80 Office Groaners: The 2012 “Maya Apocalypse & Gangnam Style” Edition

The 2012 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Windows 8 Panic: Why did the secretary start crying at her desk? Because she upgraded to Windows 8 and realized the “Start” button was gone, and she felt like she was trapped in a colorful tile-covered labyrinth.
2. The Gangnam Style Meeting: Why did the manager enter the boardroom sideways? He was “Oppan Corporate Style” and thought a horse-dance would distract the board from the 10% loss.
3. The Maya Apocalypse: Why did the accountant stop doing the 2013 budget? Because the Mayans said the world ends in December, and he didn’t want to waste his “final hours” in a spreadsheet.
4. The Google Drive Debut: Why was the clerk so confused? He heard his files were moving from “The Sky” (iCloud) to “The Road” (Drive) and he was worried about digital traffic jams.
5. The Instagram Billion: Why did the boss start taking filtered photos of his coffee? He heard Facebook bought Instagram for a billion dollars and he wanted to “build some equity” in his espresso.
6. The Tesla Model S Hype: Why was the CEO staring at the parking lot? He was waiting for his “iPad with wheels” to arrive so he could look like the future of transportation.
7. The “Call Me Maybe” Memo: Why was the HR manager so annoyed? Because every internal memo ended with “I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my extension, so call me maybe.”
8. The Facebook IPO: Why was the accountant laughing? Because he saw the Facebook stock price drop after the launch and realized his “FarmVille” sheep were worth more than his shares.
9. The Curiosity Mars Landing: Why was the IT department cheering? Because a robot landed on Mars, and they still couldn’t get the office printer to recognize a piece of paper.
10. The iPad Mini: Why did the boss have a smaller tablet? Because he realized the original iPad was too big for his ego, but the Mini was “just the right size for a manager on the go.”

The Full 2012 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Pinterest Peak: Why was the office covered in yarn? Because the marketing team “pinned” a DIY team-building project and now we’re a knitting circle.
12. The Hunger Games Quote: Why did the intern say “I volunteer as tribute!”? Because the boss asked who wanted to go get lunch for the entire department.
13. The Wii U Launch: Why was the breakroom so confusing? Because everyone was trying to figure out if the controller was a tablet, a console, or a very expensive dinner tray.
14. The “Cloud” Transition: Why did the manager bring a jacket to work? He heard we were moving to “The Cloud” and he thought it would be chilly.
15. The Microsoft Surface Debut: Why was the boss clicking a kickstand? He got the first Surface and spent the day “clicking” the magnetic keyboard on and off like a high-tech fidget toy.
16. The London Olympics: Why was productivity at zero? Because everyone was busy “working” while actually watching 20 tabs of archery and synchronized swimming.
17. The Kindle Paperwhite: Why was the manager staring at the screen in the dark? He wanted to show everyone that his book “glowed” while theirs was just paper.
18. The Avengers Fever: Why did the IT guy call himself “The Hulk”? Because you wouldn’t like him when he’s “smashing” the server after a 24-hour shift.
19. The Dropbox “Space” Hack: Why was the intern inviting his grandmother to Dropbox? He was desperate for another 500MB of storage to save his “important” GIFs.
20. The Uber Expansion: Why did the boss stop calling the town car service? He found an app that let him “summon a stranger” to drive him to the airport for half the price.
21. The Nexus 7: Why was the nerd so happy? He had a $200 tablet that “actually worked” and he wouldn’t stop comparing it to the boss’s iPad.
22. The “Tide Pod” Logic (early): Why was the intern staring at the dishwasher? (Never mind, that joke is 5 years too early—let’s stick to Gangnam Style).
23. The Grumpy Cat Meme: Why did the receptionist put a picture of a cat on the door? To let everyone know that “No” is the official answer to all requests today.
24. The MacBook Pro Retina: Why was the designer so smug? He had “5 million pixels” and told everyone their screens looked like they were made of sand.
25. The Google Glass Rumor: Why was the boss wearing a piece of wire on his head? He heard “Smart Glasses” were coming and he wanted to be an early adopter of looking like a cyborg.
