53 Sports Jokes: The 2009 “Records & Redemption” Edition

In 2009, the laws of physics were officially suspended. Usain Bolt ran at a speed that shouldn’t be humanly possible, Roger Federer finally cried tears of joy in Paris, and the New Orleans Saints proved that destiny is a more powerful motivator than a defensive scheme.

The 2009 Top 10: The “Bolt, Federer & Brees” Classics

1. The Bolt 9.58: Why did the clock in Berlin look broken? Because Usain Bolt ran the 100m in 9.58 seconds, making the other world-class sprinters look like they were running through a giant bowl of mashed potatoes.
2. The Federer French Open: Why was the clay in Paris so happy? Because Roger Federer finally won the French Open, completed the Career Grand Slam, and tied Pete Sampras’s record all in one afternoon, proving that “nice guys” do finish first.
3. The New Orleans Saints’ Run: Why was the city of New Orleans so loud? Because Drew Brees and the Saints started the season 13-0 and marched toward a Super Bowl that felt like a love letter to a city that had survived the storm.
4. The Tiger Woods Scandal: Why were the golf clubs in the driveway? Because Tiger hit a fire hydrant on Thanksgiving night, starting a tabloid circus that proved even the most focused man in sports history could lose his way.
5. The Lakers’ Redemption: Why was Kobe Bryant finally satisfied? Because he won a championship without Shaq, proved he could lead the Lakers on his own, and celebrated by showing everyone that the “Mamba Mentality” was a real thing.
6. The Barcelona Sextuple: Why did Pep Guardiola need a bigger trophy room? Because Barcelona won all six trophies they played for in one year, playing a brand of soccer so perfect it felt like watching a 90-minute symphony.
7. The Federer-Roddick Wimbledon Final: Why was Andy Roddick so heartbroken? Because he held serve for 30 games in a row, only to lose 16-14 in the fifth set because Federer decided that his kingdom wasn’t ready for a new king.
8. The Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl XLIII: Why was Santonio Holmes the MVP? Because he caught a ball in the corner of the end zone with exactly half a toe on the grass, giving the Steelers their sixth ring and the Cardinals a lifetime of “what-ifs.”
9. The Brett Favre “Viking” Era: Why were people in Green Bay burning jerseys? Because the legendary QB joined their biggest rivals in Minnesota and played so well that the Packers fans didn’t know whether to cheer or cry.
10. The Jimmie Johnson Four-Peat: Why was NASCAR getting predictable? Because Jimmie won his fourth straight championship, making the “Chase for the Cup” look like a 36-week coronation ceremony.

