41 Hollywood & Acting Jokes: The 2019 “Endgame, Stairs Dancing & Peach Parasites” Edition

In 2019, Hollywood was all about the “Checkmate.” It was the year we learned that a three-hour superhero movie could make three billion dollars, that a rich family is only as safe as their basement is empty, and that a knife-wielding detective story is better if everyone is wearing a cable-knit sweater. If you weren’t busy crying “I love you 3000,” you were probably wondering why the cats in the Cats movie had human teeth and breasts.

The 2019 Industry Top 10: “Snaps, Stairs & Peaches”

1. The Avengers: Endgame “Portals”: Why did everyone cheer in the dark? Because after a year of being dust, every hero in the universe returned through a glowing circle just so Captain America could finally say two words he’d been holding back since 2011.
2. The Joker’s Dance: Why were the stairs so crowded? Because Joaquin Phoenix proved that the best way to show a descent into madness is a slow, rhythmic dance in a red suit while the internet tries to figure out if you’re a victim or a villain.
3. The Parasite “Ram-don”: Why was the basement so scary? Because Bong Joon-ho proved that the most dangerous thing in a house isn’t a ghost—it’s a family that’s smarter than you, hidden under your floorboards and obsessed with expensive noodles.
4. The Knives Out Sweater: Why was Chris Evans so cozy? Because after a decade of wearing vibranium shields and tight spandex, he just wanted to sit in a mansion, eat cookies, and tell everyone to “eat s***” while wearing the world’s most famous cream-colored sweater.
5. The Once Upon a Time in Hollywood Feet: Why was Brad Pitt on a roof? Because Quentin Tarantino decided that 1969 was 10% history, 40% Brad Pitt’s charisma, and 50% high-definition shots of actors’ bare feet.
6. The Cats Nightmare: Why the “Digital Fur Technology”? For a movie that proved that just because you can turn Judi Dench and Idris Elba into human-cat hybrids with CGI, it definitely doesn’t mean you should.
7. The Marriage Story Fight: Why the punching of the wall? For a movie that reminded everyone that divorce is just two hours of Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson being incredibly talented at yelling at each other in an empty apartment.
8. The Irishman De-aging: Why did Robert De Niro look so smooth? Because Martin Scorsese spent $160 million to make a 76-year-old look 30, even if he still moved like a man who really needed a comfortable chair.
9. The Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker “Somehow”: Why did Palpatine return? Because “somehow” is the most powerful word in Hollywood when you have a trilogies-ending deadline and no more ideas.
10. The 1917 One-Shot: Why was he running? Because Sam Mendes realized that the only way to make a war movie more stressful was to make it look like the cameraman was personally chasing a soldier through a trench for two hours without blinking.

