48 Lawyer Jokes: The 2010 “iPad & The Social Network” Edition

In 2010, the legal world went “Retina Display.” Lawyers stopped carrying legal pads and started carrying iPads, realizing that a digital signature is much harder to forge but much easier to bill for. It was the year of the “Like” button becoming a legal minefield, the rise of Pinterest (copyright lawsuits waiting to happen), and the era when “I’ll see you in court” was replaced by “I’ll see you on your leaked Facebook messages.”

The 2010 Top 10: The “App-Store Tablet” Classics

1. The iPad Launch: Why did the lawyer buy an iPad on day one? Because he needed a bigger surface to swipe “Yes” on his 15% rate increase.
2. The Instagram Filter: Why did the lawyer love Instagram? Because it allowed him to make his client’s “shady past” look like a “vintage professional journey” using the Valencia filter.
3. The Social Network Movie: Why did the lawyer enjoy the movie? He spent two hours trying to decide who to sue first: the guy who stole the idea, the guy who stole the company, or the guy who wrote the screenplay.
4. The Deepwater Horizon Suit: Why was 2010 a “splash” for environmental lawyers? Because there’s no business like “oil-spill business” for 10-year billable cycles.
5. The Angry Birds HD: Why did the lawyer play Angry Birds on his iPad during a trial? He told the judge he was “simulating the trajectory of a projectile-based assault case.”
6. The Pinterest Copyright: Why did the intellectual property lawyer join Pinterest? To “pin” every single copyright violation he could find and send a “cease and desist” for each one.
7. The Siri Rumors (early tech): What was a lawyer’s first question for a virtual assistant? “Siri, how do I hide a conflict of interest in a 600-page merger?”
8. The Inception Defense: Why did the lawyer represent the “dream thieves”? He argued that a crime committed inside a dream is “subjective hearsay” and lacks physical jurisdiction.
9. The Kickstarter Launch: Why did the lawyer love Kickstarter? It was the first time people raised money for projects specifically so they could afford to sue the people who didn’t deliver.
10. The iPad Case: Why did the lawyer buy a $200 leather iPad case? To match the skin of his most frequent defendants.

The Full 2010 Lawyer Archive (Selected Rows)

11. The FourSquare Check-In: Why did the lawyer sue his client? Because the client checked into “The Beach” while his “Personal Injury” case claimed he was bedridden.
12. The Cloud Storage: Why did the lawyer move his files to the cloud? So he could tell the judge his evidence was “currently in a state of atmospheric flux.”
13. The MacBook Air (New Gen): Why did the lawyer love the thin laptop? Because it was the only thing in his life that was “lightweight” besides his conscience.
14. The Walking Dead Premiere: Why did the lawyer represent the zombies? He argued that “Post-life status” does not terminate the right to a fair trial and fresh brains.
15. The WikiLeaks Scandal: Why were government lawyers busy in 2010? They were trying to figure out if you can sue a “leaked document” for defamation of a secret.
16. The Groupon Fever: Why did the lawyer offer a “50% off your first divorce” Groupon? Because “Half-off” usually means “Double-billed later.”
17. The iPhone 4 “Antennagate”: Why did the lawyer sue Apple? For “breach of contract regarding the fundamental human right to hold a phone however you want.”
18. The Uber Growth: Why did the lawyer hate Uber in 2010? Because the “black car” drivers were too professional to get into the kind of accidents that pay for a new Lexus.
19. The Jury Selection: Why did the lawyer reject the “Influencer”? He didn’t want anyone on the jury who cared more about “lighting” than “litigation.”
20. The Technicality: Why did the lawyer sue the “Leap Year” (conceptually)? Because he missed fakturowanie that 366th day from 2008.
21. The Office K-Cup: Why did the lawyer sue the coffee machine? For “failing to provide a billable-grade aroma.”
22. The Toy Story 3 Suit: Why did the lawyer represent the toys? To sue the daycare for “unauthorized imprisonment of plastic entities.”
23. The Coffee Price: Why did the lawyer sue the $7 artisanal coffee? He claimed it was “price-gouging of a critical legal nutrient.”
24. The Retainer Fee: Why did the lawyer call it an “iPad Retainer”? Because just like the iPad, it gets replaced by a more expensive version every 12 months.
25. The Lab Rat (10 Edition): Why did scientists use lawyers for a “Multi-Touch” study? Because lawyers could swipe through a bank account faster than a lab rat could find the cheese.
26. The Speeding Ticket: Why did the lawyer tell the cop he was “digitally accelerating”? He claimed his car was merely a hardware extension of his high-speed internet.
27. The Inheritance: Why did the lawyer bring a tablet to the funeral? To “stream” the reading of the will to his offshore accounts.
28. The Divorce Settlement: Why did the lawyer get the Netflix “Instant Queue”? Because he proved he was the only one who actually “instantly” needed to watch The Good Wife.
29. The Mirror: Why did the lawyer buy a mirror with built-in LED lights? So he could see his “billable glow” even in the dark.
30. The Small Print: Why did the lawyer use “App Store Blue” font? To trick the client into clicking “Accept All Fees.”
31. The Power Move: Why did the lawyer carry two iPads? One for the law, and one to hide the fact that he was actually playing FarmVille.
32. The Final Summary: Why did the lawyer want to be buried with a stylus? Just in case the afterlife required a “digital waiver.”
33. The Hourly Rate: Why did the lawyer charge for the time he spent “updating his software”? “Digital infrastructure optimization and security briefing.”
34. The Internship: Why was the intern happy? He was told he was an “iAssociate,” which meant he had to clean the fingerprints off the partner’s iPad.
35. The Evidence: Why did the lawyer bring a “Kindle Fire” to court? To show the jury that the case against his client was “prone to overheating.”
36. The Negotiation: Why did the lawyer bring a “Selfie Stick” to the settlement? To make sure he was in every shot of the “victory photo.”
37. The Tech Support: What did the lawyer say to the IT guy? “Can you make my billing software compatible with my lack of remorse?”
38. The 2010 Legacy: What’s the most 2010 thing a lawyer did? He billed a client for “Time spent explaining why a ‘retina display’ doesn’t mean the judge can see into your soul.”
39. The Closing Argument: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To serve a subpoena to the chicken’s “Social Media Manager.”
40. The Professional Ego: Why does a lawyer never use “Google Docs”? Because he refuses to “collaborate” when he can “command.”
41. The Witness Stand: Why did the lawyer bring a “Green Screen” to court? To make the witness look like they were lying from a tropical beach.
42. The Library: Why did the lawyer sue the library? For offering “Free Wi-Fi” which he considered “unfair competition for his billable data plan.”
43. The Graduation: What do you call a lawyer who specialized in “Foursquare Defamation” in 2010? “A person who is now very good at Yelp reviews.”
44. The Final Word: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To bill the chicken for “Consultation on the other side’s zoning laws.”
45. The Black Swan Defense: Why did the lawyer represent the ballerina? He argued that “hallucinating a rival” is a standard workplace stressor in the legal field.
46. The Instagram Launch: Why did the lawyer sue Instagram? Because it didn’t have a “Billable Hour” filter.
47. The 2010 Verdict: Why do lawyers love 2010? Because “The App” changed everything, except the amount of money they take from you.
48. The Last Word: Why did the lawyer cross the road? Because the chicken’s check cleared.