47 Lawyer Jokes: The 2009 “Uber Disruption & App Store Anarchy” Edition

In 2009, “disruption” became the favorite word of people who didn’t want to follow the law, and “litigation” became the favorite word of the lawyers who chased them. It was the year of the iPhone 3GS (faster billing!), the launch of Windows 7 (which was actually usable), and the realization that “there’s an app for that”—including apps to find out if your lawyer is overcharging you.

The 2009 Top 10: The “Shared Economy” Classics

1. The Uber Launch: Why did the lawyer love the new “Uber” app? Because it created a whole new category of “uninsured independent contractors” to sue after a fender bender.
2. The WhatsApp Debut: Why did the lawyer hate WhatsApp? Because he couldn’t charge a “telecommunications surcharge” for a message sent over free Wi-Fi.
3. The Michael Jackson Estate: Why did 500 lawyers attend the MJ memorial? To make sure that “Thriller” wasn’t the only thing with a long-lasting afterlife—they wanted the legal fees to last forever.
4. The Bitcoin Mining: Why did the lawyer start “mining” Bitcoin in 2009? He didn’t understand the code, but he understood that “undisclosed digital assets” are great for divorce settlements.
5. The Avatar Movie: Why did the lawyer love Avatar? Because he also spends his day in a giant blue room (the courtroom) pretending to be someone he’s not to get a big payout.
6. The Windows 7 Launch: Why did the lawyer upgrade to Windows 7? Because “Windows Vista” was starting to be used as evidence of “intentional professional incompetence.”
7. The FarmVille Craze: Why did the lawyer sue his neighbor over FarmVille? For “unauthorized harvesting of digital crops on a shared server.”
8. The Angry Birds Fever: Why did the lawyer represent the pigs? He argued that “slingshot-assisted structural damage” was a violation of porcine building codes.
9. The Hangover Movie: Why did the lawyer relate to The Hangover? Because he also wakes up every morning in a strange place, with a headache, trying to remember what he “signed” the night before.
10. The iPad Announcement (Late ’09 rumors): Why was the lawyer excited for a bigger iPhone? So his “fine print” could finally be seen by someone under the age of 80.

The Full 2009 Lawyer Archive (Selected Rows)

11. The App Store Policy: Why did the lawyer sue Apple? For “anticompetitive behavior” in his own living room.
12. The Kindle DX: Why did the lawyer buy the large-screen Kindle? So he could read 200-page depositions while pretending to be an “intellectual” on the subway.
13. The Unmanned Drone: Why was the lawyer happy about drone technology? Because “Ambulance Chasing” is much easier with a bird’s-eye view.
14. The Twitter Growth: Why did the lawyer hire a “Social Media Manager”? To make sure his 140-character insults were “legally defensible.”
15. The Slumdog Millionaire Oscar: Why did the lawyer cry? Because he realized a kid in a game show made more in one night than he did in a year of “billable hours.”
16. The Cloud Computing: What is a lawyer’s definition of “The Cloud”? A place where documents go so they can be “lost” during a subpoena request.
17. The Fitbit Launch: Why did the lawyer wear a Fitbit? To track how many miles he walked back and forth while “pacing dramatically” in court.
18. The Glee Phenomenon: Why did the lawyer represent the Glee club? For “unauthorized public performance of songs without a 50-page licensing rider.”
19. The Jury Selection: Why did the lawyer reject the tech blogger? He didn’t want anyone on the jury who knew that “terms of service” are actually optional.
20. The Technicality: Why did the lawyer sue the “New Year”? For failing to provide a “resolution” to his pending cases.
21. The Office Coffee: Why did the lawyer sue the Keurig? For “failing to provide a billable-grade caffeine experience.”
22. The Up Movie: Why did the lawyer represent the old man? To file a “wrongful flight” suit against the balloon manufacturer.
23. The Coffee Price: Why did the lawyer sue the $6 latte? He argued it was a “predatory pricing strategy” targeting the overworked.
24. The Retainer Fee: Why did the lawyer call it a “Disruption Retainer”? To cover the costs of figuring out why his client’s “illegal taxi service” was getting shut down.
25. The Lab Rat (09 Edition): Why did scientists use lawyers for a “Multi-tasking” study? Because they could text on WhatsApp, bill a client, and lie to a judge simultaneously.
26. The Speeding Ticket: Why did the lawyer argue that the speed camera was “unconstitutional”? Because it “failed to offer him a chance to cross-examine the lens.”
27. The Inheritance: Why did the lawyer bring a iPad (pre-order) to the funeral? To show the family he was “future-ready” for their money.
28. The Divorce Settlement: Why did the lawyer get the Netflix DVD-by-mail queue? Because he proved he was the only one who appreciated “classic litigation dramas.”
29. The Mirror: Why did the lawyer buy a “Smart Mirror”? So it could tell him his billable rate while he brushed his teeth.
30. The Small Print: Why did the lawyer use “Twitter Blue” font? He wanted the client to think the bill was “verified” and unchangeable.
31. The Power Move: Why did the lawyer have three different smartphones? One for work, one for “disruption,” and one for “emergency exit strategies.”
32. The Final Summary: Why did the lawyer want to be buried with a Wi-Fi hotspot? So he could “cloud-source” his defense in the afterlife.
33. The Hourly Rate: Why did the lawyer charge for the time he spent waiting for a YouTube video to buffer? “Digital assets latency analysis.”
34. The Internship: Why was the intern sad? He was told he’d be “disrupting the industry,” which meant he was hand-delivering subpoenas to Uber drivers.
35. The Evidence: Why did the lawyer bring a “Palm Pre” to court? To prove that being “first” doesn’t mean you won’t be “sued into oblivion.”
36. The Negotiation: Why did the lawyer bring a “Stress Ball” shaped like a dollar sign? To remind everyone what was actually at stake.
37. The Tech Support: What did the lawyer say to the IT guy? “Can you make my emails self-destruct after the client reads the bill?”
38. The 2009 Legacy: What’s the most 2009 thing a lawyer did? He billed a client for “Time spent explaining why ‘LOL’ in an email is a legally binding admission of guilt.”
39. The Closing Argument: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To serve a subpoena to the chicken’s “Startup Accelerator.”
40. The Professional Ego: Why does a lawyer never use “Bing”? Because he refuses to “Search” when he can “Subpoena.”
41. The Witness Stand: Why did the lawyer bring a “GPS” to court? To show the witness exactly where they “deviated from the truth.”
42. The Library: Why did the lawyer sue the library? For having “Free Internet” that devalued his “Billable Online Research.”
43. The Graduation: What do you call a lawyer who specialized in “MySpace Defamation” in 2009? “A very confused person.”
44. The Final Word: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To bill the chicken for “pedestrian right-of-way litigation.”
45. The Paranormal Activity Suit: Why did the lawyer sue the ghost? For “unauthorized occupancy and failure to pay property taxes.”
46. The Foursquare Check-in: Why did the lawyer love Foursquare? Because he could see exactly which bar his “sick” client was checking into.
47. The 2009 Verdict: Why do lawyers love 2009? Because in a world of “apps,” everyone is just one “Update” away from a lawsuit.