26. The Galaxy S3 Launch: Why was the phone so big? Because Samsung decided that our hands weren’t big enough and we needed a “Phablet” for our emails.
27. The Adobe Creative Cloud: Why was the designer still crying? Year two of the “Subscription Model” and he still hasn’t forgiven the internet.
28. The Skyfall Quote: Why did the boss say “Last rat standing”? Because he watched the new Bond movie and now thinks the office is a survival experiment.
29. The Snapchat “Stories” Idea: Why was the secretary confused? “Why would I want a photo to disappear in 10 seconds? That’s not a message, that’s a ghost.”
30. The USB 3.0 Standard: Why was the tech guy finally at peace? Most new laptops had blue ports, and he finally had a drive that could copy a file before he retired.
31. The “YOLO” Catchphrase: Why did the intern forget to save his work? “YOLO, boss! I live on the edge of the data stream!”
32. The Facebook “Timeline” Mandatory: Why was the accountant angry? Because Facebook forced the “Timeline” on him and now his 2009 breakup is on the front page.
33. The Siri “Maps” Fail: Why was the salesman in the middle of a desert? He asked Siri for the nearest “Office Depot” and she sent him to a literal hole in the ground.
34. The LinkedIn “Skill” Endorsement: Why did the boss have 50 endorsements for “Advanced Breathing”? Because the staff was running out of things to praise.
35. The “Binders Full of Women” Joke: Why did the HR manager buy new office supplies? Because 2012 was the year of “Binder” memes.
36. The Tesla “Touchscreen”: Why was the CEO confused? He tried to “pinch to zoom” on his car’s dashboard and accidentally opened the sunroof.
37. The Office 2013 Preview: Why did everything look so white and flat? Because “Skeuomorphism” was dying and we were entering the “Flat Design” wasteland.
38. The Temple Run 2: Why was the marketing team sliding their fingers? Because the demon monkeys were back and they were faster than the quarterly deadlines.
39. The “Overly Attached Girlfriend” Meme: Why was the manager’s face on the wall? Because the intern was a bit too “dedicated” to the job.
40. The Raspberry Pi: Why was the tech guy playing with a green circuit board? He said it was a “computer for $35,” and the boss told him it looked like a piece of toast.
41. The Spotify “Radio”: Why was the office listening to 80s synth-pop? Because the “Algorithm” decided we all needed more Duran Duran in our lives.
42. The Kindle “X-Ray”: Why was the boss acting smart? His Kindle told him who all the characters in the book were, so he didn’t have to actually read it.
43. The 4G LTE Blanket: Why was the salesman happy? He finally had “True 4G” and could download a 100MB PDF in the time it took to sneeze.
44. The MacBook Air 11-inch: Why was it so small? Because 2012 was the year we decided that “Ultra-Portable” meant “Easy to lose in a stack of paper.”
45. The “What People Think I Do” Meme: Why was the breakroom full of posters? Everyone was busy explaining that they aren’t actually “Professional Procrastinators.”
46. The Windows 8 “Charms Bar”: Why was the employee swiping the air? He was trying to find the “Settings” and looking like he was trying to catch a fly.
47. The Gmail “New Compose”: Why was the clerk screaming? “Where is my full screen?! Why is my email in a tiny box in the corner?!”
48. The Laptop “Hybrid”: Why did the screen pop off? Because 2012 was the year of “Convertibles” that were 50% laptop, 50% tablet, and 100% confusing.
49. The Wikipedia “Blackout” Memory: Why was the intern still scared? He remembers the day he had to use a physical book for research and he never wants to go back.
50. The Siri “What is the meaning of life?”: Why was the boss disappointed? Siri said “42,” and he realized his phone was smarter and funnier than he was.
51. The Google Maps “iOS” Return: Why did everyone cheer in December? Because Google Maps finally came back to the iPhone and we could stop driving into lakes.
    1080p. Why was the boss so sharp? Because 2012 was the year we realized “High Definition” meant we could see the crumbs on the boardroom table during a Skype call.
