63 Doctor Jokes: The 2010 “iPad Launch & Obamacare Debate” Edition

In 2010, the medical world went “flat.” If you didn’t have an iPad to show your patients their vitals, were you even a doctor? Humor focused on the massive confusion over new insurance laws and the fact that people were starting to care more about how their surgery would look in a “Lo-Fi” filter than the actual recovery time.

The 2010 Top 10

1. The iPad Diagnosis: My doctor walked in with an iPad. I asked if he was checking my chart. He said, “No, I’m playing Angry Birds while I wait for your blood pressure to stabilize. It’s very therapeutic.”
2. The Obamacare Maze: I asked my doctor to explain the new healthcare law. He handed me a 2,000-page book and said, “Read this. If you don’t have a headache by page 50, you aren’t paying attention.”
3. The Instagram Surgeon: My plastic surgeon asked me to hold a sign with my username before the operation. He said, “The surgery is free if we get 1,000 likes by the time you wake up.”
4. The Tablet Fever: “Is that my X-ray on your tablet?” “No,” the doctor replied, “that’s just a smudge. But if you swipe left, you can see the guy in Room 4’s kidney stones.”
5. The Insurance Panic: A man ran into the clinic shouting, “Does this plan cover 2011?” The receptionist said, “Sir, in 2010, we aren’t even sure it covers this afternoon.”
6. The 4G Physical: “Your heart is beating fast.” “I’m on a new 4G network!” “That’s great for your phone, but it’s giving your pacemaker an identity crisis.”
7. The App Store Solution: I told the doctor I can’t sleep. He said, “There’s an app for that. It plays the sound of an insurance adjuster reading fine print. You’ll be out in seconds.”
8. The Dentist’s New Tech: My dentist bought a 3D scanner. He told me, “I can now see your cavities in high definition before I charge you an extra-large fee for them.”
9. The Second Opinion: “Doctor, I’m worried about the future of healthcare.” “Me too. That’ll be $250 while the currency is still valid.”
10. The Waiting Room: The magazines are finally from 2010! But they’re all about how to use an iPad. I still can’t find the ‘on’ button on the paper version.

The 2010 General Clinic Mix (Extended Archive)

