39 Hollywood & Acting Jokes: The 1998 “Double Asteroids, Saving Private Ryan & The Truman Show” Edition

In 1998, Hollywood decided that the Earth was far too safe, so they sent two different asteroids to destroy us. It was the year every actor had to learn how to look heroically at a green screen, how to storm a beach in Normandy, or how to act like they didn’t know they were being filmed by 5,000 hidden cameras. If you weren’t wearing a space suit or a dirty army uniform, you were probably busy being a Shakespearean actor in love.

The 1998 Industry Top 10: “Space Cowboys, War Zones & Reality Checks”

1. The Armageddon Logic: Why did NASA train oil drillers to be astronauts instead of training astronauts to drill? Because Ben Affleck asked that question and Michael Bay told him to shut up and look cool in front of a giant explosion.
2. The Saving Private Ryan Shake: Why was the beginning of the movie so blurry? Because Steven Spielberg wanted the audience to feel the chaos of war, and also to make sure we couldn’t see how much the actors were actually crying.
3. The Godzilla Slogan: Why did they say “Size Does Matter”? To distract us from the fact that the most famous monster in cinema history had been redesigned to look like a very large, very confused iguana.
4. The Truman Show Paranoia: Why did everyone in 1998 start staring at their bathroom mirrors? Because Jim Carrey made us all believe that our boring lives were actually being sponsored by a brand of mockolate.
5. The Deep Impact Depression: Why was it the “other” asteroid movie? Because while Armageddon had Aerosmith and explosions, Deep Impact had Elijah Wood on a mountain and a lot of people talking about their feelings while waiting to die.
6. The Shakespeare in Love Upset: Why was Harvey Weinstein the most feared man in town? Because he managed to convince the Academy that a guy in tights writing poetry was more “Best Picture” material than the most realistic war movie ever made.
7. The Big Lebowski Zen: Why did Jeff Bridges stop caring? Because he realized that as long as he had a bathrobe, a White Russian, and a rug that tied the room together, he didn’t need an Oscar.
8. The Blade Rebirth: Why Wesley Snipes? Because he proved that Marvel movies could actually be cool, dark, and profitable, as long as the lead actor never blinked and wore a lot of leather.
9. The Parent Trap Identity: Why was Lindsay Lohan a miracle? For convincing an entire generation that she actually had a British twin, making it the most successful use of “doubling” until we realized it was just great editing and a lot of freckles.
10. The Rush Hour Chemistry: Why Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker? For proving that you don’t need a translated script if one guy can do a 360-kick and the other guy can scream “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!”

The Full 1998 Acting & Industry Archive

11. The There’s Something About Mary “Hair Gel”: Why Cameron Diaz? For a scene so iconic it made every person in 1998 terrified of what their date might have on their ear.
12. The Fear and Loathing Intensity: Why Johnny Depp? For a performance so committed to psychedelics that we’re still not sure if he ever actually came down from that trip.
13. The Mulan Dishonor: Why the dragon? For proving that Eddie Murphy could voice any animal (or mythical creature) and still steal the movie from the actual protagonist.
14. The Enemy of the State Privacy: Why Will Smith? For making us all cover our webcams with tape before webcams were even a standard feature.
15. The Wedding Singer Nostalgia: Why Adam Sandler? For proving that the 80s were officially “retro” enough to be funny, and that Drew Barrymore is the only person who can make him look like a romantic lead.
16. The Mask of Zorro Charisma: Why Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones? For a movie so attractive it made everyone in 1998 want to take up sword fighting and laundry-room dancing.
17. The Pleasantville Color: Why the transition? For a movie that taught us that life is better in color, but acting is much harder when you have to pretend you’ve never seen a red apple before.
18. The Dr. Dolittle Chatter: Why the animals? For a film that proved Eddie Murphy’s true co-stars in the late 90s were either himself or a menagerie of CGI-assisted pets.
19. The X-Files Movie: Why the bee? For a feature film that promised answers to a five-year mystery but mostly just delivered Mulder and Scully almost kissing in a hallway.
20. The American History X Transformation: Why Edward Norton? For a performance so intense it made people forget he was the stuttering kid from Primal Fear two years earlier.
21. The Prince of Egypt Scale: Why the parting of the sea? For a DreamWorks animation that was so epic it made Disney’s A Bug’s Life look like… well, a movie about bugs.
22. The Antz vs. A Bug’s Life War: Why the tiny rivalry? For the year Hollywood decided we needed two movies about the complex social hierarchies of insects.
23. The Waterboy Screech: Why the “H2O”? For proving that Adam Sandler could make $160 million just by making a weird noise and tackling people.
24. The Practical Magic Chemistry: Why Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman? For proving that if you’re a witch, your biggest problem isn’t a curse—it’s a bad boyfriend and a lot of tequila.
25. The Rounders Poker Face: Why Matt Damon? For making every college student in 1998 think they could pay their tuition by playing Texas Hold ’em against a guy with a Russian accent.
26. The Faculty High School: Why the aliens? For a movie that confirmed every teenager’s suspicion that their teachers are actually parasites from outer space.
27. The Lethal Weapon 4 Age: Why the “Too old for this”? For a sequel that introduced Jet Li just to show that Mel Gibson and Danny Glover were now officially slower than a Hong Kong action star.
28. The Psycho Remake: Why the shot-for-shot? For proving that just because you can remake a Hitchcock classic exactly the same way, doesn’t mean you should—especially with Vince Vaughn in the shower.
29. The Patch Adams Red Nose: Why Robin Williams? For a movie that tried to cure cancer with laughter but mostly just made critics wish they had a sedative.
30. The Thin Red Line Philosophy: Why the grass? For a Terrence Malick war movie so poetic that half the A-list cast (including George Clooney) ended up being edited down to a five-second cameo.
31. The Halloween H20: Why Jamie Lee Curtis? For proving that you can outrun a masked killer for 20 years and still look great in a pixie cut.
32. The Dark City Visuals: Why the floating buildings? For a movie that was The Matrix before The Matrix, but with more trench coats and less kung-fu.
33. The Horse Whisperer Length: Why Robert Redford? For a movie so slow and scenic that by the time the horse was cured, the audience had already graduated college.
34. The Man in the Iron Mask Hair: Why Leonardo DiCaprio? For proving that even with a giant metal bucket on his head, he was still the most bankable face in Hollywood.
35. The Meet Joe Black Stare: Why Brad Pitt? For a three-hour movie about Death taking a holiday that mostly involved Brad Pitt eating peanut butter and looking confused.
36. The Urban Legend Coat: Why Jared Leto? For a movie that made us all check the backseat of our cars for a guy with an axe, just in case.
37. The Velvet Goldmine Glitter: Why Ewan McGregor and Christian Bale? For proving that the 70s were even weirder than the 90s, especially if you had enough blue eyeshadow.
38. The Stepmom Tears: Why Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon? For a movie designed in a lab to make every woman in America cry for two hours straight.
39. The 1998 Final Industry Vibe: Why a turning point? Because it was the last year before The Matrix changed action forever, the year the “Indie” Oscar win became a political scandal, and the year we realized Michael Bay wasn’t going away.