72 Office Groaners: The 2009 “Windows 7 & Avatar” Edition

The 2009 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Windows 7 Relief: Why did the IT guy throw a party? Because Windows 7 launched, and he could finally stop apologizing for Vista’s existence.
2. The Avatar Ambition: Why did the boss wear blue face paint to the meeting? He watched Avatar and wanted to “connect his queue” to the company’s fiber-optic network.
3. The Minecraft Break: Why was there a wall of dirt in the middle of the office? The intern started playing Minecraft and forgot that “building blocks” isn’t a corporate strategy.
4. The FarmVille Addiction: Why did the HR manager get a warning? She was caught “harvesting strawberries” on Facebook during a performance review.
5. The Unfriend Era: Why was the office atmosphere so tense? Because the manager “unfriended” the sales team, and now nobody knows if they’re still “connected” to their jobs.
6. The Kanye Interruption: Why did the intern grab the microphone during the CEO’s speech? “Imma let you finish, but our 2008 Q4 was one of the best quarters of all time!”
7. The Bitcoin Genesis: Why did the tech nerd try to pay for coffee with a “digital coin”? He told the barista it would be worth millions in 10 years, and she told him she only accepts “actual money.”
8. The iPhone 3GS Speed: Why was the salesman so fast? He got the “S” version of the iPhone and claimed the “S” stood for “Scrolling past my boss’s emails.”
9. The Hangover Quote: Why did the accountant wake up in the supply closet? He had one too many drinks at the 2009 gala and kept asking “Is this the real Caesar’s Palace?”
10. The Angry Birds Start: Why was the boardroom so quiet? Everyone was busy launching birds at pigs to “study ballistics” (and avoid the budget talk).

The Full 2009 Archive (Extended List)

