34 Celebrity Jokes: The 1997 “Near, Far, Wherever You Are” Edition

In 1997, the world was sinking—partly because of a giant iceberg in cinemas, and partly because we were all weighed down by our heavy Discman batteries. It was the year we said goodbye to a Princess, hello to a cloned sheep’s fame, and “I’ll be back” to basically every franchise ever.

The 1997 Top 10: The “King of the World & Heartbreaks” Classics

1. Leonardo DiCaprio & Kate Winslet (Titanic): Why did Leo become the “King of the World” in 1997? Because he managed to make every girl on Earth cry over a piece of wood that clearly had enough room for two people.
2. The Spice Girls (Spice World): Why was 1997 the spiciest year? Because the Spice Girls proved that you don’t need a plot for a movie as long as you have a Union Jack bus and enough platforms to see over the critics.
3. Will Smith (Men in Black): Why did Will Smith wear sunglasses all year? Because his career was so bright after MIB that he had to protect his own eyes from the glare of his royalty checks.
4. Princess Diana: Why was the world silent in September? Because we realized that the only thing more tragic than losing a Princess was Elton John having to rewrite “Candle in the Wind” for the second time.
5. Mike Tyson vs. Holyfield: Why did Mike Tyson go for the ear? Because in 1997, he misunderstood the phrase “giving someone an earful” during a heated conversation.
6. Hanson (MMMBop): Why was “MMMBop” the most confusing song of 1997? Because it took three brothers with long hair to prove that you can have a #1 hit without using a single real word.
7. George Clooney (Batman & Robin): Why was George Clooney’s Batman so cold? Because even with those famous suit nipples, he couldn’t survive the freezing reviews of Mr. Freeze’s ice puns.
8. The Notorious B.I.G.: Why was 1997 “Life After Death”? Because Biggie proved that even if you’re gone, you can still dominate the charts and make everyone “Hypnotized” by your flow.
9. Ellen DeGeneres: Why was the “Puppy Episode” so loud? Because Ellen came out to 42 million people, making 1997 the year Hollywood finally realized that “The Closet” was so 1996.
10. James Cameron: Why did he call himself “King of the World”? Because in 1997, he spent $200 million to sink a ship and ended up swimming in a pool of billion-dollar profits.

The Full 1997 Celebrity Jokes Archive

11. Ben Affleck & Matt Damon: Why did these two kids from Boston win an Oscar? Because Good Will Hunting proved that if you’re smart enough to solve a chalkboard equation, you’re smart enough to leave New England.
12. The Teletubbies: Why were grown adults watching colorful aliens with TVs in their stomachs? Because 1997 was a very weird time to be alive, “Eh-Oh!”
13. Aqua (Barbie Girl): Why was Barbie so “fantastic”? Because in 1997, we decided that plastic life was better than real life, as long as it had a Europop beat.
14. Nicolas Cage & John Travolta (Face/Off): Why were they swapping faces? Because in 1997, the only thing better than one over-acting superstar was two over-acting superstars pretending to be each other.
15. Jennifer Lopez (Selena): Why did J.Lo become a star? Because she proved that the best way to start a legendary career is to play a legend who was gone too soon.
16. Harrison Ford (Air Force One): Why was he the best President? Because he was the only one in 1997 who could tell a terrorist to “Get off my plane!” and actually make them do it.
17. South Park: Why were parents terrified of 1997? Because four foul-mouthed kids from Colorado proved that cartoons weren’t just for kids, and “Oh my God, they killed Kenny!”
18. Julia Roberts (My Best Friend’s Wedding): Why was Julia Roberts so desperate? Because in 1997, realizing your best friend is getting married was the romantic equivalent of a category 5 hurricane.
19. Verve (Bittersweet Symphony): Why was Richard Ashcroft walking through people? Because in 1997, being “cool” meant having zero spatial awareness and a really long coat.
20. Radiohead (OK Computer): Why was everyone suddenly depressed? Because Thom Yorke predicted that computers would make us all “Paranoid Androids” before we even had Wi-Fi.
21. Austin Powers: Why was everything “Groovy, baby”? Because Mike Myers convinced us that bad teeth and velvet suits were the ultimate secret agent accessories.
22. Puff Daddy: Why was he in every music video? Because in 1997, you couldn’t breathe without P. Diddy “sampling” your air and whispering “Take that” in the background.
23. Demi Moore (G.I. Jane): Why did she shave her head? Because in 1997, she wanted to prove that she was tougher than the Navy SEALs and every tabloid journalist combined.
24. The Backstreet Boys: Why were they “Back”? Because in 1997, we forgot they had ever left, as long as they kept wearing matching white outfits in the rain.
25. Tiger Woods: Why was the Masters so quiet? Because a 21-year-old Tiger was busy making every other golfer look like they were playing minigolf at a birthday party.
26. Sarah Michelle Gellar: Why was she hanging out in cemeteries? Because in 1997, Buffy the Vampire Slayer made high school look easy compared to fighting the literal undead.
27. Jim Carrey (Liar Liar): Why couldn’t he lie? Because in 1997, the only thing more painful than telling the truth was watching Jim Carrey try to beat himself up in a bathroom.
28. Chumbawamba: Why did they keep getting knocked down? Because in 1997, “Tubthumping” was the only song that gave you permission to drink a lager, a cider, and a vodka drink all at once.
29. Sigourney Weaver (Alien Resurrection): Why did she come back? Because in 1997, even being dead for 200 years wasn’t a good enough excuse to skip a sequel.
30. Janet Jackson (The Velvet Rope): Why was she so deep? Because in 1997, Janet decided that if Michael was the King of Pop, she was the Queen of introspective piercings.
31. Pierce Brosnan (Tomorrow Never Dies): Why was Bond fighting a media mogul? Because in 1997, we realized that fake news was a bigger threat than a nuclear submarine.
32. Marcy Playground: Why were we “Sex and Candy”? Because in 1997, alternative rock lyrics didn’t have to make sense as long as they sounded like they were written in a basement.
33. Tommy Lee Jones (Volcano): Why was there a volcano in LA? Because in 1997, Hollywood decided that if a tornado (1996) didn’t kill us, lava on Wilshire Blvd would.
34. The Lost World (Jurassic Park): Why were the dinosaurs in San Diego? Because even a T-Rex wanted to see what all the fuss about the Macarena was about before it died out again.