136 Classic Punny One-Liners: The Social Network Dawn (2004)

The 2004 Top 10: Status Update Classics

1. The Facebook: I just joined “TheFacebook.” I’m finally “writing” on my own wall without getting arrested.
2. The Friends Finale: I watched the last episode of Friends. I guess they finally “ran out of steam” at Central Perk.
3. The Shrek 2: I’m a big fan of Puss in Boots. He’s got “purr-fect” timing.
4. The Motorola Razr: My new phone is so thin, I’m “cutting” all my calls short.
5. The Mean Girls: Why did the girl bring a map to school? She heard it was “fetch” but didn’t know where to find it.
6. The Lost: I started watching a show about a plane crash. I’m totally “marooned” on the plot.
7. The Spider-Man 2: Doc Ock is a great villain. He’s very “handy” in a fight.
8. The Nintendo DS: I got a dual-screen handheld. Now I can see my puns in “stereo.”
9. The O-Zone: I heard a song in a language I don’t know. It was “ma-ia-hi,” ma-ia-ho-rrible.
10. The Incredibles: My family is a bit much, but they’re “incredible” when they suit up.

The Full 2004 Archive (The “Flip-Phone” List)

11. The Battery: I’m feeling “recharged” after my Motorola Razr arrived.
12. The Magnet: I’m “attracted” to my new digital profile.
13. The Mirror: I’m “reflecting” on why I’m poking people online.
14. The Camera: I’m “focusing” on my low-res selfies.
15. The MP3: I’m “bit-rate”ing my favorite songs.
16. The Firewall: I’m “blocking” my ex on the new social site.
17. The Virus: I’m “sick” of these pop-up ads.
18. The Laptop: I’m “folding” under the weight of my schoolwork.
19. The Screen: I’m “displaying” my mood on my status.
20. The Mouse: I’m “clicking” with the cool kids.
21. The Keyboard: I’m “typing” my way into someone’s Top 8.
22. The Printer: I’m “inking” about printing my digital photos.
23. The Scanner: I’m “beaming” my infrared data to your phone.
24. The Modem: I’m “dialing” back the sarcasm.
25. The Router: I’m “signaling” for a better connection.
26. The Website: I’m “coding” my own personality.
27. The Link: I’m “chaining” my thoughts together.
28. The Cursor: I’m “pointing” out that 2004 is great.
29. The Password: I’m “keeping” my secrets behind a wall.
30. The Folder: I’m “containing” my excitement for the weekend.
31. The File: I’m “storing” my feelings in a ZIP folder.
32. The Desktop: I’m “iconic” on any screen.
33. The Wallpaper: I’m “sticking” to the defaults.
34. The Trash Can: I’m “emptying” my brain for the holidays.
35. The Window: I’m “browsing” for a new life.
36. The Menu: I’m “selecting” my favorite “Friends” character.
37. The Scroll: I’m “rolling” through the newsfeed.
38. The Save: I’m “storing” my high scores.
39. The Load: I’m “buffering” my social skills.
40. The Font: I’m just “Comic Sans”-ing around.
41. The Bold: I’m “italic-izing” my importance.
42. The Space: I “need” more space on my memory card.
43. The Shift: I’m “changing” my ringtone to a polyphonic one.
44. The Control: I’m “alt-ering” my profile layout.
45. The Escape: I’m “fleeing” from the spoiler alerts.
46. The Home: I’m “landing” on the login page.
47. The Tab: I’m “switching” between my blog and my profile.
48. The Delete: I’m “erasing” my embarrassing posts.
49. The Number: I’m “counting” my friend requests.
50. The Bread: I’m “kneading” a bigger data plan.
51. The Butter: I’m “spreading” the viral links.
52. The Egg: I’m “cracking” under the social pressure.
53. The Cheese: I’m “grating” on everyone’s wall.
54. The Milk: I’m “milking” my 15 minutes of fame.
55. The Coffee: I’m “brewing” a new status update.
56. The Tea: I’m “spilling” the beans on the forum.
57. The Sugar: I’m “coating” my comments with kindness.
58. The Salt: I’m “shaking” off the haters.
59. The Honey: I’m “stuck” on this new game.
