51 Lawyer Jokes: The 2011 “Siri & The Patent Wars” Edition

In 2011, the legal world realized that everything you say can and will be used against you—especially if you say it to your phone. It was the year of the “Cloud” becoming a mainstream evidence locker, the rise of Snapchat (the nightmare of every “document retention” policy), and the era when “patent trolling” became a more profitable hobby than actually inventing things.

The 2011 Top 10: The “Voice-Assistant” Classics

1. The Siri Subpoena: Why did the lawyer try to subpoena Siri? Because she was the only one who knew where the client was at 2 AM on a Tuesday.
2. The Game of Thrones Logic: Why did the estate lawyer love Game of Thrones? Because it’s the only show that proves a “last will and testament” is just a suggestion if you have enough dragons.
3. The Patent War: Why did the patent lawyer buy a new house? Because Apple and Samsung couldn’t decide who invented the “rectangle with rounded corners.”
4. The Snapchat Launch: Why did the lawyer hate Snapchat? Because “evidence that disappears in 10 seconds” is a direct violation of his “billable discovery” business model.
5. The Charlie Sheen Meltdown: Why did the lawyer represent Charlie Sheen? He argued that “Winning!” is a valid legal defense for almost anything.
6. The iCloud Launch: Why was the lawyer happy about the iCloud? Because now when a client says “I lost the files,” the lawyer can say “No, you just forgot your password to the evidence.”
7. The Royal Wedding: Why did the lawyer study the Royal Wedding? He was looking for loopholes in the “till death do us part” clause for future high-net-worth clients.
8. The Occupy Wall Street: Why did the lawyer join the protest? To hand out business cards to the 1% and the 99% simultaneously.
9. The Kindle Fire: Why did the lawyer buy a Kindle Fire? To see if “burning a digital book” counted as destroying evidence.
10. The Siri Confession: What happened when the lawyer asked Siri, “How do I win this case?” Siri replied, “I found three nearby bars—which one are you going to after you lose?”

The Full 2011 Lawyer Archive (Selected Rows)

11. The Google+ Launch: Why did the lawyer join Google+? To be in a “Circle” where no one could find him and he didn’t have to provide pro bono advice.
12. The Moneyball Defense: Why did the lawyer love Moneyball? He realized he could use “Sabermetrics” to calculate the exact probability of a jury being bored to death by his opening statement.
13. The Siri Disclaimer: Why did the lawyer add a 5-page disclaimer to his phone? So Siri couldn’t “waive his rights” by mistake.
14. The Minecraft Craze: Why did the lawyer sue a 10-year-old in Minecraft? For “unauthorized digital construction without a permit.”
15. The Netflix Qwikster Fail: Why did the lawyer represent Netflix during the Qwikster debacle? To prove that “splitting a company in half” is a great way to double the legal fees.
16. The Final Harry Potter Movie: Why did the lawyer cry at the end? Not because it was over, but because the “Intellectual Property Goldmine” had finally run dry.
17. The Arab Spring: Why were international lawyers busy? They were trying to draft “New Democracy” contracts with “Exit Clauses” for dictators.
18. The iPhone 4S: Why did the lawyer upgrade? Because the “S” stands for “Siri, bill this conversation.”
19. The Jury Selection: Why did the lawyer reject the gamer? He didn’t want anyone on the jury who believed in “Respawning” after a final verdict.
20. The Technicality: Why did the lawyer sue the “End of the World” (May 2011 prophecy)? For “breach of contract regarding his summer vacation plans.”
21. The Office Keurig (Updated): Why did the lawyer sue the coffee pod? For “failing to meet the minimum billable-caffeine threshold.”
22. The Bridesmaids Suit: Why did the lawyer sue the bridal shop? For “intentional infliction of gastrointestinal distress.”
23. The Coffee Price: Why did the lawyer sue the $8 cold brew? He claimed the ice was “filling up billable volume.”
24. The Retainer Fee: Why did the lawyer call it a “Cloud Retainer”? Because once you pay it, the money evaporates into thin air.
25. The Lab Rat (11 Edition): Why did scientists use lawyers for a “Voice Recognition” study? Because the lawyers were the only ones who could talk for 10 hours without saying anything useful.
26. The Speeding Ticket: Why did the lawyer argue with the laser? He claimed the light was “biased” toward red cars.
27. The Inheritance: Why did the lawyer bring a tablet to the graveyard? To see if the “Cloud” backup included the deceased’s soul.
28. The Divorce Settlement: Why did the lawyer get the Netflix account? Because he proved he was the only one who actually “used the profile” for legal research (watching Suits).
29. The Mirror: Why did the lawyer buy a mirror with a “Filter”? To make his “guilty conscience” look like “professional fatigue.”
30. The Small Print: Why did the lawyer use “Siri Gray” font? To make the fees look like a helpful suggestion.
31. The Power Move: Why did the lawyer have three iPads and a Siri-enabled phone? To make sure he could ignore his family in four different ways.
32. The Final Summary: Why did the lawyer want to be buried with a charger? So he could “reboot” in the afterlife if the verdict was unfavorable.
33. The Hourly Rate: Why did the lawyer charge for the time he spent talking to Siri? “Voice-commanded database interrogation.”
34. The Internship: Why was the intern sad? He was told he was a “Digital Strategist,” which meant he had to teach the senior partner how to unlock his iPhone.
35. The Evidence: Why did the lawyer bring a “Zune” to court (11th time)? To prove that “bad luck” is a legitimate corporate defense.
36. The Negotiation: Why did the lawyer bring a “Angry Birds” plushie to the settlement? To show what happens to people who “mess with his nest.”
37. The Tech Support: What did the lawyer say to the IT guy? “Can you make my billing software work in the ‘Upside Down’?”
38. The 2011 Legacy: What’s the most 2011 thing a lawyer did? He billed a client for “Time spent explaining why a Tweet is a legal document.”
39. The Closing Argument: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To serve a subpoena to the chicken’s “Siri.”
40. The Professional Ego: Why does a lawyer never use “Bing”? Because he refuses to be “helpful” for free.
41. The Witness Stand: Why did the lawyer bring a “Fitbit” to court? To show the jury how fast the witness’s heart beat when they started lying.
42. The Library: Why did the lawyer sue the library? For having “Silence” when he wanted to “Scream” at his billing statements.
43. The Graduation: What do you call a lawyer who specialized in “Google+ Defamation” in 2011? “The only person on Google+.”
44. The Final Word: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To bill the chicken for “Crossing-path optimization.”
45. The Dragon Tattoo Suit: Why did the lawyer love the movie? Because he also has a tattoo, but it’s just a “dollar sign” on his heart.
46. The Snapchat Discovery: Why did the lawyer take a screenshot? To prove that “forever” is just a button press away.
47. The 2011 Verdict: Why do lawyers love 2011? Because “The Voice” (Siri) gave them someone new to argue with.
48. The Instagram Filter: Why did the lawyer use “Toaster”? To make his boring trial look “warm and inviting.”
49. The Pinterest Board: Why did the lawyer have a “Suit Inspiration” board? To find new ways to look like he’s worth $500 an hour.
50. The Last Word: Why did the lawyer cross the road? Because the chicken was “too big to fail.”
51. The Siri Goodbye: What did the lawyer say to Siri at the end of the year? “Siri, delete my search history.” Siri replied, “I’ve already billed you for that, Counselor.”