82 Office Groaners: The 2007 “iPhone & The Ribbon” Edition

The 2007 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The iPhone Jesus Phone: Why did the boss sell his soul? To get the first iPhone so he could “pinch-to-zoom” into the company’s falling stocks.
2. The Ribbon Crisis: Why did the secretary quit? Because she spent three hours looking for the “Save” button in Word 2007 and realized it was hiding behind a colorful circle.
3. The Windows Vista Alert: Why was the IT guy so tired? Because Vista asked him “Are you sure?” 400 times before he could even open his email.
4. The Mad Men Era: Why did the manager start wearing a suit and drinking scotch at 10 AM? He watched Mad Men over the weekend and now thinks he’s Don Draper of the mid-west.
5. The Kindle Arrival: Why was the bookkeeper so confused? He heard about the “Kindle” and thought the IT department was finally going to start a fire to destroy the old servers.
6. The Dropbox Debut: Why did the employee stop using a USB drive? He put his files in a “Box in the Sky” and prayed that it wouldn’t rain data.
7. The Halo 3 Launch: Why was the office empty on a Tuesday? Because “Master Chief” needed the entire sales team to finish the fight.
8. The Netflix Streaming: Why was the internet so slow? Because someone discovered “Watch Instantly” and was trying to stream a movie in 480p on the office T1 line.
9. The Facebook Wall: Why was HR concerned? Because everyone was “writing on each other’s walls” and she thought the office had been vandalized.
10. The BlackBerry Curve: Why was the boss still clicking? Because even with the iPhone out, he wasn’t ready to give up his physical keyboard and his dignity.

The Full 2007 Archive (Extended List)

11. The 300 Meme: Why did the manager kick the broken printer? Because he wanted to shout “THIS IS Q3!” to his disinterested staff.
12. The Silverlight Hope: Why was the developer crying? He spent all day learning “Microsoft’s Flash Killer” only to realize no one wanted to install the plugin.
13. The iPhone 2G Speed: Why was the salesman standing on the roof? He was trying to get an “EDGE” signal so he could download a 1MB email in under ten minutes.
14. The Netbook Trend: Why did the CEO have a tiny laptop? He got an “ASUS Eee PC” and realized he couldn’t see the spreadsheet without a magnifying glass.
15. The Twitter Growth: Why did the manager tweet “I am at a meeting”? Because he thought 5 followers actually cared about his 140-character suffering.
16. The Google Street View: Why was the receptionist hiding under her desk? She heard the “Google Car” was outside and she didn’t want the whole world to see her eating a bagel.
17. The Bioshock Logic: Why did the IT guy ask “Would you kindly fix the server?” Because he spent his weekend in Rapture and forgot how to use authority.
18. The Intel Core 2 Quad: Why did the admin feel powerful? He had four cores now, which meant he could crash four times as many programs at once.
19. The Facebook Poke: Why was the atmosphere awkward? Because the boss “poked” the intern and no one knew if it was a sexual harassment case or a social media trend.
20. The Office 2007 File Format: Why couldn’t the client open the report? Because “.docx” was a foreign language to anyone still living in 2003.
21. The iPhone Touchscreen: Why was the boss’s screen so greasy? Because he spent all day “swiping” his emails like he was cleaning a window.
22. The “Green” Data Center: Why was the server room so warm? Because the company turned off the AC to “save the planet” and now the hardware is melting.
23. The Transformers Movie: Why was the manager staring at the copier? He was waiting for it to turn into a robot and do his job for him.
24. The iPhone Battery: Why was the CEO sitting near the wall? Because his “Revolutionary Device” died by 2 PM every single day.
25. The Tumblr Launch: Why was the designer so busy? He was “reblogging” pictures of vintage typewriters instead of finishing the logo.
26. The Vista Sidebar: Why was the screen so cluttered? Because the manager needed a giant analog clock and a weather widget for a city he didn’t live in.