The Full 2009 Sports Jokes Archive

11. The Manchester United to Real Madrid Transfer: Why did Real Madrid pay $130 million? Because they wanted Cristiano Ronaldo and his hair products to lead the second “Galacticos” era.
12. The New York Yankees’ 27th Title: Why was the Bronx so expensive? Because the Yankees spent half a billion dollars on free agents and it actually worked, bringing a World Series trophy to the new Yankee Stadium.
13. The Michael Jordan Hall of Fame Speech: Why was it so controversial? Because MJ used his induction to list everyone who ever made him mad, proving that he is the GOAT of holding grudges.
14. The UFC 100: Why was Brock Lesnar screaming at a camera? Because he defended his title in the biggest MMA event in history and celebrated by insulting the sponsors and the fans at the same time.
15. The Manny Pacquiao vs. Miguel Cotto: Why was Manny the “Pac-Man”? Because he ate up another weight class and won his seventh world title in seven different divisions.
16. The Serena Williams “Threat”: Why was the US Open line judge scared? Because Serena told her she’d “shove a ball down her throat,” proving that even the best in the world can have a really bad day at the office.
17. The Tour de France Alberto Contador: Why was the team meeting awkward? Because Contador and his teammate Lance Armstrong hated each other, and Alberto proved he was faster by winning the race while Lance watched from 3rd place.
18. The Detroit Red Wings vs. Pittsburgh Penguins: Why was Sidney Crosby so happy? Because the Penguins got revenge for 2008 and won the Stanley Cup in a Game 7 thriller.
19. The Tom Brady Return: Why was the knee so important? Because after missing almost all of 2008, Brady came back and threw 5 touchdowns in one quarter against the Titans just to say “I’m back.”
20. The Lionel Messi First Ballon d’Or: Why was he the “Little Genius”? Because he led Barca to the Treble and officially started the ten-year war with Ronaldo for the title of “Best Ever.”
21. The Stephen Curry Draft: Why did the Warriors take the “skinny kid”? Because they realized that “shooting from the parking lot” was going to be the next big trend in the NBA.
22. The “Bountygate” Origins: Why was the Saints’ defense so aggressive? Because they were allegedly getting paid extra to hit people hard, which was a great plan until the NFL found out.
23. The Kim Clijsters Comeback: Why was the “Mom” winning? Because she returned from retirement and won the US Open as a wildcard, proving that parenthood is the ultimate training camp.
24. The Mark Sanchez “Sanchise”: Why were the Jets fans so hopeful? Because a rookie QB led them to the AFC Championship, making everyone forget that he was still a rookie.
25. The Alex Rodriguez Admission: Why was the “A-Rod” so quiet? Because he admitted to using PEDs earlier in his career, making his quest for the home run record feel a lot more complicated.
26. The Manchester City “Tevez” Poster: Why was it “Welcome to Manchester”? Because City stole Carlos Tevez from United and put up a giant blue billboard just to annoy Sir Alex Ferguson.
27. The Andre Agassi “Crystal Meth” Reveal: Why was his autobiography Open a bestseller? Because he admitted he hated tennis and once wore a toupee, proving he was the most honest man in sports.
28. The Chicago Blackhawks Rise: Why was the “Madhouse on Madison” loud again? Because Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews were turning the team into a dynasty before they were even old enough to buy a beer.
29. The Blake Griffin #1 Pick: Why was the Clippers’ doctor worried? Because Griffin got hurt in the preseason and missed his entire rookie year, keeping the “Clippers Curse” alive and well.
30. The Thierry Henry “Hand of God”: Why was Ireland so angry? Because Henry used his hand to set up the goal that sent France to the World Cup, proving that “Fair Play” is just a suggestion in Paris.
31. The Tiger Woods Fire Hydrant: Why was a car crash world news? Because it was the first time we realized that Tiger’s “perfect life” was actually a very expensive movie set.
32. The Juan Martín del Potro US Open: Why was the “Giant” so emotional? Because he beat Federer in the final and ended Roger’s 5-year winning streak in New York.
33. The Indianapolis Colts 14-0: Why did they bench their starters? Because they wanted to stay healthy for the playoffs, throwing away a chance at a perfect season and making their fans very frustrated.
34. The Jenson Button F1 Title: Why was the “Brawn GP” a miracle? Because the team almost didn’t exist in March, and by October, they were world champions because their car had a “magic” diffuser.
35. The Cristiano Ronaldo Presentation: Why were there 80,000 people in a stadium for a guy in a suit? Because Real Madrid fans wanted to see if the $130 million man was actually real.
36. The NFL Overtime Rule Change Hype: Why were the Vikings complaining? Because they lost the NFC Championship without getting the ball in overtime, leading the NFL to rethink its “sudden death” policy.
37. The Floyd Mayweather vs. Juan Manuel Marquez: Why was Floyd so fresh? Because he came back from retirement and didn’t look like he’d missed a single day of being impossible to hit.
38. The Tim Tebow “Crying” Game: Why was the SEC Championship so dramatic? Because Alabama beat Florida, and the cameras caught the “Superman” of college football in tears.
39. The Phil Mickelson Masters Heartbreak: Why was he so distracted? Because both his wife and mother were battling cancer, making his golf season secondary to his family’s fight.
40. The MLB “Steroid List”: Why were there 103 names? Because the 2003 “anonymous” tests weren’t so anonymous, and David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez were suddenly in the headlines for the wrong reasons.
41. The Chris Paul Trade Rumors: Why was New Orleans nervous? Because the best point guard in the league was starting to look like he wanted a bigger stage.
42. The Ryder Cup Prep: Why was Europe getting ready? Because they were tired of losing and started planning a “Miracle at Medinah” years in advance.
43. The Michael Vick Return: Why did the Eagles sign him? Because they believed in second chances, and Vick proved he could still run faster than anyone on the field.
44. The Vancouver 2010 Countdown: Why were the Canadians nervous? Because the Winter Olympics were coming, and they were desperate to “Own the Podium.”
45. The Serena Williams “Fine”: Why was it $82,500? Because the US Open decided that threatening a line judge was the most expensive sentence in the history of tennis.
46. The Manny Ramirez “Female Fertility” Drug: Why was the MLB suspended? Because Manny took a banned substance and gave the most creative excuse in the history of “Oops.”
47. The Arizona Cardinals’ Retirement: Why was Kurt Warner leaving? Because he realized that his brain was more important than another Super Bowl run, ending one of the greatest “Cinderella” stories in NFL history.
48. The MLS Seattle Sounders Debut: Why was the crowd so big? Because 30,000 people showed up in neon green, proving that Seattle was the “Soccer Capital” of America.
49. The Ken Griffey Jr. “Nap” Incident: Why was the clubhouse laughing? Because a legend allegedly fell asleep during a game, proving that at 40, a 162-game season is just too long.
50. The Usain Bolt 200m: Why was 19.19 the new limit? Because he broke his own record again, proving that he wasn’t just racing people—he was racing the concept of time.
51. The Confederations Cup: Why was the USA in the final? Because they beat Spain’s 35-match winning streak, proving that for one day, anything was possible.
52. The “Music City Miracle” Anniversary: Why were we still talking about it? Because the Titans were still trying to figure out if that pass was forward or lateral.
53. The 2009 New Year’s Eve: Why were we ready for 2010? Because the Saints were heading to the Super Bowl, the World Cup was coming to Africa, and we wanted to see if Tiger would ever come back.