71 Observational One-Liners: The 2000 Millennium Edition

Welcome to the year 2000 – the future has finally arrived, and it looks a lot like the 90s but with more glitter and faster CPUs. We survived the Millennium Bug, watched Russell Crowe fight tigers in Rome, and spent our nights trying to keep our Sims from drowning in their own pools. From the launch of the PS2 to the rise of reality TV, here is the observational archive of the year that started it all.

The 2000 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The Y2K Relief: I woke up on January 1st, and my toaster didn’t try to kill me. I’ve never been so disappointed to have a basement full of canned beans.
2. The PlayStation 2 Hype: People are literally wrestling in front of electronics stores for a console that “can play DVDs,” as if watching The Matrix on a game box is the ultimate human achievement.
3. The Gladiator Quote: I’ve spent the whole year asking people if they are “entertained” every time I do something basic, like finishing my lunch.
4. The Sims Addiction: I just spent six hours building a virtual house for a digital family, only to realize I haven’t washed a single real dish in my actual house.
5. The Nokia 3310 Legend: My new phone can survive a nuclear blast, fall from a skyscraper, and still play Snake II with 40% battery left. It’s not a phone; it’s a brick that vibrates.
6. The Cast Away Fear: After watching Tom Cruise… wait, Tom Hanks, I can’t look at a volleyball or a FedEx box without getting emotional.
7. The Napster Trial: I’m currently downloading a song that says “Eminem_Real_Slim_Shady_LIVE.mp3,” and I’m 90% sure it’s actually a recording of someone coughing over a techno beat.
8. The Scary Movie Loop: We’re watching a parody of a movie that was already a parody of a genre. My brain is officially in a meta-lock.
9. The Razor Scooter Ankles: There is no pain in the year 2000 quite like a spinning metal scooter hitting you in the ankle bone at Mach 1.
10. The “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” Tension: I’ve spent my Friday nights watching a guy in a suit ask people if they want to use a “Lifeline,” and I’m genuinely stressed about a stranger’s knowledge of 18th-century poetry.