27. The Skype 3.0: Why did the call sound like a robot? Because “High Quality Video” in 2007 required more bandwidth than the entire building possessed.
28. The 1 TB Hard Drive: Why was it a legend? Because we finally had a drive that could store “the entire internet” (or just 50 high-def movies).
29. The “Crank That” Dance: Why was the intern hopping in the breakroom? He was “Soulja Boy-ing” his way to a promotion.
30. The PDF Security: Why was the boss angry? He forgot the password to the “Secret_Plan.pdf” and realized 128-bit encryption actually works.
31. The Hulu Beta: Why was productivity down? Everyone was busy watching “Free TV” in a browser window the size of a postage stamp.
32. The iPhone Headset Jack: Why was the boss using a drill? Because his fancy headphones wouldn’t fit into the “recessed” jack of the first iPhone.
33. The Spreadsheet Glow: Why did the chart look like a neon sign? Because “Excel 2007” introduced “Conditional Formatting” and now everything is red.
34. The Optical Mouse Precision: Why did the dad brag? “4000 DPI! I can select a single cell in Excel from across the room.”
35. The Corporate “Team Building” Wii: Why was there a hole in the ceiling? The manager played “Wii Bowling” and forgot the wrist strap again.
36. The 8GB USB Drive: Why was it $50? Because 8,000 megabytes was “NASA-level” storage capacity.
37. The Motorola RAZR 2: Why was it still happening? Because Motorola refused to believe the “Flip Phone” era ended at 9:41 AM on January 9th.
38. The Ratatouille Quote: Why did the chef in the cafeteria look so proud? Because the manager told him “Anyone can cook,” and now the soup tastes like toner.
39. The Gmail “Storage” Race: Why was the counter still moving? Because Google was giving us 5 GB and we felt like digital kings.
40. The Laptop Trackpad: Why was the worker frustrated? He discovered “ChiralScrolling” and kept spinning his finger in circles like a maniac.
41. The iPod Classic 160GB: Why did the boss buy it? So he could carry 40,000 songs he’ll never listen to and feel “prepared.”
42. The Winamp 5.5: Why was it “The 10th Anniversary”? Because the IT guy wanted to show he’s been listening to MP3s since the 20th century.
43. The Search for “Rootkits”: Why was the receptionist scanning her PC? She heard Sony put “Music Spies” on her computer and she was ready for war.
44. The Laptop Weight: Why was it “Slim”? Because it was only 4 pounds, but it required a 3-pound cooling pad to stay alive.
45. The Wikipedia Edit War: Why was the intern busy? He was trying to change the entry for “Efficiency” to a picture of his own face.
46. The VoIP “Desktop Phone”: Why was it so plastic? Because 2007 “Internet Phones” were designed to look like real phones to fool the elderly.
47. The USB Lava Lamp: Why was the desk so groovy? Because “Desktop Accessories” had officially entered their psychedelic phase.
48. The BlackBerry “Clickthrough”: Why was the manager in pain? Too many emails on the “Storm” screen that didn’t actually click.
49. The Digital Camera “Smile Shutter”: Why was the dad standing there for an hour? He was waiting for the camera to realize he was actually happy.
50. The Office Password: Why was it “P@ssword2007!”? Because the IT guy said “Add a year so you know when you last failed at security.”
51. The Laptop Docking Station: Why was it so wide? Because 2007 laptops needed 50 pins of connectivity to recognize a mouse.
52. The New Year Toast: Why did we drink “Zero” energy drinks? Because 2007 was the year we realized our hearts couldn’t take the real sugar.
53. The Final 2007 Task: Why did the employee bring a “BlackBerry” and an “iPhone” to the meeting? He couldn’t decide if he wanted to be “Productive” or “Cool.”
54. The MSN Messenger “Nudge”: Why did the screen shake? Because the intern wanted to know if the boss liked his “Doge” prototype.
