52 Adult Jokes: The 1995 “Fax-Lore & Smoking Room” Edition

In 1995, adult humor was social currency. If you had access to an office printer and a mailing list, you were the king of the party. It was the year the world was gripped by the O.J. Simpson trial, and (according to the jokes) there was as much drama happening in bedrooms as on television.

The 1995 Top 10: The “Hard-Boiled & Risqué” Jokes

1. The Viagra Rumor: In 1995, rumors about a new “blue pill” started. A guy tells his friend, “I heard they’re making a pill that makes you perform like a 20-year-old.” His friend says, “Great, but does it come with a pill that makes my wife look like she’s 20, too?”
2. The Parrot with an Attitude: A guy buys a parrot at a discount. The vet warns him: “He used to live in a brothel.” The guy takes him home. The parrot looks around and says, “New house, nice!” The guy’s daughters walk in. Parrot: “New girls, nice!” The guy’s wife walks in. Parrot: “New madam, nice!” Finally, the guy walks in. Parrot: “Hi, Steve! Same old customers, I see!”
3. The Anniversary Request: A woman asks her husband for his 50th birthday, “What would you like, dear? A new car? A trip?” He says, “I’d like to feel like a 10-year-old again.” So she takes him to a theme park, buys him cotton candy, and makes him ride the roller coaster ten times. That night, exhausted, he says, “I meant my ‘equipment’, Martha! Not my lifestyle!”
4. The Library Encounter: A guy walks into a library and asks for a book on “Suicide.” The librarian looks at him and says, “Forget it, you won’t bring it back.”
5. The Confession: A man goes to confession and tells the priest, “Father, I’ve had an affair with a beautiful 25-year-old woman.” The priest asks, “How many times?” The man says, “I’m here to brag, Father, not to repent.”
6. The Desert Island: Three guys are stranded on an island. A genie appears and grants each one wish. The first guy says, “I miss my wife,” and vanishes. The second guy says, “I miss my girlfriend,” and vanishes. The third guy says, “I get lonely easily… I wish those two guys were back here.”
7. The Blind Date: A guy goes on a blind date. He’s nervous, so his friend tells him, “Just talk about food, family, and philosophy.” On the date, he looks at her and asks, “Do you like bread?” She says, “No.” He asks, “Do you have a brother?” She says, “No.” He thinks for a second and asks, “If you had a brother, would he like bread?”
8. The Marriage Secret: A couple celebrates 60 years. The press asks the secret. The husband says, “We go to a romantic restaurant twice a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and a walk home.” The reporter says, “That’s lovely! What days?” He says, “She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
9. The Golfing Husband: A wife complains: “You spend all your time golfing! You don’t even remember when we got married!” He says, “Of course I do! It was the day I hit the eagle on the 14th hole!”
10. The Doctor’s News: The doctor tells a guy, “I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is you have 24 hours to live.” The guy screams, “What could be worse than that?!” The doctor says, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

The Full 1995 Adult Archive (Selected List)

11. The Three Stages of Men: In your 20s, it’s “tri-weekly.” In your 40s, it’s “try-weekly.” In your 60s, it’s “try-to-weakly.”
12. The New Secretary: “How’s the new secretary?” “She’s like a 1995 computer—sleek, fast, but she doesn’t respond to any of my commands.”
13. The Genie’s Highway: A guy finds a lamp. The genie says, “I can’t grant world peace, it’s too hard.” The guy says, “Fine, make me understand women.” The genie sighs, “So, you want that highway to Hawaii two lanes or four?”
14. The Late Night Return: A guy comes home drunk. His wife yells, “What time do you call this?!” He looks at his watch: “I call it the start of a very short conversation.”
15. The Lawyer’s Heart: A guy is drowning. A shark swims by and ignores him. Another guy asks, “Why didn’t he eat him?” “Professional courtesy.”
16. The Funeral: A guy is at his wife’s funeral. It starts to rain. He looks up and says, “Typical… she’s finally quiet and now the heavens are complaining.”
17. The Magic Mirror: A woman looks in the mirror and says, “I look old and wrinkled. Say something nice!” Her husband says, “Well, your eyesight is still perfect.”
18. The First Date: “Do you have any kids?” “No.” “Any pets?” “No.” “Any future?” “Probably not after this question.”
19. The Boss: “My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.”
20. The Honeymoon: Why is a honeymoon like a 1995 dial-up connection? Because it takes forever to get connected and someone always hangs up too early.

