69 Doctor Jokes: The 2003 “SARS Scare & Digital Charts” Edition

In 2003, medical humor was dominated by the irony of living in a “high-tech” world while being terrified of a microscopic virus from across the globe. Doctors were caught between the “Old World” of paper files and the “New World” of encrypted digital charts that required fifteen different passwords just to check a patient’s blood type. It was the year of the “Cyber-Chondriac” – people who spent more time on medical message boards than in the gym.

The 2003 Top 10: The “Encrypted & Epidemic” Classics

The SARS Mask: I saw my doctor wearing three masks. I asked, “Is it because of SARS?” He said, “No, it’s because I haven’t had time to brush my teeth since the 48-hour shift started.”
The Cyber-Chondriac: A man told his doctor, “I have every symptom of the ‘West Nile Virus’.” The doctor looked at his chart and said, “Sir, you live in a basement in Ohio. You haven’t seen a mosquito since 1998.”
The HIPAA Mystery: I asked the nurse for my own lab results. She said, “I can’t tell you. According to the new HIPAA laws, even you are a threat to your own privacy.”
The High-Speed Diagnosis: “Your symptoms are loading,” the doctor said, staring at his frozen computer screen. “In the meantime, let’s pretend I’m actually listening to your chest.”
The Digital Chart: My doctor’s new software crashed mid-exam. He looked at me and said, “According to this, you’re a 404 Error. Please come back when you’ve been ‘re-indexed’.”
The Surgeon’s Password: My surgeon was 20 minutes late. He said, “Sorry, the hospital changed the password policy. I needed a capital letter, a symbol, and the blood of a virgin just to unlock the scalpel locker.”
The Antibacterial Craze: I asked for a prescription. The doctor just handed me a gallon of hand sanitizer and said, “Rub this on your soul. It’s the only thing 2003 insurance covers.”
The Second Opinion: “Doctor, I feel like a flip-phone.” “You’re outdated, hard to open, and nobody wants to talk to you for more than a minute?” “Exactly!”
The HMO Logic: My HMO won’t pay for a physical exam, but they sent me a 10% off coupon for a coffin. “Planning ahead,” they called it.
The Waiting Room: The copy of National Geographic on the table is so old it features an article titled “Is this ‘Internet’ thing here to stay?”

The Full 2003 Archive (Extended List)