11. The UberCab Launch: Why did the boss try to “hail a car” with his phone? He heard about UberCab and thought he was too important for a regular taxi.
12. The Windows 7 “Snap”: Why was the clerk so organized? He discovered he could “snap” two windows side-by-side and felt like he had a second brain.
13. The WhatsApp Message: Why did the intern stop texting? He found an app that lets him send messages for “free” over Wi-Fi, but he has no one to talk to yet.
14. The “It’s Complicated” Status: Why was the manager’s relationship with the printer “Complicated”? Because it only worked when he promised to buy it expensive toner.
15. The Ghostbusters Video Game: Why was the IT room full of “Proton Packs”? They were “clearing the servers of legacy ghosts.”
16. The Bing Search: Why did the boss say “Just Bing it”? Because he wanted to be different, but he still ended up using Google five minutes later.
17. The Fitbit Debut: Why was the secretary shaking her wrist? She got the first Fitbit and was “cheating” her way to 10,000 steps while sitting down.
18. The Parks & Rec Quote: Why did the admin say “Treat Yo Self”? Because she bought the expensive ink cartridges instead of the generic ones.
19. The Twitter Growth: Why did the CEO hire a “Social Media Manager”? To translate his 140-character rants into something that wouldn’t get the company sued.
20. The Windows 7 Taskbar: Why was the employee so happy? He could “pin” his favorite games… I mean, “work tools” to the bottom of the screen.
21. The Kindle 2: Why did the boss have a device that talked? He turned on the “Text-to-Speech” feature and let the Kindle read the boring legal contracts to him.
22. The Michael Jackson Tribute: Why was the office radio only playing “Thriller”? Because 2009 was the year we all remembered the King of Pop during our lunch breaks.
23. The 3D Movie Hype: Why did the manager hand out plastic glasses before the presentation? He thought it would make the 2% growth “pop” off the screen.
24. The Windows 7 “Shake”: Why was the worker shaking his mouse? He wanted to “clear his desktop” but he just looked like he was having a very small panic attack.
25. The Google Wave Invite: Why was the nerd so exclusive? He had a “Wave” invite and spent the day “collaborating” with the only three other people who had it.
26. The Nook Launch: Why was the Barnes & Noble fan so proud? He had a “dual-screen” e-reader and felt like he was reading in the year 3000.
27. The USB 3.0 “Blue” Port: Why was the tech guy pointing at the back of the PC? “Look! It’s BLUE! That means it’s TEN TIMES FASTER!” (He had nothing to plug into it).
28. The Modern Warfare 2 Sick Day: Why was the office empty in November? Because the entire team was “on a mission” in Rio de Janeiro (virtually).
29. The Spreadsheet Glow: Why did the chart look like a glass sculpture? Because Windows 7 “Aero” made everything look like it was made of expensive bubbles.
30. The Optical Mouse Precision: Why did the dad brag? “5000 DPI! I can highlight a typo before the computer even knows I made one.”
31. The Corporate “Team Building” Escape: Why were we in an “Escape Room”? To see if we could find the exit without using a GPS or a consultant.
32. The 32GB USB Drive: Why was it a legend? Because you could fit the entire company’s 20th-century history on a stick the size of a thumb.
33. The Motorola Droid: Why did the phone say “DROID” in a scary voice? To remind the boss that his BlackBerry was officially an antique.
34. The Up Movie Quote: Why did the manager call us “Squirrel!”? Because he has the attention span of a Pixar dog during the weekly status update.
35. The Gmail “Undo Send” Lab: Why was the accountant so relieved? He “recalled” an email three seconds after realizing he CC’d the wrong “Bob.”
36. The Laptop “Island” Keyboard: Why was the designer so happy? His keys were now “isolated,” which meant fewer crumbs from his “creative” snacks.
37. The Winamp 5.55: Why was it “The End of an Era”? Because the IT guy realized that “Streaming” was about to whip the llama’s back.
38. The Search for “Malware”: Why was the receptionist scanning her PC? She heard about a “Conficker” worm and thought her computer had a virus from 1999.
39. The Laptop Weight: Why was it “Thin and Light”? Because it was under 4 pounds, but the battery still died if you looked at it funny.
40. The Wikipedia “Donation” Banner: Why did the intern feel guilty? Because Jimmy Wales was staring at him, asking for $3 for the knowledge he just stole for his report.
41. The VoIP “Skype 4.0”: Why was the video so big? Because 2009 was the year we realized our coworkers’ faces were actually “High Definition” (unfortunately).
42. The USB “Humping Dog”: Why did HR ban the gadget? Because 2009-era USB toys had officially reached the peak of “unprofessional.”
43. The BlackBerry Curve 8520: Why was the manager happy? It had “dedicated media keys” so he could skip to the next song while pretending to work.
44. The Digital Camera “Smile Shutter”: Why did the dad look so confused? He was trying to take a picture of a cat, but the camera was waiting for the cat to “grin.”
45. The Office Password: Why was it “Seven2009!”? Because the IT guy wanted us to celebrate the “Year of the Seven.”
46. The Laptop Docking Station: Why was it so “Plug and Play”? Because in 2009, things actually started working the first time you plugged them in.
47. The New Year Toast: Why did we drink “Craft Beer”? Because 2009 was the year “Artisanal” became a corporate requirement.
48. The MSN Messenger “Discovery”: Why was the screen purple? Because the intern found a “Plus!” extension that added 500 unnecessary features.
49. The Mouse “G-Shift”: Why was the accountant so fast? He had a gaming mouse and used a “Macro” to fill out 500 rows of tax data in one click.
50. The Laptop Wi-Fi “n”: Why was the salesman bragging? “I have 802.11n! I can catch the signal from the parking lot!”
51. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “3D Stacked”? Because if it didn’t look like a skyscraper, the data wasn’t “reaching its potential.”
52. The Folder Navigation: Why was the manager lost? He clicked “Recent Places” and realized his most visited place was “Trash.”
53. The Google Maps “Street View” Privacy: Why did the employee wear a mask? He heard the “Google Van” was coming to document his “smoke break.”
54. The World of Warcraft “Cataclysm” Hype: Why was the IT room shaking? Because they heard the “World” was about to be destroyed and rebuilt.
55. The Laptop Resolution: Why was 1600×900 the “Perfect Balance”? Because you could see the spreadsheet and the YouTube sidebar at the same time.
56. The MySpace “End”: Why was the screen so quiet? Because the last “Glitter Background” was finally deleted.
57. The Office Chair “Ergohuman”: Why did the chair have a headrest? So the manager could take a “strategic nap” while looking like a futuristic pilot.
58. The Digital Voice Recorder: Why was the boss whispering? He was “Dictating his memoirs” into a 4GB stick that he would lose in a week.
59. The Gmail “Conversation View”: Why did the clerk give up? He couldn’t find the original email buried under 50 “Thanks!” and “No problem!” replies.
60. The Laptop Heat: Why was the desk smoking? Because the “Core 2 Quad” was trying to play a 1080p movie trailer.
61. The Firefox “Add-ons”: Why was the browser so slow? Because the IT guy had a “Tab Mixer,” “Ad Blocker,” and “Weather Forecaster” all running at once.
62. The Facebook “Like” Button: Why was everyone clicking? Because 2009 was the year we stopped “Commenting” and started “Liking” our way through life.
63. The Mad Men Style: Why did the manager buy a fedora? He thought he was “Old School Professional,” but he just looked like a confused tourist.
64. The USB “Warm Gloves”: Why was the worker wearing mittens? Because 2009 “USB Heating” was the only way to survive the office AC.
65. The iPhone “Compass”: Why was the salesman turning in circles? He got the 3GS and was trying to find “North” in the middle of a cubicle.
66. The Laptop Battery “Eco Mode”: Why was the screen so dim? To save 5 minutes of battery life, the manager decided to work in total darkness.
67. The Vista “Downgrade”: Why was the employee so proud? He “upgraded” to Windows 7 and called it the “Greatest Downgrade of All Time.”
68. The Google Docs “Collaboration”: Why was the intern screaming? Because he saw three other cursors “eating” his report in real-time.
69. The iPhone “Voice Control”: Why was the boss yelling at his pocket? “CALL BRENDA! NO, NOT BRENDA FROM SALES! BRENDA MY WIFE!”
70. The LinkedIn “Skill Endorsements”: Why did the salesman have 50 endorsements for “Eating”? Because his coworkers were “trolling” his professional profile.
71. The 1080p Web Video: Why was it so choppy? Because the office internet wasn’t ready for “True Cinema” during lunch hours.
72. The Final 2009 Task: Why did the manager bring a “Save the Earth” bag to the Christmas party? To carry home all the plastic gifts he received.