21. The Refrigerator: Why is a refrigerator better than a wife? It doesn’t groan when you put your meat in it, and it stays cool even when you leave it for a week.
22. The Promotion: A guy tells his wife, “I got a promotion! I’m now the Vice President!” She says, “Big deal, every supermarket has a Vice President of Peas.” He calls the store to prove her wrong: “Is this the VP of Peas?” The clerk asks, “Frozen or canned?”
23. The Goldfish: A woman is lonely, so she buys a goldfish. She asks it, “Do you love me?” The fish says nothing. She asks again. Finally, the fish says, “Lady, I’m a fish. If you want a conversation, buy a drink for the guy at the end of the bar.”
24. The Viagra Trial: In the early 90s trials, a patient says, “Doctor, this pill is amazing! My wife and I are like teenagers again!” The doctor says, “That’s great! What does your wife think?” The guy says, “She doesn’t know yet, I haven’t been home.”
25. The Window Cleaner: A woman is taking a shower when she sees a window cleaner staring at her. She yells, “What are you looking at?!” He says, “I’m just checking if the glass needs a second coat or if you’re just naturally blurry.”
26. The Business Trip: A husband calls home: “Honey, I’m staying another night to finish some ‘hard’ business.” The wife says, “That’s fine, I’m at home doing some ‘soft’ retail therapy with the neighbor.”
27. The In-Law: What is the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? Outlaws are wanted.
28. The First Night: A newlywed guy asks his friend, “How was the first night?” The friend says, “Like a 1995 computer game. I spent three hours reading the manual and five minutes playing, and then it crashed.”
29. The Lie Detector: A guy buys a robot that slaps people when they lie. Son: “I was at the library.” SLAP! “Okay, I was watching a movie.” Dad: “At your age, I didn’t even know what a movie was!” SLAP! Mom: “Well, he is definitely your son!” SLAP!
30. The Tattoo: A guy gets a tattoo of a $100 bill on his… “equipment.” His girlfriend asks why. He says, “Three reasons: I love to watch my money grow, I love playing with my capital, and next time you want $100, you don’t have to leave the bedroom.”
31. The Parrot Part 2: A guy puts a towel over the parrot’s cage. The parrot whispers: “I know you’re still there, Steve. I can hear your heavy breathing.”
32. The Bar Bet: A guy bets the bartender $100 he can pee into a glass from 10 feet away without spilling a drop. He fails miserably and soaks the bar. He’s laughing. Bartender: “Why are you happy? You lost $100!” Guy: “Because I bet those guys $500 that I could pee all over your bar and you’d be happy about it.”
33. The Divorce: A 90-year-old couple goes to court for divorce. The judge asks, “Why now?” They say, “We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.”
34. The Nudist Colony: A guy joins a nudist colony. On the first day, he runs back to his room. A girl asks, “What’s wrong?” He says, “I just realized I have nowhere to put my car keys.”
35. The Three Wishes: A guy finds a genie. “I want to be rich, famous, and irresistible to women.” The genie turns him into a giant pile of chocolate money.
36. The Night Shift: “My wife told me to stop playing doctor.” “Why?” “She caught me during a ‘private consultation’ with the nurse.”
37. The Difference: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds and a remote control.
38. The Golf Ball: A guy hits a ball into the woods. He finds a frog who says, “Kiss me and I’ll turn into a beautiful woman.” He puts the frog in his pocket. The frog yells, “Why didn’t you kiss me?” He says, “At my age, a talking frog is much more interesting than a girlfriend.”
39. The Robbery: A thief yells, “Give me all your money!” The guy says, “You can’t do this, I’m a politician!” The thief says, “Oh, in that case… give me my money!”
40. The Morning After: A guy wakes up and sees a strange woman. He says, “Did we…?” She says, “Yes.” He says, “Was I good?” She says, “Let’s just say you’re the reason I’m a morning person now—I wanted to leave as early as possible.”
41. The Advice: “Always marry an archaeologist. The older you get, the more interested they become in you.”
42. The Fisherman: A guy is fishing and catches a mermaid. He looks at her and throws her back. His friend asks, “Why?!” The guy says, “But… how?”
43. The Wrong Number: A guy dials a wrong number: “Is Mike there?” “No.” “When will he be back?” “He died ten years ago.” “Typical Mike, always making excuses when he owes me money.”
44. The Office Party: What’s the difference between a 1995 office party and a crime scene? At a crime scene, the people on the floor are usually there for a reason.
45. The Insurance: A guy takes out a life insurance policy on his wife. The agent asks, “How do you want her to die?” The guy says, “Ideally, with a smile on her face, but I’m flexible.”
46. The French Maid: A guy hires a French maid. His wife asks, “Is she good?” He says, “I don’t know, she hasn’t cleaned a single thing yet, but the house feels much more ‘vibrant’.”
47. The Cemetery: A guy is walking through a cemetery and sees a headstone: “Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.” He says, “Wow, I didn’t know they started burying two people in one grave!”
48. The Birthday Suit: A woman greets her husband in her birthday suit. He says, “Nice outfit, but it needs ironing.” (That was the last thing he ever said).
49. The Shortcut: Why did the man cross the road? To get away from the woman asking him for directions.
50. The New Car: “My wife says she wants something that goes from 0 to 200 in three seconds for her birthday.” “So you bought her a Porsche?” “No, I bought her a bathroom scale.”
51. The Supermarket: A guy is following a woman in the store. She asks, “Why are you following me?” He says, “I lost my wife, and every time I talk to a beautiful woman, she suddenly appears out of nowhere.”
52. The Final Word: A husband and wife are arguing. The husband says, “Fine, have the last word!” She says, “I will!” He says, “Good, because it’s usually ‘No’ anyway.”