63 Mother-in-Law Jokes: The 2006 “Twitter & Wii” Edition

In 2006, the world learned to condense its thoughts into 140 characters and started getting “Wii elbow” from virtual sports. It was the year of The Da Vinci Code, the launch of Blu-ray, and the moment Pluto was demoted from being a planet. For the mother-in-law, this meant her status as the “center of the universe” was non-negotiable, and her critiques became as sharp and short as a tweet.

The 2006 Top 10: The “Motion Control” Classics

1. The Wii Sports: We played Wii Bowling. My mother-in-law got a strike and said, “It’s surprisingly easy to knock things down—I’ve been doing it to your self-esteem for years.”
2. The Twitter: My mother-in-law joined Twitter. She doesn’t follow anyone; she just broadcasts 140-character reminders that I haven’t painted the guest room yet.
3. The Pluto: When Pluto was demoted, my mother-in-law said, “I know how it feels to be cold, distant, and suddenly unwanted in a family gathering.”
4. The Da Vinci Code: She read the book and said the “ancient conspiracy” was nothing compared to the one she suspects I have with the local pizza delivery guy to avoid her cooking.
5. The Wii Fit: She tried the Wii Fit. The board told her she was “unbalanced.” She didn’t mind the weight; she just argued with the machine about its “tone of voice.”
6. The Blu-ray: I bought a Blu-ray player. She said, “The picture is so clear I can actually see the dust on your soul from here.”
7. The 140 Characters: I told her Twitter has a limit. She said, “I only need ten characters to tell you you’re a failure. ‘I told you so’ is only eleven.”
8. The Nintendo Wii: She thinks the Wii remote is a magic wand. She keeps waving it at me hoping I’ll disappear or turn into a high-earning lawyer.
9. The High Def: She hates HD television. She says it makes her “disappointed face” look too realistic and she wants to maintain some mystery.
10. The Google (Part 6): She asked Google, “Who is the world’s most patient woman?” Google replied, “Your daughter, for staying married to that man.”

The Full 2006 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Hashtag: She doesn’t know how hashtags work. She just says “Hashtag: Disappointed” out loud after every dinner.
12. The Avatar: Her Mii character on the Wii has a permanent frown. The console tried to fix it, but it crashed.
13. The Flat Screen: She says our 2006 flat screen is “arrogant” because it takes up so much wall space without showing anything educational.
14. The Flash Drive: She thinks a “Flash Drive” is what I do when I see her car entering the driveway.
15. The Bluetooth: She thinks Bluetooth is a dental condition caused by too much blueberry pie.
16. The E-mail Attachment: She sent me a PDF titled “Where You Went Wrong: Volume 14.”
17. The Garden: She told the lawn it was “lacking a sense of direction.”
18. The Flip Phone snapping: She’s still using the Razr because the “snap” sounds like a judge’s gavel closing a case.
19. The Coffee: Her coffee is so strong it’s actually illegal to dump it in the regular sewer system.
20. The Sitcom: She says 30 Rock is about how much of a “rock” she is and how “30 minutes” is all she can stand of me.
21. The Cleaning: She brought a laser pointer to the house to highlight the dust bunnies under the radiator.
22. The Wedding Video: She’s trying to sell the “Special Anniversary Edition” of our wedding, featuring her own live commentary.
23. The Neighbor: She told the neighbor his sprinklers were “showing off.”
24. The Airbag: She asked if the SUV has an “eject button” for when my jokes get too old.
25. The Internet Search: She searched for “Average lifespan of a son-in-law who forgets Mother’s Day.”
26. The Digital Photo: She says digital photos are “too convenient.” She misses the days when you had to pay for your mistakes to be developed.
27. The Library: She checked out a book on “The History of Everything.” She returned it because she wasn’t mentioned in the “Important Figures” section.
28. The Mirror: She looked in the mirror and asked why it was “judging her back.”
29. The Vacuum: She says the Roomba is “the only member of this family she respects.”
30. The Map: I bought her a GPS. The GPS ended up asking her for a “break” after five miles.
31. The Chat Room: She’s the only person who can make a “Happy Face” emoji look like a subpoena.
32. The Supermarket: She tried to return a grapefruit because it “tasted like it had a grudge.”
33. The Alarm Clock: She says my alarm clock is “brave” for thinking I’ll get out of bed on the first ring.
34. The Restaurant: She asked the waiter if the soup was “socially acceptable” or just “filling.”
35. The Rain: She says the rain in 2006 is “too loud” and clearly lacks discipline.
36. The Diary: Her diary entry: “Day 6 of the visit. The son-in-law still doesn’t realize I’ve hidden the remote in the freezer.”
37. The Phone: She’s the only person who can make “End Call” feel like a life sentence.
38. The Suitcase: Her luggage is so heavy it requires its own escort vehicle.
39. The Pizza: She told the pizza guy his shoes were “a cry for help.”
40. The Thermostat: She says 69 degrees is “the temperature of a lukewarm soul.”
41. The Bird: My parrot started saying “I’m not angry, just disappointed.” He’s a natural.
42. The Exercise: She says her favorite sport is “marathon nagging.”
43. The Window: She spends so much time at the window she’s practically a security system.
44. The Ghost: She told a ghost its “sheet was off-white” and it should “really try harder.”
45. The Calculator: She used a calculator to prove I’ve spent 40% of our marriage looking for the remote.
46. The Hat: Her Sunday hat is so big it’s causing a localized eclipse.
47. The Story: She tells a story about her childhood that always proves I’m not qualified to use a toaster.
48. The Guest Room: She says the guest room curtains are “passive-aggressive.”
49. The Car Trip: We drove to the forest. She said the trees were “too close together.”
50. The New Year: She’s already making a list of “2007 Failures” for me.
51. The Cake: She baked a cake so hard I’m using it as a base for the new garden shed.
52. The Radio: She hates “Garage Rock.” She says, “If it was meant to be in a garage, why isn’t it cleaning it?”
53. The Tea: Her tea is so hot it’s actually a localized sun.
54. The Walk: When she walks through the park, the ducks form a line to complain to her.
55. The Postcard: She sent a postcard from a desert island. It said: “Peace at last. But the sand is too sandy.”
56. The Camera: She thinks the “Self-Timer” on a camera is a way for it to “prepare to be disappointed.”
57. The Furniture: She told the bookshelf it was “lacking a clear narrative.”
58. The Final Word: She doesn’t just get the last word. She gets the copyright, the trademark, and the syndication rights.
59. The Wii Remote: She keeps trying to use the Wii remote to change my personality.
60. The MySpace Top 8: She’s at number one in my “Top 8,” but only because she knows my password.
61. The Social Network: She says she’s the “CEO of this family” and I’m just a “temporary intern.”
62. The YouTube Comment: She leaves comments on my life in real-time. Usually “1 star, would not recommend.”
63. The 2006 Wrap-Up: She said 2006 was a good year, mostly because she found 63 new ways to tell me I’m wrong.