60. The Jam: I’m “pumping” up the volume on my iPod Mini.
61. The Toast: I’m “burnt” out from studying.
62. The Juice: I’m “squeezing” into my skinny jeans.
63. The Water: I’m “streaming” videos at a snail’s pace.
64. The Soda: I’m “fizzing” with excitement for the sequel.
65. The Apple: I’m “taking” a bite out of the new tech.
66. The Banana: I’m “slipping” into old habits.
67. The Orange: I’m “peeling” away from the TV.
68. The Grape: I’m “whining” about the dial-up.
69. The Melon: I’m “seeding” the torrent.
70. The Peach: I’m “just” feeling fuzzy.
71. The Pear: We’re a “fruitful” couple online.
72. The Plum: I’ve got a “juicy” secret to share.
73. The Cherry: I’m the “pick” of the bunch.
74. The Lemon: I’m “souring” on this new trend.
75. The Lime: I’m “zesting” up my bio.
76. The Berry: I’m “berry” much into this site.
77. The Nut: I’m “cracking” the level 10 boss.
78. The Bean: I’ve “been” there, done that, posted the photo.
79. The Corn: This pun is “shucking” awful.
80. The Potato: I’m a “couch” potato with a laptop.
81. The Tomato: I’m “ketching” up on my episodes.
82. The Carrot: I’m “rooting” for my favorite idol.
83. The Onion: I’m “layering” my outfits.
84. The Garlic: I’m “breath-taking” in my new profile pic.
85. The Mushroom: I’m a “fun-gi” to follow.
86. The Tree: I’m “branching” out into blogging.
87. The Leaf: I’m “turning” over a new digital leaf.
88. The Flower: I’m “blooming” in the spotlight.
89. The Bee: I’m “buzzing” about the concert.
90. The Ant: I’m “working” on my Top Friends list.
91. The Spider: I’m “surfing” the social web.
92. The Fish: I’m “hooked” on these updates.
93. The Bird: I’m “soaring” through the charts.
94. The Cat: I’m “purr-sonalizing” my homepage.
95. The Dog: I’m “barking” up the wrong server.
96. The Horse: I’m “stable” enough for a relationship status.
97. The Cow: I’m “moo-ving” to the suburbs.
98. The Pig: I’m “hogging” the phone line.
99. The Sheep: I’m “following” the leaderboards.
100. The Duck: I’m “quacking” up at the memes.
101. The Bear: I can’t “bear” another pop-up.
102. The Lion: I’m “pride-ful” of my high score.
103. The Tiger: I’m “earning” my stripes.
104. The Elephant: I’ll “never” forget my password.
105. The Monkey: I’m “swinging” by your profile.
106. The Snake: I’m “hiss-terical” when I’m bored.
107. The Turtle: I’m “slowly” uploading my album.
108. The Frog: I’m “leaping” into the chat room.
109. The Sun: I’m “shining” through the pixels.
110. The Moon: I’m “phasing” out of this trend.
111. The Star: I’m “twinkling” on the screen.
112. The Cloud: I’m “feeling” a bit hazy today.
113. The Rain: I’m “pouring” my thoughts into a blog.
114. The Snow: I’m “chilled” out with my MP3s.
115. The Wind: I’m “blown” away by the new internet speeds.
116. The Fire: I’m “burning” a new CD.
117. The Water: I’m “treading” the digital waters.
118. The Earth: I’m “grounded” for overusing the minutes.
119. The Air: I’m “broadcasting” my life.
120. The Metal: I’m “hardened” by the comments section.
121. The Wood: I’m “pining” for the weekend.
122. The Glass: I’m “transparent” about my feelings.
123. The Plastic: I’m “flexible” with my schedule.
124. The Paper: I’m “writing” it all down.
125. The Stone: I’m “rocking” the new look.
126. The Sand: I’m “shore” about my top eight.
127. The Dust: I’m “settling” into my new room.
128. The Smoke: I’m “vanishing” from the chat.
129. The Mirror: I’m “seeing” double after gaming.
130. The Shadow: I’m “lurking” on your profile.
131. The Echo: I’m “repeating” the same jokes.
132. The Silence: I’m “muted” in the group chat.
133. The Light: I’m “brightening” up your feed.
134. The Dark: I’m “dimming” the screen to save battery.
135. The Sound: I’m “vibrating” with notification.
136. The End: I’m “logging” off—see you in 2005!