46 Lawyer Jokes: The 2013 “Vine Loops & Wall Street Wolves” Edition

In 2013, the legal world went viral. It was the year of “Selfie” being the word of the year (evidence was never easier to find), the rise of the “Harlem Shake” (law firm version: billing for the time spent dancing), and the era where a 6-second video on Vine could destroy a 20-year reputation.

The 2013 Top 10: The “Short-Form Content” Classics

1. The Vine Subpoena: Why did the lawyer love Vine? Because he could watch the entire “crime” on loop every 6 seconds and bill for a full hour of “comprehensive video analysis.”
2. The Wolf of Wall Street: Why did the lawyer enjoy the movie? He spent the whole time taking notes on how to charge a “Ferrari-sized” retainer without going to prison.
3. The GTA V Release: Why did the lawyer represent the protagonist in GTA V? He argued that “restarting the mission” was a valid form of double jeopardy protection.
4. The Selfie Evidence: Why did the lawyer love the word “Selfie”? Because it’s the only time a defendant takes a high-quality photo of the crime scene and tags the location for the prosecution.
5. The Harlem Shake: Why did the law firm do the Harlem Shake? Because it was the only way to charge a client for “team-building exercises” while wearing a Spiderman mask.
6. The Edward Snowden Leak: Why were government lawyers busy in 2013? They were trying to figure out if you can sue a “whistleblower” for breach of a “secret” NDA that technically doesn’t exist.
7. The Candy Crush Saga: Why did the lawyer reach Level 500? He said he was “practicing the art of breaking down complex structures” (and billing for the “strategic planning”).
8. The Frozen Defense: Why did the lawyer represent Elsa? He argued that “Let It Go” was a legally binding verbal release of all past liabilities.
9. The Netflix Binge: Why did the lawyer love “House of Cards”? Because Frank Underwood’s ethics made the lawyer feel like a literal saint.
10. The Smartwatch Launch: Why did the lawyer buy a smartwatch? So his wrist could vibrate every time a billable minute passed.

The Full 2013 Lawyer Archive (Selected Rows)

11. The Google Glass: Why did the lawyer wear Google Glass to court? To see the “Billable Rate” of everyone in the room floating above their heads.
12. The 23andMe Suit: Why did the lawyer sue the DNA kit? For “unauthorized disclosure of a client’s genetic predisposition to being sued.”
13. The Doge Meme: Why did the lawyer represent Doge? “Such lawsuit. Much billable. Wow. Very objection.”
14. The Tinder Gold: Why did the divorce lawyer buy a Tinder subscription? For “market research and lead generation.”
15. The Iron Man 3 Liability: Why did the lawyer sue Tony Stark? For “failing to provide an environmental impact study for 42 exploding suits.”
16. The BitCoin Peak: Why did the lawyer start accepting Bitcoin? Because he realized “volatile currency” is better than “no currency” from a bankrupt client.
17. The Man of Steel Defense: Why did the lawyer represent Superman? To sue the city of Metropolis for “failing to provide a Kryptonite-free workspace.”
18. The 4G LTE Expansion: Why was the lawyer happy? Because now he could “ambulance chase” in 1080p without any lag.
19. The Jury Selection: Why did the lawyer reject the YouTuber? He didn’t want anyone on the jury who expected a “Skip Ad” button during his opening statement.
20. The Technicality: Why did the lawyer sue the “Cloud”? For “unauthorized storage of his client’s guilty conscience.”
21. The Office Keurig 2.0: Why did the lawyer sue the coffee machine? Because it refused to brew “non-licensed” pods, which he called “anti-competitive caffeine distribution.”
22. The Breaking Bad Finale: Why did the lawyer cry? Because Saul Goodman was his only “ethical” role model.
23. The Coffee Price: Why did the lawyer sue the $10 cold brew? He argued that the “nitrogen infusion” was a non-billable gas.
24. The Retainer Fee: Why did the lawyer call it a “Vine Retainer”? Because just like the app, the money is gone in 6 seconds.
25. The Lab Rat (13 Edition): Why did scientists use lawyers for a “Social Media” study? Because the lawyers tried to “sue the algorithm” for not showing their invoices to more people.
26. The Speeding Ticket: Why did the lawyer argue with the dashcam? He claimed the “frame rate” was biased against his client’s luxury sedan.
27. The Inheritance: Why did the lawyer bring a selfie stick to the reading of the will? To capture the “emotional assets” of the family.
28. The Divorce Settlement: Why did the lawyer get the Netflix profile? Because he proved he was the only one who didn’t ruin the “Recommendations” with rom-coms.
29. The Mirror: Why did the lawyer use a “Retina Mirror”? To make sure his “objection face” was pixel-perfect.
30. The Small Print: Why did the lawyer use “Vine Green” font? To make the fees look “fresh and fleeting.”
31. The Power Move: Why did the lawyer have a smartwatch on both wrists? One for the billable hour, one for the billable second.
32. The Final Summary: Why did the lawyer want to be buried with a 6-second Vine of his best argument? So he could “loop in peace.”
33. The Hourly Rate: Why did the lawyer charge for the time he spent “thinking about a hashtag”? “Digital brand alignment and strategic communication.”
34. The Internship: Why was the intern sad? He was told he was a “Content Curator,” which meant he had to find the 6 seconds of a 10-hour video where the defendant looked guilty.
35. The Evidence: Why did the lawyer bring a “Windows Phone” to court? To prove that his client was a victim of “terrible life choices.”
36. The Negotiation: Why did the lawyer bring a “Twerk” video to the settlement? To show the other side that things could get “even more embarrassing” if they didn’t pay.
37. The Tech Support: What did the lawyer say to the IT guy? “Can you make my emails un-screenshot-able? My liability is too high for ‘Save to Photos’.”
38. The 2013 Legacy: What’s the most 2013 thing a lawyer did? He billed a client for “Time spent explaining why a ‘YOLO’ defense doesn’t work for grand theft auto.”
39. The Closing Argument: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To serve a subpoena to the chicken’s “Vine followers.”
40. The Professional Ego: Why does a lawyer never use “DuckDuckGo”? Because he wants Google to know exactly how much trouble he’s planning to cause.
41. The Witness Stand: Why did the lawyer bring a “GoPro” to court? To get a “first-person view” of the witness’s soul leaving their body.
42. The Library: Why did the lawyer sue the library? For having a “Free Wi-Fi” zone that didn’t charge a “legal access fee.”
43. The Graduation: What do you call a lawyer who specialized in “Vine Defamation”? “Unemployed by 2016.”
44. The Final Word: Why did the lawyer cross the road? To bill the chicken for “consultation on the other side’s lack of 6-second evidence.”
45. The Gravity Suit: Why did the lawyer represent Sandra Bullock? He argued that “Space” was a hostile work environment with a total lack of OSHA-compliant handrails.
46. The Last Word: Why did the lawyer cross the road? Because the chicken’s Vine went viral and he wanted 20% of the ad revenue.