The Vision: “I see blurry lines.” “That’s not your eyes, that’s just the resolution of your new ‘Digital X-ray’.”
The Surgeon’s Ego: He told me he’s a “Medical Rockstar.” I asked for an autograph; he gave me a bill for $5,000.
The Pharmacy: “This drug is so new it doesn’t even have a name. We just call it ‘The 2003 Debt’.”
The Diet: “I’m on the ‘No-Carb’ diet.” “So you’re just angry all the time?” “Yes.” “That’s a normal 2003 side effect.”
The Exercise: “I bought a stationary bike.” “Do you ride it?” “No, but it holds ten more coats than my closet.”
The X-Ray: “Your bones look fine, but your posture looks like someone who spends 10 hours a day on MySpace.”
The Psychiatrist: “Doctor, I feel like I’m being ‘Spammed’.” “That’s not a mental illness, that’s just your inbox.”
The Insurance Form: The 2003 form is so long it has a table of contents and an index.
The Nurse: “Scale of 1 to 10?” “A 5.” “We don’t treat 5s. Come back when you’re an 8 or a 0.”
The Stethoscope: “Your heart is beating fast.” “I’m excited!” “I’m not, I’m the one who has to bill you.”
The Reflex: He hit my knee. I didn’t move. He said, “You have ‘Dial-Up Reflexes’. Very slow.”
The Memory: “Doctor, I keep forgetting my usernames.” “Write them on your forehead. That’s what I do.”
The Surgeon’s Hands: “Steady as a surgeon’s.” “But you’re shaking!” “I’m just vibrating with excellence.”
The Diagnosis 2: “You have ‘Thumb Cramp’ from trying to text on a blackberry.”
The Pharmacist 2: “This bottle is child-proof, adult-proof, and hacker-proof.”
The Ear Exam: “I hear a ringing.” “Is it your phone?” “No, it’s my conscience.” “I can’t treat that.”
The Knee: “You need a ‘Software Update’ for your ACL.”
The Surgeon 2: “I’m using a robotic arm.” “Will it be precise?” “As long as it doesn’t get a ‘Blue Screen of Death’.”
The Waiting Room 2: I’ve been here so long I’ve read the entire dictionary. The ‘Z’ section was a real cliffhanger.
The HMO Nurse: “Your surgery was denied because ‘Living’ is considered an elective procedure.”
The Transplant: “We have a kidney, but it’s from a 1999 model. It’s not ‘Plug-and-Play’ with 2003.”
The Bill: “Why is there a ‘Security Fee’?” “Because I had to look at your naked body. That’s a trauma for me.”
The Heart: “Your heart is skipping.” “Is it a ‘Glitch’?” “No, it’s a ‘Feature’.”
The Dentist: “You have a cavity.” “Can I pay for it in ‘Experience Points’?”
The HMO Gym: The only machine is a treadmill that moves backwards.
The Sleep Study: “You snore like a chainsaw.” “Is that bad?” “Only for the chainsaw’s reputation.”
The Blood Pressure: It spiked when the doctor told me he’s moving to an ‘All-Cash’ model.
The Mirror: “I look old.” “In 2003, we call that ‘Vintage’.”
The Referral: He sent me to a specialist who only takes appointments via ‘AOL Instant Messenger’.
The Emergency: “Is there a doctor here?” “I’m a Doctor of Music!” “Great, play something sad while this guy fades out.”
The Surgeon’s Hobby: “I collect antique stethoscopes.” “Can you use one on me?” “No, they’re too valuable for actual patients.”
The Pill Logic: “Take this pill with a glass of water and a prayer to the insurance gods.”
The Diet 2: “The ‘Atkins’ diet is great. I’ve lost 10 pounds and my ability to smile.”
The Surgeon’s Ego 2: “I’m a god in this room.” “And I’m the guy paying for your new Mercedes.”
The Pharmacy Wait: I’ve been here so long the ‘New’ drug is now being sold as ‘Classic’.
The Stress: “You’re stressed about the war.” “No, I’m stressed about the price of gas to get to this clinic.”
The Ear Exam 2: “I can’t hear out of my left ear.” “Stop listening to ‘Linkin Park’ at max volume.”
The Knee 2: “It hurts when I do this.” “Then stop doing that. $200, please.”
The Pager: My doctor’s pager finally died. He threw it in the trash like a 20th-century relic.
The Generic: “Is this generic?” “It’s so generic the bottle is just a crumpled napkin with ‘CURE’ written on it.”
The HMO Nurse 2: “We don’t cover ‘Common Sense’. It’s too rare.”
The Virus: “It’s a 2003 virus. It’s got a great marketing team.”
The Heart 2: “Your heart rate is 110.” “I just saw the bill!” “Oh, in that case, it should be higher.”
The Vitamin: “This vitamin is ‘Organic’.” “What does that mean?” “It means we found it in the woods.”
The Surgeon’s Fee 2: He asked for my ‘Limited Edition’ GameCube as a deposit.
The MRI: “Does this machine scan my memories?” “No, just your gallstones. Nobody wants your memories.”
The Prescription: “I can’t read this.” “It says ‘Go buy a gym membership’.”
The Final Word: “You’re all set.” “Will I live to see 2004?” “Check with your insurance provider. They have the calendar.”
The Lab Result: “You’re 90% caffeine and 10% ‘Out of Network’.”
The Specialist 2: “He’s the best.” “Why?” “He’s the only one who can find a vein on the first try.”
The Hospital Bed: “This bed is hard.” “It’s ‘Orthopedic’. That’s doctor-speak for ‘Cheap’.”
The Anesthesia 2: “I’m going under.” “See you in the next billing cycle!”
The Surgeon’s Hands 2: “Steady as a surgeon’s.” “Even after the fifth Red Bull?” “Especially then.”
The Exit: “See you next year!” “Not if my ‘Health-Plan’ sees you first!”
The Thermometer: “You have a fever.” “How high?” “High enough that I’m putting on gloves.”
The Surgeon’s Mask: “Why is it blue?” “To match the color your face will turn when you see the invoice.”
The Diagnosis 3: “You have ‘Broadband Neck’.” “From working?” “No, from watching cat videos on a 17-inch CRT.”
The HIPAA 2: “I can’t tell you your weight. It’s a HIPAA violation against your own ego.”
The End: “You’re cured!” “Really?” “Yes, the insurance check cleared. You’re officially healthy.”