36 Hollywood & Acting Jokes: The 2012 “Assemble, Skyfalls & Mush-Mouth Bane” Edition

In 2012, Hollywood was all about the “Payoff.” It was the year we learned that six superheroes are better than one, that James Bond actually has a childhood home, and that a teddy bear can be your worst influence. If you weren’t busy trying to understand what Tom Hardy was saying behind that mask, you were probably wondering why everyone in Revolutionary France was singing live on camera while crying their eyes out.

The 2012 Industry Top 10: “Shawarma, Masks & Magic Mikes”

1. The Avengers Shawarma: Why was the world saved? Because Marvel proved that after fighting an alien invasion, the mightiest heroes on Earth just want to sit in a wrecked deli and eat Middle Eastern food in total silence for two minutes.
2. The Dark Knight Rises Voice: Why was Bane so confusing? Because Christopher Nolan decided that the ultimate villain should sound like a posh British aristocrat speaking through a high-tech vacuum cleaner attachment.
3. The Skyfall Rebirth: Why was Bond so moody? Because Adele started singing, and suddenly 007 realized that being a spy means dealing with mommy issues, old houses in Scotland, and Javier Bardem touching your knee.
4. The Hunger Games Braids: Why was Jennifer Lawrence the queen of 2012? For proving that a teenage girl with a bow and arrow is more dangerous than an entire dystopian government, as long as she has a “volunteer” spirit.
5. The Les Misérables Live Singing: Why were the close-ups so intense? Because Tom Hooper wanted to make sure you could see every single atom of Anne Hathaway’s vocal cords while she wept for her lost dreams.
6. The Hobbit’s 48 FPS: Why did it look like a soap opera? Because Peter Jackson decided that seeing every pore on a goblin’s face was more important than the movie actually looking like a movie.
7. The Magic Mike Surprise: Why was the theater so loud? Because Channing Tatum and Matthew McConaughey proved that a movie about male strippers is 10% plot and 90% “reasons to go to the gym tomorrow.”
8. The Django Unchained “D” is Silent: Why was Leonardo DiCaprio so bloody? For a scene where he accidentally cut his hand on real glass and just kept acting, proving that “Method” means never having to say “Ouch” until the cameras stop.
9. The Ted Foul-mouth: Why the teddy bear? For proving that if a toy comes to life, he’s not going to be your magical friend—he’s going to sit on your couch, smoke, and ruin your relationship with Mila Kunis.
10. The Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Why the CGI baby? For the final chapter of the saga that gave us a digital infant so terrifying it made the actual vampires look like normal, healthy people.

The Full 2012 Acting & Industry Archive

11. The Life of Pi Boat: Why the tiger? For proving that a movie about a boy on a boat with a CGI cat can be a masterpiece, as long as the water looks pretty enough for 3D.
12. The Prometheus Mapping: Why the scientists? For a movie where the smartest people in the galaxy decided to touch alien snakes and run in straight lines away from falling spaceships.
13. The Silver Linings Playbook Dance: Why Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence? For proving that being “messed up” is much more romantic if you can nail a dance routine at a local competition.
14. The Lincoln Hat: Why Daniel Day-Lewis? For a performance so authentic that people actually expected him to abolish slavery again during his Oscar acceptance speech.
15. The Argo “Argo F* Yourself”:** Why Ben Affleck? For proving that the best way to rescue hostages is to pretend you’re making the worst sci-fi movie in Hollywood history.
16. The Brave Curls: Why the hair? For a Pixar movie where the main character’s hair had its own physics engine, which was more complicated than the actual plot about a bear.
17. The Wreck-It Ralph Nostalgia: Why the “Bad Anon”? For proving that villains are people too, especially if they have big hands and live inside an arcade cabinet.
18. The 21 Jump Street Chemistry: Why Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum? For a remake that had no right to be that funny, proving that “Korean Jesus” has no time for your problems.
19. The Looper Prosthetics: Why Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s face? For a movie that spent hours making him look like a young Bruce Willis, only for us to realize he just looked like a slightly “off” version of himself.
20. The Zero Dark Thirty Silence: Why the raid? For a movie that was 140 minutes of paperwork and 10 minutes of the most intense night-vision footage ever filmed.
21. The Pitch Perfect “Cups”: Why Anna Kendrick? For making every girl in 2012 think that a plastic cup is a legitimate musical instrument.
22. The Cabin in the Woods Twist: Why the coffee mug? For a horror movie that made fun of every other horror movie while proving that Chris Hemsworth can’t jump a motorcycle over a canyon.
23. The Flight Inversion: Why Denzel Washington? For proving that you can land a plane upside down while drunk, but you still have to talk to the NTSB afterwards.
24. The Seven Psychopaths: Why the dog? For a movie that proved that in 2012, Colin Farrell was at his best when surrounded by weirdos and a stolen Shih Tzu.
25. The Amazing Spider-Man Reboot: Why so soon? For a movie that proved we were ready to see Uncle Ben die again, as long as Andrew Garfield looked cool in a hoodie.
26. The Moonrise Kingdom Symmetry: Why Wes Anderson? For a movie where 12-year-olds are more mature than the entire adult cast, including a very sad Bruce Willis.
27. The Cloud Atlas Confusion: Why the many roles? For a movie where Tom Hanks played six different people, including a post-apocalyptic tribesman and a very angry Irish author.
28. The Jack Reacher Size: Why Tom Cruise? For proving that if you’re a 5-foot-7 action star, you can still play a 6-foot-5 book character as long as you stare at people intensely.
29. The Anna Karenina Stage: Why the theater? For a movie that took place entirely inside a literal theater, because Keira Knightley and “period drama” go together like tea and crumpets.
30. The Sinister Tapes: Why Ethan Hawke? For making everyone in 2012 terrified of their own attic and old Super 8 cameras.
31. The Hotel Transylvania: Why Adam Sandler? For a movie that proved that even Dracula has to deal with “overprotective dad” issues and a singing Andy Samberg.
32. The Expendables 2 Chuck Norris: Why the joke? For the moment the franchise became sentient and allowed Chuck Norris to tell a “Chuck Norris joke” in the middle of a war zone.
33. The Killing Them Softly Economics: Why Brad Pitt? For a mob movie that was secretly a 90-minute lecture on the 2008 financial crisis.
34. The Taken 2 Fences: Why the editing? For a sequel that had so many cuts during a scene of Liam Neeson climbing a fence that the audience got motion sickness.
35. The Men in Black 3 Time Travel: Why Josh Brolin? For a performance so perfect it made us wonder if he had actually been a young Tommy Lee Jones in a previous life.
36. The 2012 Final Industry Vibe: Why the “End of the World”? Because it was the year Hollywood realized that the “Universe” (Marvel) was the only thing that mattered, and that we were all just living in a 24-frame-per-second simulation.