11. The Vision: “I see squares.” “That’s just ‘Retina Display’ envy. Put the tablet down.”
12. The Surgeon: “I’m going to operate.” “Wait, did you download the latest ‘Surgery Pro’ update?”
13. The Diet: “I’m on the ‘Tablet Diet’.” “What’s that?” “I’m so broke from buying gadgets I can only afford to eat digital apples.”
14. The Exercise: “I’m using ‘Nike+’.” “Are you running?” “No, but my shoes think I am, and that’s half the battle.”
15. The X-Ray: “Your ribs are fine, but your spine is curved like a question mark. Probably from leaning over your iPhone 4.”
16. The Psychiatrist: “Doctor, I feel like I’m being ‘Followed’.” “On Twitter? That’s the goal, isn’t it?”
17. The Anesthesia: “Count backwards from ten.” “Ten… nine… eight… Steve Jobs…”
18. The Insurance: I asked if they cover ‘Technological Obsession.’ They said, “Only if you pay with a credit card that has a microchip.”
19. The Specialist: I went to an ‘App Specialist.’ He didn’t check my cough; he just deleted my cache.
20. The Reflex: He hit my knee. I ‘Checked-in’ on Foursquare.
21. The Pharmacist: “Do you have the new ‘Smart Pills’?” “No, but I have these ones that make you feel like a genius for five minutes.”
22. The Stethoscope: “Your heart sounds like a 2010 pop song.” “Catchy?” “No, repetitive and slightly autotuned.”
23. The Ear Exam: “I hear a buzzing.” “It’s your phone. It’s been vibrating in your pocket for three hours.”
24. The Surgeon’s Hands: “Steady as a rock.” “Is it the coffee?” “No, I just have a very high-resolution screen.”
25. The Memory: “Doctor, I keep forgetting my cloud password.” “Write it on your arm. Everyone else is getting tattoos anyway.”
26. The Nurse: “Scale of 1 to 10?” “My pain is a 7, but my data plan is a 10.”
27. The Surgeon 2: “I’m using a robotic arm with an iPad interface.” “Can I play Fruit Ninja on it later?”
28. The Waiting Room 2: I’ve been here so long I’ve actually seen the iPad 2 get announced on the lobby TV.
29. The HMO: “We don’t cover ‘Social Media Anxiety’. That’s a ‘Self-Inflicted Digital Wound’.”
30. The Transplant: “We found a donor, but their insurance card is from 2009 and won’t scan.”
31. The Bill: “Why is there an ‘iFee’?” “Because I used a touch-screen to calculate it.”
32. The Heart: “Your pulse is fast.” “I’m trying to win an eBay auction!” “Valid 2010 stressor.”
33. The Dentist: “You have a cavity.” “Can I pay in ‘FarmVille’ coins?” “Get out.”
34. The HMO Gym: It’s just a room where you try to outrun your own shadow.
35. The Sleep Study: “You snore in high definition.”
36. The Blood Pressure: It hit 160 when the doctor said his new system doesn’t recognize my ‘Pre-Obamacare’ plan.
37. The Mirror: “I look ‘Filtered’.” “That’s the Instagram effect. You’re actually just pale.”
38. The Referral: He sent me to a specialist who only works via Skype. The connection was so bad I thought I had a skin condition.
39. The Emergency: “Is there a doctor here?” “I’m a Doctor of App Development!” “Can you fix his heart?” “No, but I can make it glow blue.”
40. The Surgeon’s Hobby: “I collect first-generation iPads. They’re great for holding doors open.”
41. The Pill Logic: “Take this pill and don’t tweet for 24 hours.”
42. The Diet 2: “I’m eating ‘Raw’.” “Good, your stomach is confused, but your blog looks great.”
43. The Surgeon’s Ego: “I’m the first surgeon to use a tablet.” “And I’m the first patient to wish you’d use a scalpel instead.”
44. The Pharmacy Wait 2: I’ve been here so long that my paper prescription has turned into a ‘Vintage’ collectible.
45. The Stress 2: “You’re stressed about the ‘Antennagate’.” “No, I’m stressed because I can’t find a signal in this lead-lined office.”
46. The Ear Exam 2: “I can’t hear out of my right ear.” “Stop trying to use your phone as a pillow.”
47. The Knee: “It hurts when I do this.” “Then stop doing that and buy a protective case for your leg.”
48. The Pager: My doctor finally threw his pager away. He said, “If you want me, tag me in a photo.”
49. The Generic 2: “Is this generic?” “It’s so generic it’s actually just a placeholder for a real pill.”
50. The Virus: “It’s a 2010 virus. It’s mostly harmless, but it makes you want to buy a turtleneck.”
51. The Heart 2: “Your heart rate is 140.” “I’m looking at the iPad price tag!” “Deep breaths.”
52. The Vitamin: “Take this. It has ‘Silicon Valley Minerals’.” “Which are?” “Mostly sand and ambition.”
53. The Surgeon’s Fee 2: He asked for my iPhone 4 as a down payment. I told him the signal was bad. He said, “I’ll use it as a paperweight.”
54. The MRI: “Does this machine have an app?” “No, it’s a million-dollar magnet. Try to stay still.”
55. The Prescription: “I can’t read this.” “It’s because I wrote it on a stylus and the screen lagged.”
56. The Dentist 2: “This might hurt.” “My teeth?” “No, the fact that your insurance doesn’t cover ‘White Fillings’ anymore.”
57. The Emergency Room: I waited 8 hours. I saw a man build an entire house in Minecraft while waiting for a stitch.
58. The Final Word: “You’re cured!” “Really?” “Yes, your digital health record says you’re 100% optimized.”
59. The Lab Result: “You’re 10% blood, 90% ‘2010 Tech Anxiety’.”
60. The Specialist 2: “He’s the best.” “Why?” “He’s the only one who knows how to ‘Unlock’ a patient’s potential.”
61. The Hospital Bed: “This bed is hard.” “It’s ‘Ergonomic’. That means ‘Uncomfortable but looks good on a website’.”
62. The Anesthesia 2: “I’m going under.” “See you in the ‘Cloud’!”
63. The Exit: “See you next year!” “Assuming my plan still exists by Tuesday!”