doing laps around the boardroom? His Apple Watch told him he was 20 calories away from a virtual trophy.
22. The Dark Mode Dream: Why was the designer’s screen all black? He heard “Dark Mode” saves battery and his eyes, but it just made him look like he was hacking the mainframe.
23. The Snapchat Spectacles: Why did the boss look like he was wearing yellow goggles? He stood in line for a vending machine to get glasses that take 10-second circular videos.
24. The Microsoft Teams Launch: Why was the IT guy sighing? “Another chat app? Can we just go back to shouting across the room?”
25. The Vine “RIP”: Why was the intern wearing a black armband? Because Twitter killed Vine, and now he has nowhere to post 6-second masterpieces of people falling over.
26. The “Fake News” Buzzword: Why did the intern blame his mistake on “Fake News”? Because it was the 2016 excuse for absolutely everything.
27. The iPhone “Jet Black”: Why was the boss’s phone covered in fingerprints? Because he bought the shiny version that looked like a piano but scratched if you looked at it funny.
28. The MacBook Pro “Touch Bar”: Why was the designer tapping a tiny screen on his keyboard? He spent $3,000 for a row of emojis where his “Escape” key used to be.
29. The “Salt Bae” Meme: Why was the chef in the cafeteria sprinkling salt from his elbow? Because 2016 was the year of “Extra” seasoning.
30. The Amazon Echo Dot: Why were there tiny hockey pucks everywhere? Because $49 was the price to pay to have a robot listen to your confidential business calls.
31. The “Cash Me Outside” Pre-hype: Why was the receptionist acting so tough? Because she was preparing for the 2017 viral waves.
32. The 360-Degree Video: Why was the manager spinning in his chair? He was watching a “Virtual Office Tour” and forgot where he actually was.
33. The Giphy Integration: Why was the Slack channel a mess? Because the “GIF search” turned a serious talk about layoffs into a series of dancing cats.
34. The USB-C Everything: Why was the tech guy carrying 50 adapters? Because “One cable for all” actually meant “One cable for nothing without a dongle.”
35. The Fitbit Blaze: Why was the watch so square? Because 2016 was the year we tried to make “Fitness Trackers” look like actual watches (and failed).
36. The “Pen Pineapple Apple Pen” (PPAP): Why was the office radio destroyed? Because the intern sang the 45-second Japanese song for 8 hours straight.
37. The LinkedIn “Microsoft” Deal: Why was the salesman worried? He heard Microsoft bought LinkedIn and he was afraid his “Connections” would turn into “Clippy” suggestions.
38. The “This is Fine” Dog: Why was the meme on every cubicle wall? Because 2016 was the year the world felt like it was on fire, but we still had to finish the Q4 report.
39. The Nintendo Switch Rumors: Why was the gamer/clerk saving his lunch money? He heard about a console that was both a tablet and a TV, and his mind was blown.
40. The “Dab” Dance: Why did the boss look like he was sneezing into his elbow? He was trying to “Dab” to show the “Youths” he was still relevant.
41. The Google Allo/Duo: Why did the IT guy have two new apps? Because Google decided we didn’t have enough ways to talk to each other.
42. The Laptop “Bezel-less” Hype: Why was the screen so big? Because the “Edge-to-Edge” display meant there was more room for the manager to see his own confusion.
43. The Pokémon GO “Lure”: Why was there a crowd at the front door? Because the receptionist put a “Lure” on the office PokéStop to get people to actually show up for work.
44. The Windows 10 “Anniversary Update”: Why did the computer restart during the CEO’s speech? Because Microsoft’s anniversary is more important than your career.
45. The “Ken Bone” Sweater: Why was everyone wearing red quarter-zips? Because a guy in a debate became a 24-hour legend of “Dad Style.”
46. The Laptop “Rose Gold”: Why was the salesman’s computer pink? “It’s not pink, it’s Rose Gold! It’s a sophisticated metallic hue!”
47. The Bluetooth “Pairing” Struggle: Why was the manager swearing at his speaker? Because 2016 Bluetooth still took 15 tries to recognize a phone.
48. The Dropbox “Project Infinite”: Why was the clerk happy? He could see all his files without downloading them, which is perfect for a guy who never actually does any work.
49. The “Chewbacca Mom” Laugh: Why was the breakroom so loud? Because everyone was watching a woman in a mask laugh at herself in a parking lot.
50. The iPhone “Portrait Mode”: Why did the boss’s photo have a blurry background? Because the iPhone 7 Plus decided that his ears weren’t important enough to be in focus.
51. The Office Password: Why was it “PokeBall2016!”? Because the IT guy was a Level 30 Trainer and he wanted us to know.
52. The Laptop “Fan Noise”: Why did it sound like a jet engine? Because the “Skylake” processor was trying to render a 140-character “Live Tweet.”
53. The New Year Toast: Why did we drink “Sparkling Water”? Because 2016 was the year LaCroix became the official beverage of the corporate world.
54. The MSN Messenger “Final, Final Goodbye”: Why was it still in the jokes? Because the nostalgia for the “Buzz” sound never truly dies.
55. The Mouse “Logitech G Pro”: Why was it so light? Because the accountant wanted a mouse that moved as fast as his desire to leave the office.
56. The Laptop Wi-Fi “Hotspot” (Year 5): Why was the salesman still a hero? Because airport Wi-Fi still cost $15 and he was the “Unlimited Data” king.
57. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “Neon”? Because 2016 was the year we realized that if the data is bad, at least it can be bright.
58. The Folder Navigation: Why was the manager lost? He clicked “OneDrive” and realized it was syncing his “Personal” photos of his cat to the “Work” folder.
59. The Google Maps “Local Guides”: Why was the intern taking photos of the office toilet? He wanted “Points” from Google for being an active contributor.
60. The World of Warcraft “Legion”: Why was the IT department dark? Because the “Burning Legion” invaded and the boss was too busy saving Azeroth to save the server.
61. The Laptop Resolution: Why was “4K” still a myth? Because our eyes were ready, but our corporate budget was still stuck in 1080p.
62. The MySpace “Data Breach”: Why was the accountant laughing? “They stole 360 million passwords? Who is still using ‘Password123’ on MySpace?!”
63. The Office Chair “Stability”: Why was the manager sitting on a literal “Saddle”? Because he heard it was good for his “Posture” and his “Leadership.”
64. The Digital Voice Recorder: Why was the boss whispering? He was “Dictating his 2017 Survival Guide” into a 16GB stick.
65. The Gmail “Smart Reply” (Year 2): Why did the clerk love it? “I haven’t written an original thought in 12 months. Thanks, Google!”
66. The Laptop Heat: Why was the desk smoking? Because the “Kaby Lake” processor was trying to render a 360-degree Facebook video.
67. The Firefox “Multi-process”: Why was the nerd happy? “It’s finally fast! It only uses 95% of my RAM instead of 99%!”
68. The Facebook “Live” Reactions: Why was the screen full of floating hearts? Because the CEO was talking and the interns were “Spamming the love” to get a raise.
69. The “Water Bottle Flip” Challenge: Why did the CEO fail? Because he tried to flip a glass of expensive scotch and the “Landing” was a disaster.
70. The Final 2016 Task: Why did the manager bring a “PokeBall” to the 2017 planning meeting? To show that he was ready to “Catch all the opportunities!”