The Full 2000 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Eminem Shock: A blond guy is rapping about his mom again, and this time he’s brought an army of clones to MTV.
12. The X-Men Revolution: We finally saw Wolverine on the big screen, and we’ve all agreed that yellow spandex was a bad idea for real life.
13. The “Oops!… I Did It Again” Red Suit: Britney Spears is on Mars in a red latex suit, and NASA has never looked so stylish.
14. The Linkin Park “In The End”: I’ve tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, my dial-up connection still failed at 99%.
15. The Meet the Parents Anxiety: I will never look at a hidden camera or a cat named Jinx the same way again.
16. The “Bye Bye Bye” Dance: NSYNC is trapped in a box like puppets, which is a perfect metaphor for how this song has trapped my brain.
17. The Crouching Tiger Physics: I just watched two people fight on a bamboo branch. 2000 is the year gravity officially gave up.
18. The Survivor Obsession: We’re watching 16 people eat rats on an island, and suddenly my office politics feel very amateur.
19. The “Stan” Warning: Eminem taught us that if your fan starts writing you letters in neon ink, it’s time to move house.
20. The Charlie’s Angels Reboot: Flying kicks, hair flips, and Destiny’s Child on the soundtrack. This is the peak of the year 2000 aesthetic.
21. The Harry Potter Casting: They found the kids for the movie! Now we just have to wait a year to see if they can actually act.
22. The “Yellow” Coldplay: Everything was yellow, including my mood after realizing my 64MB RAM isn’t enough to run the new Deus Ex.
23. The How the Grinch Stole Christmas: Jim Carrey in green fur is the only thing that could make the year 2000 holidays feel normal.
24. The “Thong Song” Everywhere: Sisqo has made sure that no one in the world can look at underwear the same way ever again.
25. The Snatch Dialogue: I’ve watched this movie three times and I still don’t know what Brad Pitt said, but I know I want a caravan.
26. The Diablo II Grind: My mouse clicker finger is currently more muscular than my actual bicep.
27. The “Butterfly” Crazy Town: “Come my lady, come-come my lady”—the official song of every guy with a puka shell necklace.
28. The Unbreakable Twist: M. Night Shyamalan is back to make us question everything, including why we’re sitting in a dark theater for two hours.
29. The “Kryptonite” 3 Doors Down: I’m not a superhero, but I do feel like I have a weakness for early 2000s post-grunge.
30. The Final Destination Fear: I can’t drive behind a log truck anymore. My life is ruined by a horror movie premise.
31. The “Independent Women” Anthem: Destiny’s Child is asking if I can pay my own bills. The answer is yes, but only because I live on ramen.
32. The American Psycho Morning Routine: I’ve started using an ice pack and a honey-almond body scrub, but I still don’t have a reservation at Dorsia.
33. The Paperless Office Myth: It’s 2000, and I’ve used more printer paper this week than I did in the entire 1980s.
34. The “Beautiful Day” U2: Bono says it’s a beautiful day, and I’m inclined to believe him because my stock options just went up 2%.
35. The High Fidelity List: I’ve started ranking my top five breakups in chronological order. I’m basically John Cusack now.
36. The “Ms. Jackson” Apology: Outkast is apologizing to my mom for the trillionth time today on the radio.
37. The Almost Famous Vibe: I want to be a “Band-Aid” and go on a tour bus, but I’m currently stuck in a cubicle with a leaking pen.
38. The “Music” Madonna: Madonna is a cowgirl now. 2000 is the year we all decided that denim and rhinestones are “high fashion.”
39. The Perfect Storm Anxiety: George Clooney and a big wave. I’m never going on a boat again.
40. The “Lady Marmalade” Remake: Pink, Mya, Lil’ Kim, and Christina. There is so much hairspray in this video it’s a fire hazard.
41. The Deus Ex Prediction: The year 2052 looks dark, but at least the sunglasses are cool.
42. The “Try Again” Aaliyah: Dust yourself off and try again—the motto of everyone trying to burn a CD on a 1x drive.
43. The Gone in 60 Seconds: Nicolas Cage stole 50 cars, and I can’t even remember where I parked mine at the grocery store.
44. The “Rock DJ” Video: Robbie Williams took off his skin? I didn’t need to see that during my lunch break.
45. The Bring It On Cheers: “Brrr! It’s cold in here!”—every cheerleader in the world just got a new personality.
46. The “With Arms Wide Open”: Creed is still here, and Scott Stapp still sounds like he’s singing while gargling pebbles.
47. The Road Trip Comedy: Tom Green and a snake. 2000 was a very simple time for humor.
48. The “Country Grammar” Rap: Nelly brought a bandage on his face and a new sound from St. Louis.
49. The Miss Congeniality Transformation: Sandra Bullock proved that you can be an FBI agent and a beauty queen, as long as you have a pizza.
50. The “It’s Gonna Be Me”: Justin Timberlake’s hair looks like ramen noodles, but we all still want to be him.
51. The Billy Elliot Dance: A boy doing ballet in a mining town? 2000 is the year of breaking stereotypes.
52. The “Bag Lady” Erykah Badu: A gentle reminder from the neo-soul queen that I’m carrying way too much emotional baggage.
53. The Coyote Ugly Dream: Every girl wants to dance on a bar and pour water on themselves now. The service at my local pub has changed.
54. The “Original Prankster” Offspring: Dexter Holland is still telling us how to be annoying, and we’re still listening.
55. The What Women Want Premise: Mel Gibson can hear women’s thoughts, and he’s still confused. That feels accurate.
56. The “Groove Is In The Heart” (wait, that was 90s): My brain is still catching up to the fact that it’s a new decade.
57. The USB Flash Drive: I just saw a 16MB stick that costs $50. Why would I need that when I have a perfectly good floppy disk?
58. The “Teenage Dirtbag” Anthem: Wheatus just described my entire high school experience in four minutes.
59. The Dude, Where’s My Car?: “And then?” “No and then!” The peak of intellectual discourse in the year 2000.
60. The “All The Small Things” Video: Blink-182 parodying boy bands is the most 2000 thing to ever happen.
61. The Millionaire “Lifeline”: Calling my mom to ask who the 14th President was. She doesn’t know either.
62. The “Californication” Graphics: Red Hot Chili Peppers in a video game? I wish my real life looked that 64-bit.
63. The Remember the Titans Tears: A football movie that made me cry. I blame Denzel Washington’s charisma.
64. The “Take A Look Around”: Limp Bizkit doing Mission: Impossible. It’s loud, it’s angry, and I love it.
65. The Bedazzled Trend: Everything needs more sparkles. My phone, my jeans, my dog—everything.
66. The “Wait and Bleed” Slipknot: My parents are convinced this music is a portal to another dimension.
67. The Scary Movie 2 Hype: “Take my strong hand!” If I hear this one more time, I’m quitting.
68. The “Breathless” Corrs: Irish family pop is the only thing keeping the radio from being 100% Eminem.
69. The Google “I’m Feeling Lucky” Button: I’ve never used it. I don’t trust the internet to be that lucky.
70. The Matrix Screensaver: If your computer doesn’t have falling green code, do you even live in the year 2000?
71. The 2000 Optimism: We’re in the new millennium! Surely the next 10 years will be peaceful, stable, and totally normal.