46 Sports Jokes: The 2014 “Brazil’s Heartbreak & The German Machine” Edition

In 2014, sports were a mix of tropical tragedy and winter wonder. Brazil learned that home-field advantage doesn’t work against a German tank, LeBron went back home to fix a broken heart, and a guy named Odell Beckham Jr. caught a football with three fingers and changed the internet forever.

The 2014 Top 10: The “7-1 & LeBron’s Homecoming” Classics

1. The 7-1 “Mineirazo”: Why did the entire country of Brazil stop dancing? Because Germany scored five goals in 18 minutes during the World Cup semi-final, turning a national party into a national tragedy and making “7-1” the most forbidden number in South America.
2. LeBron’s “I’m Coming Home”: Why did Cleveland suddenly run out of fire extinguishers? Because everyone was busy un-burning their LeBron jerseys after he announced he was leaving Miami to return to the Cavaliers, proving that true love (and a better roster) wins in the end.
3. The Sochi Winter Olympics: Why was the fifth Olympic ring missing? Because the opening ceremony had a glitch, but Russia made up for it by spending $50 billion to prove that you can build a winter wonderland in a subtropical beach resort.
4. The Mario Götze Goal: Why was Argentina crying in the 113th minute? Because Götze scored the winner in the World Cup Final, making Germany the first European team to win in the Americas and proving that “The Machine” never breaks down.
5. The Odell Beckham Jr. Catch: Why did everyone’s phone crash on a Sunday night? Because OBJ caught a pass with one hand while falling backward, making gravity look like a suggestion and every other catch in NFL history look like a warm-up.
6. The San Antonio Spurs Redemption: Why was the air conditioning so important? Because after the “Cramp Game,” the Spurs dismantled the Heat in the Finals with a brand of passing so beautiful it officially ended the “Big Three” era in Miami.
7. The Luis Suarez “Bite”: Why was the Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini checking his shoulder? Because Suarez decided that the World Cup was a buffet, biting his opponent and earning a ban that lasted longer than most summer vacations.
8. The Seattle Seahawks’ Super Bowl Dominance: Why was Peyton Manning so confused? Because the “Legion of Boom” started the game with a safety and didn’t stop until they beat the Broncos 43-8, proving that defense still wins championships.
9. The San Francisco Giants “Parity”: Why was Madison Bumgarner not human? Because he pitched five innings of relief on two days’ rest to win Game 7 of the World Series, confirming that the Giants win titles every even-numbered year (2010, 2012, 2014).
10. The Derek Jeter Farewell: Why was the “Captain” tipping his cap? Because the greatest Yankee of his generation took a final lap around the MLB, ending his career with a walk-off hit in the Bronx that was scripted better than a Hollywood movie.