52. The USB “Thunderbolt” Speed: Why was the tech guy bragging? “10 Gbps! I can copy my soul in 5 seconds!”
53. The Office Password: Why was it “Maya2012!”? Because the IT guy wanted us to remember the end of the world every time we logged in.
54. The Laptop “Instant-On”: Why was the salesman so fast? “My computer wakes up before I do! It’s ready to fail in record time!”
55. The New Year Toast: Why did we drink “Kale Juice”? Because 2012 was the year “Superfoods” invaded the corporate culture.
56. The MSN Messenger “Final Days”: Why was the screen sad? Because we heard the “Blue Man” was being retired and replaced by Skype.
57. The Mouse “Logitech Touch”: Why did it have no buttons? Because 2012 mice wanted to be touchscreens, and the accountant couldn’t find his “Right Click.”
58. The Laptop Wi-Fi “Hotspot”: Why was the salesman a hero? He turned his 4G phone into a router and saved the presentation in the middle of a power outage.
59. The Spreadsheet Goal: Why was the chart “Flat”? Because in 2012, 3D was “so 2010” and everything had to be a solid block of color.
60. The Folder Navigation: Why was the manager lost? He clicked “SkyDrive” and realized his files were in a “Sky” that was different from his “iCloud Sky.”
61. The Google Maps “Street View” Interior: Why was the employee hiding? He heard Google was taking photos “inside” the office and he didn’t want his messy desk on the web.
62. The World of Warcraft “Pandaria”: Why was the IT room full of “Kung Fu Pandas”? Because the boss was busy “Zen-leveling” his monk character.
63. The Laptop Resolution: Why was 2880×1800 the “New King”? Because you could see the atoms in your spreadsheet.
64. The MySpace “New” Launch: Why was Justin Timberlake on the screen? Because he “bought” MySpace and tried to make it cool again (narrator: he didn’t).
65. The Office Chair “Standing Desk”: Why was the manager on a treadmill? He heard “Standing isn’t enough” and decided to walk 5 miles while doing the payroll.
66. The Digital Voice Recorder: Why was the boss whispering? He was “Dictating his apocalypse plan” into a 8GB stick.
67. The Gmail “Tabs”: Why was the clerk confused? “Promotions? Social? Where is the email from my wife telling me to buy milk?!”
68. The Laptop Heat: Why was the desk smoking? Because the “Ivy Bridge” processor was trying to run Gangnam Style in 1080p.
69. The Firefox “Version 15”: Why was the nerd laughing? “I updated my browser twice since we started this meeting!”
70. The Facebook “Sponsored Stories”: Why was productivity down? Everyone was busy seeing what their friends “Liked” and realizing they had terrible taste in music.
71. The Mad Men Style: Why did the manager buy a pocket square? He thought “Vintage Professionalism” was his new brand.
72. The USB “Coffee Warmer”: Why was the computer beeping? Because the heater was drawing more power than the motherboard could handle.
73. The iPhone “Panoramic” Mode: Why was the boss turning in circles? He was trying to take a “wide photo” of the cafeteria and ended up looking like a human lighthouse.
74. The Laptop “Battery Health”: Why was the salesman crying? His “Ultrabook” died in the middle of the “End of the World” party.
75. The Google “Knowledge Graph”: Why did the manager look smart? Because Google started giving him the answers directly on the search page, so he didn’t have to click a link.
76. The Facebook “Gifts”: Why did the intern send the boss a real “Starbucks Card” through Facebook? Because 2012 was the year digital and real life became a blurred mess.
77. The 4G LTE “Battery Drain”: Why was the phone so hot? Because “High Speed Data” in 2012 meant the battery lasted exactly 45 minutes.
78. The Corporate “Synergy” 4.0: Why did we have a meeting about “Big Data”? To figure out if our “Small Data” was just “Big Data” with a low self-esteem.
79. The Final 2012 Joke: Why did the manager bring a “Mayan Calendar” to the Christmas party? To show everyone that “Even the world has a deadline, so why can’t you?”