34 Christmas Jokes: The 2006 “Wii-motes & High School Musical” Edition

In 2006, Christmas was a hazard to your living room furniture. We were all swinging plastic remotes like tennis pros, “tweeting” our first 140-character thoughts, and trying to figure out if we were more of a Troy or a Gabriella.

The 2006 Top 10: The “Wii-bowling & Planet Demotions”

1. The Nintendo Wii: Why did the Christmas tree fall over in 2006? Because Grandpa forgot to wear the wrist strap while playing Wii Bowling and launched the remote into the ornaments at 40 miles per hour.
2. Pluto’s Demotion: Why was the science kit under the tree so depressing? Because we had to explain to the kids that Pluto was no longer a planet, but a “dwarf,” making every “My Very Educated Mother” mnemonic obsolete.
3. High School Musical: Why was the whole family singing in the kitchen? Because Disney Channel convinced every kid that a basketball game and a chemistry lab are perfectly normal places for a synchronized dance number.
4. Twitter (Launch): Why was the tech-cousin’s holiday update so short? Because “twttr” launched, and he spent the day trying to fit his gratitude for a new sweater into exactly 140 characters.
5. The MacBook Pro: Why was the new laptop so “pro”? Because Apple added a magnetic power cord, finally preventing the “dog-tripping-over-the-wire” disaster that destroyed every laptop in 2005.
6. Borat: Why was the holiday dinner “Very Nice!”? Because every man in America spent the entire meal doing a bad Kazakh accent and asking for “cheese” in the most uncomfortable way possible.
7. The Da Vinci Code (Movie): Why was everyone looking for secret codes in the gingerbread house? Because Tom Cruise… wait, no, Tom Hanks… convinced us that everything from a napkin to a cathedral was a hidden message from the Priory of Sion.
8. Justin Timberlake – “SexyBack”: Why was the party so confident? Because JT officially brought “SexyBack,” even if Uncle Larry’s version of “sexy” was just wearing a clean flannel shirt.
9. Cars (Pixar): Why were the kids talking to the family minivan? Because Lightning McQueen convinced them that every vehicle has eyes on the windshield and a dream of winning the Piston Cup.
10. The Devil Wears Prada: Why was the gift exchange so judgmental? Because after watching Meryl Streep, Mom looked at your “cerulean” sweater and gave you a lecture on the entire history of the fashion industry.

The Full 2006 Christmas Archive (Highlights)

11. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest: Why did the kids want a jar of dirt? Because Jack Sparrow made a literal jar of soil the most coveted accessory of the 2006 holiday season.
12. The “Crocs” Takeover: Why did everyone’s feet look like Swiss cheese? Because 2006 was the year those foam clogs became a “fashion choice,” and every Dad got a pair in “Safety Orange.”
13. Pan’s Labyrinth: Why were the kids afraid of the dinner table? Because they thought the pale man with eyes in his hands was going to jump out from under the mashed potatoes.
14. Amy Winehouse – “Rehab”: Why did Grandma refuse the second glass of sherry? She just looked at the bottle, shook her head, and said, “No, no, no.”
15. The Blu-ray vs. HD-DVD War: Why was the movie choice so stressful? Because you had to pick a side in the high-def war, and choosing HD-DVD was like betting on a reindeer with three legs.
16. Casino Royale: Why was the card game so serious? Because Daniel Craig made being James Bond “gritty” again, and suddenly a game of “Go Fish” required a tuxedo and an ego.
17. The Departed: Why was everyone talking like they were from Boston? Because Martin Scorsese finally won an Oscar, and now every Dad thinks he’s a mole for the Irish mob.
18. Gears of War: Why was the basement so “chainsaw-heavy”? Because the Xbox 360 finally got its killer app, and “active reloading” became a more important skill than carving the turkey.
19. Fergie – “London Bridge”: Why was the holiday so “regal”? Because every time someone walked into the room, the kids shouted “Oh snap!” and started singing about the bridge falling down.
20. Talledega Nights: Why did the kids say grace to “Baby Jesus”? Because Ricky Bobby convinced them that the “eight pound, six ounce, newborn infant Jesus” is the only version that listens to prayers about fast cars.
21. The “Dick in a Box” SNL Short: Why were the adults laughing so hard at the wrapping station? Because Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg created the ultimate (and most inappropriate) holiday gift guide.
22. 300 (Trailer Hype): Why was the gym membership the most popular gift? Because the trailer for 300 came out, and every man in the suburbs wanted “abs” that looked like they were painted on by a CGI artist.
23. Snakes on a Plane: Why was the flight to Florida so tense? Because Samuel L. Jackson made us all suspicious that the overhead compartment was hiding more than just a carry-on bag.
24. Little Miss Sunshine: Why was the family road trip so chaotic? Because we all realized our family was just as “functional” as a group of people driving a yellow VW bus to a child beauty pageant.
25. The iPod Shuffle (Clip): Why did everyone lose their music? Because the new iPod was so small you could accidentally clip it to the inside of the trash bag while cleaning up the wrapping paper.
26. The Black Parade (My Chemical Romance): Why was the teenager wearing so much black lace? Because Gerard Way made “joining the black parade” the only valid emotional response to the holiday season.
27. Ugly Betty: Why was the “ugly sweater” trend officially born? Because Betty Suarez made us realize that wearing a poncho and braces was actually a symbol of inner strength.
28. The PlayStation 3 Launch: Why was the gift so expensive? Because the PS3 launched at $599, making it the first console that required a second mortgage to play Ridge Racer.
29. Happy Feet: Why was the dog trying to tap dance? Because the movie about dancing penguins convinced everyone that “rhythm” is a biological requirement for survival.
30. The “LonelyGirl15” Hoax: Why was everyone so skeptical of the webcam? Because we all learned that the “innocent vlogger” was actually an actress, and the internet officially lost its innocence.
31. Heroes: Why was the niece trying to walk through walls? Because “Save the Cheerleader, Save the World” was the only mission that mattered in the fall of 2006.
32. The “Secret” (Book): Why was Mom staring at a picture of a new car? Because the book told her that if she “manifested” it hard enough, the universe would provide it (the universe, in this case, being Dad).
33. Beyoncé – “Irreplaceable”: Why were all the boxes moved “to the left”? Because Queen B told us that everything we own—including the holiday leftovers—belongs in a box to the left.
34. The Final 2006 Vibe: Why was everyone so “engaged”? Because we were all “You” (Time Magazine’s Person of the Year), and we spent the night watching our own reflections in our new flat-screen TVs.