44 Lawyer Jokes: The 2003 “iTunes & Da Vinci Code” Edition

In 2003, the legal world was obsessed with “Digital Rights Management” and secret symbols. While the RIAA was busy suing 12-year-olds for downloading MP3s, corporate lawyers were trying to figure out if they could patent the “shuffling” feature on the new iPods. It was the year of Finding Nemo (a great guide on how to find a witness who went missing) and the year everyone realized that “googling” someone was the new “pre-trial discovery.”

The 2003 Top 10: The “Digital Rights” Classics

1. The iTunes Terms: Why did the lawyer read all 50 pages of the iTunes Terms & Conditions? He was looking for the clause that allowed him to sue Apple for “earbud-related emotional trauma.”
2. The Da Vinci Code: Why did the lawyer love The Da Vinci Code? Because it’s the only book that makes “looking through old, dusty documents” look more exciting than his actual job.
3. The RIAA Strategy: Why did the RIAA lawyer sue a grandmother in 2003? He wanted to prove that “ignorance of the internet is no excuse for having a Metallica song on your hard drive.”
4. The Governator: Why were California lawyers happy Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected? They were looking forward to a governor who could “terminate” a bill without reading it.
5. The Finding Nemo Defense: Why did the lawyer represent the shark in Finding Nemo? He argued that “Fish are friends, not food” was a non-binding verbal agreement made under duress.
6. The 50 Cent Suit: Why did the lawyer sue 50 Cent? He claimed “Get Rich or Die Tryin'” was misleading financial advice that resulted in a loss of billable hours.
7. The Camera Phone: Why did the lawyer buy a phone with a camera in 2003? So he could take photos of car accidents before the paramedics even arrived.
8. The MySpace Era: Why did the lawyer join MySpace? To see if he could sue “Tom” for being everyone’s friend without a formal retainer.
9. The SARS Panic: Why did the lawyer wear a mask to court? Not for germs—he just didn’t want the judge to see him laughing at his own “pro bono” excuse.
10. The Matrix Revolutions: Why did the lawyer hate the final Matrix movie? Because even after three films, he still couldn’t find a way to sue the machines for “unauthorized human energy harvesting.”

The Full 2003 Lawyer Archive (Selected Rows)

11. The Intellectual Property: Why did the lawyer patent the word “Objection”? So he could charge other lawyers a royalty every time they used it in court.
12. The Spam Law: Why did lawyers love the 2003 “CAN-SPAM” Act? Because it meant they could finally sue the people sending them “Cheap Viagra” emails—or at least bill for the time spent deleting them.
13. The Blackberry Addict: Why did they call it a “Crackberry” in 2003? Because lawyers were addicted to checking their emails during their kids’ birthdays (and billing for the “family consultation”).
14. The DVD Piracy: Why did the lawyer sue the “FBI Warning” at the start of DVDs? For “intentional infliction of boredom.”
15. The LinkedIn Launch: Why did the lawyer join LinkedIn? To connect with people he’d already sued, just to see if they had any money left.
16. The Reality TV Boom: Why did the lawyer represent a contestant on The Simple Life? He wanted to prove that “not knowing what Walmart is” constitutes a legal disability.
17. The Lord of the Rings Finale: Why did the lawyer relate to the ending of The Return of the King? He also spent three hours trying to say “goodbye” to a case.
18. The Wi-Fi Hotspot: Why did the lawyer sit in Starbucks for 6 hours? He was waiting for someone to “infringe” on his open Wi-Fi so he could file a privacy suit.
19. The Jury Selection: Why did the lawyer reject the historian? He didn’t want anyone who remembered that “justice” used to be about more than just the settlement amount.
20. The Technicality: Why did the lawyer sue the sun? For “unauthorized thermal exposure” during a summer deposition.
21. The Office Humidifier: Why did the lawyer sue the office humidifier? For “creating a fog of uncertainty” during a contract negotiation.
22. The iPod Mini: Why did the lawyer buy an iPod Mini? He said it was for “storing small-scale litigation.”
23. The Pirates of the Caribbean: Why did the lawyer love Jack Sparrow? He recognized a fellow professional who specializes in “creative interpretations of the law.”
24. The Coffee Price: Why did the lawyer sue the $4 latte? He claimed the price was an “unconscionable contractual burden.”
25. The Retainer Fee: Why did the lawyer call it a “Da Vinci Retainer”? Because the way he spent it was a complete mystery.
26. The Lab Rat (03 Edition): Why did scientists use lawyers for a “Copyright” study? Because the lawyers tried to copyright the maze before they even finished the experiment.
27. The Speeding Ticket: Why did the lawyer tell the officer he was a “sovereign citizen”? He didn’t believe it; he just wanted to see if he could bill for the time spent in the holding cell.
28. The Inheritance: Why did the lawyer bring a magnifying glass to the funeral? He was looking for the “fine print” on the tombstone.
29. The Divorce Settlement: Why did the lawyer get the DVD collection? Because he proved “Fair Use” meant he could watch them whenever he wanted.
30. The Mirror: Why did the lawyer start wearing a tie with a mirror on it? So the witness could see their own reflection while they lied.
31. The Small Print: Why did the lawyer use “Lemon Yellow” font? So the client would have a “sour taste” in their mouth before they even got to the total.
32. The Power Move: Why did the lawyer carry a briefcase and a laptop bag? One for the lies, one for the digital backups of the lies.
33. The Final Summary: Why did the lawyer want to be buried with a lawyer? So he could have “co-counsel” in the afterlife.
34. The Hourly Rate: Why did the lawyer charge for the time he spent yawning? “Involuntary respiratory tactical pauses.”
35. The Internship: Why was the intern depressed? He found out that “Digital Discovery” just meant sorting through 50,000 spam emails about Nigerian Princes.
36. The Evidence: Why did the lawyer bring a “Magic 8-Ball” to the trial? To provide “expert probabilistic testimony.”
37. The Negotiation: Why did the lawyer bring a stopwatch to lunch? To make sure his “personal time” didn’t accidentally become “pro bono.”
38. The Tech Support: What did the lawyer say to the IT guy? “Can you make my billing software work even if the internet is down? My greed isn’t Wi-Fi dependent.”
39. The 2003 Legacy: What’s the most 2003 thing a lawyer did? He billed a client for “Time spent explaining why downloading music is technically a felony.”
40. The Closing Argument: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken for “intellectual property theft of the ‘crossing’ concept.”
41. The Professional Ego: Why does a lawyer never play “SimCity”? Because he can’t find a way to sue the digital citizens for “unauthorized zoning.”
42. The Witness Stand: Why did the lawyer bring a ventriloquist’s dummy to court? He wanted a witness he could finally control.
43. The Library: Why did the lawyer sue the library’s “Late Fee” policy? He argued it was a “predatory lending practice.”
44. The Final Verdict: Why do lawyers love 2003? Because in a world of digital downloads, everyone is a potential defendant.