The Full 2014 Sports Jokes Archive

11. The Kevin Durant MVP Speech: Why was everyone crying in the NBA? Because KD called his mom “The Real MVP,” making every sports fan in America immediately call their parents to apologize for being ungrateful.
12. The Tim Howard “Things Tim Howard Could Save”: Why was the US goalkeeper a meme? Because he made 16 saves against Belgium, and the internet decided he could also save the dinosaurs, the Titanic, and Mufasa.
13. The Stan Wawrinka Australian Open: Why were the “Big Four” in shock? Because “Stan the Man” beat Nadal in the final, proving that a backhand from Switzerland can be just as deadly as a forehand from Spain.
14. The Rory McIlroy Summer: Why were the two trophies so heavy? Because Rory won the British Open and the PGA Championship back-to-back, making everyone wonder if the “Tiger Era” had finally been replaced by the “Rory Era.”
15. The Donald Sterling Ban: Why was the Clippers’ owner gone? Because he said things so bad that even the NBA’s new commissioner, Adam Silver, decided that “for life” meant exactly that.
16. The Brazil “Neymar” Mask: Why were the fans wearing his face? Because their star was out with a broken back, and the fans thought 200,000 masks would scare the Germans (spoiler: it didn’t).
17. The Sochi Stray Dogs: Why were the athletes adopting pets? Because the Olympic village had more stray dogs than gold medals, leading to the cutest “unofficial” sport in Olympic history.
18. The Clayton Kershaw MVP: Why was a pitcher winning everything? Because Kershaw was so dominant for the Dodgers that the hitters were considering just staying in the dugout to save time.
19. The Real Madrid “La Décima”: Why did it take 12 years? Because Real finally won their 10th Champions League title after Sergio Ramos scored a header in the 93rd minute to break Atletico’s hearts.
20. The Robin van Persie “Flying Dutchman”: Why was the ball in the net? Because RVP hit a diving header against Spain that looked like he was trying to fly to the moon, creating the best goal of the World Cup.
21. The Tiger Woods “Back” Problems: Why was the golf course so quiet? Because Tiger’s back gave out again, and for the first time, we started to realize that “Invincible Tiger” was becoming “Fragile Tiger.”
22. The Maria Sharapova French Open: Why was the clay so loud? Because Maria won her second title in Paris, proving that she had officially mastered the surface she once called a “cow on ice.”
23. The “Deflategate” Beginnings: Why were the footballs so squishy? Because the Patriots were accused of letting the air out of the balls in the playoffs, starting a legal battle that would last longer than some NFL careers.
24. The Manchester City Title: Why was Liverpool’s Steven Gerrard so sad? Because he slipped against Chelsea, handing the Premier League trophy to Man City on a silver platter.
25. The Lewis Hamilton vs. Nico Rosberg: Why was the Mercedes garage so tense? Because the two childhood friends were fighting for the F1 title, and by the end of the year, they weren’t even sharing the same air.
26. The Los Angeles Kings 0-3 Comeback: Why were the San Jose Sharks in therapy? Because the Kings came back from 3-0 down in the first round and went on to win the Stanley Cup.
27. The Michael Sam Draft: Why was the 7th round so historic? Because the Rams drafted the first openly gay player in NFL history, making the “St. Louis” jersey a symbol for change.
28. The James Rodriguez Breakthrough: Why did Real Madrid pay $80 million? Because James scored the goal of the tournament in Brazil and looked like the new poster boy for world soccer.
29. The Kobe Bryant Passing MJ: Why was the Lakers’ season still bad? Because Kobe became #3 on the all-time scoring list, but the team was losing so much that even the Mamba was starting to run out of patience.
30. The Marin Cilic US Open: Why was the final so “non-Big-Four”? Because Cilic beat Nishikori in a final that made the tennis world realize that the giants could actually be toppled.
31. The Johnny Manziel “Money” Sign: Why was Cleveland so hyped? Because “Johnny Football” arrived with a lot of swagger, but he soon realized that NFL defenses don’t care about your college highlights.
32. The Spain “Tiki-Taka” Death: Why was the defending champion out in the group stage? Because Holland and Chile ran them off the pitch, proving that passing the ball 1,000 times is useless if you don’t score.
33. The Bubba Watson Masters: Why was the hook-shot so famous? Because Bubba won his second Green Jacket, proving that “Bubba Golf” is the most entertaining way to play 18 holes.
34. The Dallas Cowboys “Catch or No Catch”: Why was Dez Bryant so mad? Because the refs ruled his catch in the playoffs wasn’t a catch, starting a five-year debate about what a “football move” actually is.
35. The Novak Djokovic Wimbledon: Why was he eating the grass? Because he beat Federer in a five-set classic and decided that the turf at Center Court tasted like victory.
36. The UFC 175 Ronda Rousey: Why did the fight last 16 seconds? Because Ronda realized that the faster she finished the fight, the sooner she could go get a sandwich.
37. The Floyd Mayweather vs. Marcos Maidana: Why was Floyd actually sweating? Because Maidana fought like a wild man, proving that “Money” could be pushed, even if he couldn’t be beaten.
38. The Seattle Sounders Supporter’s Shield: Why was the “Clink” so loud? Because Seattle won the regular season trophy and proved that soccer fans in the US can be just as crazy as the Europeans.
39. The Jimmie Johnson “Six-Pack” Over: Why was Kevin Harvick the champ? Because the new “Elimination” format in NASCAR proved that being the most consistent isn’t as important as winning the last race.
40. The Sochi Olympic Slopestyle: Why were there so many flips? Because snowboarding became the coolest thing on TV, and Sage Kotsenburg won gold with a trick called a “Holy Crail.”
41. The Grigor Dimitrov “Baby Fed”: Why was he the next big thing? Because he reached the Wimbledon semis and showed the world that he had the hair and the shots to be a star.
42. The Philadelphia 76ers “Process”: Why were they losing on purpose? Because Joel Embiid was hurt, and the fans were told to “Trust the Process,” even if the process involved losing by 40 points.
43. The Arsenal Trophy Drought Over: Why was the FA Cup so shiny? Because after 9 years of nothing, Arsène Wenger finally won a trophy and the fans stopped checking their watches.
44. The Mo’ne Davis World Series: Why was a girl striking out the boys? Because she pitched a shutout in the Little League World Series and became the biggest star in baseball for a week.
45. The Andrew Luck Comeback: Why was Indy “Lucky”? Because they came back from 28 points down to beat the Chiefs in the playoffs, the second-largest comeback in NFL history.
46. The Peyton Manning 509: Why was Brett Favre’s record gone? Because Peyton threw his 509th TD pass, and the Broncos celebrated with a game of “keep-away” that was funnier than most sitcoms.