The Full 2019 Acting & Industry Archive

11. The Midsommar Flower Crown: Why the sun? For proving that a breakup is much worse if it happens in Sweden during a 24-hour daylight festival involving a bear suit and a lot of tea.
12. The Uncut Gems Anxiety: Why Adam Sandler? For a movie so tense that the audience’s collective heart rate didn’t return to normal until roughly three weeks after leaving the theater.
13. The John Wick: Chapter 3 Horses: Why the library? For proving that Keanu Reeves can kill a giant with a book and then have a high-speed horse-vs-motorcycle chase through Brooklyn without breaking character.
14. The Little Women “I’m so lonely”: Why Saoirse Ronan? For proving that Jo March is a 21st-century icon trapped in the 19th century, mostly just wanting to write books and be angry at Timothée Chalamet.
15. The Rocketman Glitter: Why Taron Egerton? For a musical that proved you can tell a life story with feathers, drugs, and Elton John songs, and it’s actually much better than a “standard” biopic.
16. The Captain Marvel 90s: Why the Blockbuster Video? For a superhero origin story that reminded us that in 1995, the most advanced technology on Earth was a pager and a slow-loading CD-ROM.
17. The Jojo Rabbit Imaginary Friend: Why Taika Waititi? For a movie that proved you can make a satire about WWII as long as the director plays a very silly, imaginary version of the world’s worst dictator.
18. The Us Scissors: Why the jumpsuits? For a horror movie that made everyone terrified of their own reflection and very suspicious of any amusement park with a hall of mirrors.
19. The Ford v Ferrari Engines: Why the noise? For a movie that proved that two men sitting in a metal box moving at 200 mph is the ultimate form of male bonding.
20. The Lighthouse “HARK!”: Why Willem Dafoe? For a movie where two guys go crazy on an island, proving that if you’re stuck with Robert Pattinson, you’re eventually going to have a very long argument about a lobster.
21. The Lion King Remake: Why the realism? For a movie that looked so much like a nature documentary that the lions forgot they were supposed to have facial expressions while singing “Hakuna Matata.”
22. The Aladdin “Blue Will Smith”: Why the lamp? For a remake that proved that even if you’re a giant CGI genie, you can still have a “Fresh Prince” attitude and a catchy dance number.
23. The Booksmart Night: Why the dolls? For a high school comedy that proved that being “too smart” just means you have to fit four years of partying into one legendary night.
24. The Shazam! Kid-body: Why Zachary Levi? For proving that being a superhero is actually a lot of fun if you’re secretly a 14-year-old who just wants to buy beer and test your lightning powers.
25. The Terminator: Dark Fate: Why Linda Hamilton? For a sequel that proved that no matter how many times you change the future, Arnold and Linda are the only ones who can actually save it.
26. The Ad Astra Silence: Why Brad Pitt in space? For another movie where Brad Pitt goes to another planet to look for his dad and realize that he’s very, very lonely.
27. The Hustlers Pole: Why Jennifer Lopez? For a movie that proved that “Wall Street” isn’t the only place where people know how to steal money and look great doing it.
28. The Yesterday Beatles: Why the amnesia? For a movie that asked: “What if nobody remembered the Beatles?” and the answer was: “Ed Sheeran would be even more famous.”
29. The It Chapter Two Age: Why the kids? For a sequel that proved that even if you grow up to be Bill Hader and James McAvoy, you’re still terrified of a clown in a sewer.
30. The Richard Jewell Heroism: Why the backpack? For a Clint Eastwood movie that reminded us that the media can turn a hero into a villain in exactly 24 hours.
31. The Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw: Why the foreheads? For a spin-off that proved the Rock and Jason Statham have so much testosterone they can literally stop a helicopter with a chain and a bicep flex.
32. The Maleficent: Mistress of Evil: Why the horns? For proving that Angelina Jolie’s cheekbones are still the sharpest things in the Disney universe.
33. The Dolemite Is My Name: Why Eddie Murphy? For a comeback that reminded us that Eddie is the king of playing people who refuse to take “no” for an answer.
34. The Doctor Sleep Hat: Why Ewan McGregor? For a sequel to The Shining that managed to be respectful to the book and the movie while making us all afraid of “The True Knot.”
35. The Frozen II “Into the Unknown”: Why the voice? For a sequel that proved Elsa is the only person who can have a mid-life crisis that results in a multi-platinum soundtrack and a new dress.
36. The Glass Ending: Why the puddle? For an M. Night Shyamalan sequel that spent 19 years building a universe just to end it in a very controversial parking lot.
37. The Jumanji: The Next Level: Why Danny DeVito? For a sequel that proved that the only thing funnier than the Rock is the Rock pretending to be a 75-year-old man from New Jersey.
38. The Two Popes: Why the pizza? For proving that the Catholic Church is just two hours of Anthony Hopkins and Jonathan Pryce having a very polite theological debate over Fanta.
39. The Good Boys “Sex Toy”: Why the kids? For a comedy that proved that 12-year-olds in 2019 have no idea what “personal items” are, but they are very good at accidentally destroying them.
40. The Bombshell Hair: Why the news? For a movie where Charlize Theron wore so much makeup to look like Megyn Kelly that her own mother probably didn’t recognize her.
41. The 2019 Final Industry Vibe: Why a milestone? Because it was the grand finale of the “Streaming Wars” prelude, the year the “One Billion Dollar” club became a crowded house, and the last year we all sat in a packed theater without thinking about hand sanitizer.