55. The Mouse “Hyper-Scrolling”: Why was the accountant so fast? He flicked his mouse wheel once and reached row 65,000 in three seconds.
56. The Laptop Wi-Fi Switch: Why was the salesman on his knees? He was looking for the “Physical Switch” for the radio and thought it was a hidden easter egg.
57. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “Glassy”? Because Windows Vista made us believe that if it wasn’t “Transparent,” it wasn’t 2007.
58. The Folder Navigation: Why was the manager lost? He clicked “Organize” and realized he had no idea where “Save As” went.
59. The Google Maps “Street View” Hype: Why were people looking out the window? They wanted to see if the “Camera Pole” was coming for their privacy.
60. The World of Warcraft “Burning Crusade”: Why was the IT department in “Outland”? Because the server was stable, and the boss was a Level 70 Paladin.
61. The Laptop Resolution: Why was 1680×1050 the “Pro” move? Because you could finally see your calendar and your regret at the same time.
62. The MySpace “Migration”: Why was the screen empty? Because 2007 was the year everyone “moved to Facebook” and left their glitter GIFs behind.
63. The Office Chair “Mesh”: Why was it so “Aeron”? Because in 2007, if your chair didn’t look like a spiderweb, you weren’t an executive.
64. The Digital Voice Recorder: Why was the boss whispering? He was “Recording his legacy” on a 256MB memory stick.
65. The Gmail “Conversation View”: Why was the clerk confused? He didn’t understand why all his emails were “stuck together” like a digital accordion.
66. The Laptop Heat: Why was the desk smoking? Because the “Core 2 Duo” was trying to render a Vista “DreamScene” wallpaper.
67. The Firefox “Personas”: Why did the browser have a “Fire” background? Because the IT guy wanted to show he was “edgy.”
68. The Facebook “Apps”: Why was productivity down? Everyone was busy “throwing sheep” at each other and growing “digital farms.”
69. The Mad Men Suit: Why was the intern wearing a hat? He thought “Vintage Professionalism” would hide the fact that he doesn’t know Excel.
70. The USB “Panic Button”: Why did the worker hit the red button? It was supposed to hide his screen, but it just crashed the computer instead.
71. The iPhone “Web Apps”: Why was the boss frustrated? Because Steve Jobs told him he didn’t need “Real Apps” when he had “The Safari Browser.”
72. The Laptop Battery Recall (Year 3): Why was the salesman sitting on a fire blanket? Just in case his “Power Book” became a “Fire Book.”
73. The Vista “User Account Control”: Why was the employee screaming? “YES, I WANT TO OPEN THE CALCULATOR! STOP ASKING ME!”
74. The Google Docs Launch: Why was the accountant scared? He saw a “Spreadsheet in a Browser” and thought his hard drive was being haunted.
75. The iPhone Accelerometer: Why was the manager turning his phone sideways? He wasn’t working; he was just watching the screen rotate and laughing like a child.
76. The LinkedIn “Professional Network”: Why did the salesman have 500 connections? Because he added everyone he saw in the elevator.
77. The 720p Hype: Why was the video so “Crisp”? Because in 2007, seeing the actual sweat on a politician’s face was “The Future.”
78. The Corporate “Synergy” 2.0: Why did we have a meeting about “Web 2.0”? To figure out how to “Socialize” our “Value Proposition.”
79. The Laptop “Sleep” Mode: Why did it never wake up? Because Windows Vista “Sleep” was actually just “Coma” mode.
80. The Bluetooth Headset “Blink”: Why was the office like a disco? Because every manager had a blue light flashing on their ear in perfect synchronization.
81. The Kindle “E-Ink” Flash: Why did the boss blink? He thought the screen was “broken” every time it turned a page.
82. The Final 2007 Joke: Why did the manager bring a “Vista Install Disc” to the Christmas party? Because he wanted to make sure everyone had a “Questionable New Year.”