39 Oscars Jokes: The 2001 “Gladiator, Julia’s Laugh & Björk’s Swan Dive” Edition

In 2001, the 73rd Academy Awards took us from the Roman Colosseum to the mountains of China, all while Steve Martin made us laugh from the safety of the Shrine Auditorium. It was the year Russell Crowe became a “commander,” Julia Roberts became a “queen,” and Björk became a “waterfowl.”

The 2001 Red Carpet Top 10: “Swans & Sandals”

1. The Björk Swan Dress: Why did Björk wear a swan to the Oscars? Because she wanted to make sure that even if she didn’t win an award, she would be the only person in history to be checked for a hunting license on the red carpet.
2. The Julia Roberts Smile: Why was Julia’s dress so simple? Because when your smile can be seen from space, you don’t need sequins; you just need a vintage Valentino and a very patient stylist.
3. The “Gladiator” Armor: Why did Russell Crowe win? Because the Academy decided that any man who can fight a tiger in a skirt and still look intimidating deserves a 13-pound gold statue.
4. The Steve Martin Opener: Why was Steve Martin the perfect host? Because he’s the only man who can insult the entire front row and make them feel like they just received a compliment.
5. The “Crouching Tiger” Craze: Why was everyone talking about gravity? Because in 2001, we learned that if you’re sad enough and Chinese enough, you can literally run up a wall and look cool doing it.
6. The Benicio Del Toro Mumbe: Why did he win Best Supporting Actor? To prove that you don’t need to speak clearly if you have enough “cool” radiating off your leather jacket.
7. The Julia Roberts Speech: Why did she tell the conductor to sit down? Because she knew that an Oscar win is the only time in life you can legally tell a professional musician to be quiet so you can talk about your stick-shift car.
8. The “Cast Away” Snub: Why didn’t Tom Hanks win? Because the Academy felt that giving an Oscar to a man whose best friend was a volleyball might be setting a weird precedent for the next decade.
9. The Best Song Performance: Why did Bob Dylan win from Australia? To prove that you don’t even have to be on the same continent as the Oscars to win one, as long as you’re a folk legend.
10. The Kate Hudson “Almost Famous” Glow: Why was she the darling of the night? To prove that being a “Penny Lane” is a permanent state of mind in Hollywood.

The Full 2001 Oscars Jokes Archive

11. The “Gladiator” Best Picture: Why did it win? Because the Academy missed the days when movies were about men shouting in dirt, rather than computers talking in space.
12. The Steven Soderbergh Double Nomination: Why was he nominated twice for Best Director? To prove that he works harder than everyone else in the room combined, and he still has time to color-grade his own movies.
13. The Best Animated Feature Category: Why didn’t it exist yet? Because the Academy was still trying to figure out if Shrek was a movie or a very successful fever dream.
14. The Best Supporting Actress Win: Why did Marcia Gay Harden win? Because she was the only nominee who actually looked surprised, mostly because she was the only one who didn’t hire a publicist for the campaign.
15. The Best Original Screenplay: Why did Almost Famous win? Because Cameron Crowe proved that writing about your teenage awkwardness is the best way to get revenge on the cool kids.
16. The Best Makeup Win: Why did How the Grinch Stole Christmas win? Because turning Jim Carrey into a green monster is the only way to make him stay in one place for more than five minutes.
17. The “Traffic” Success: Why did it win 4 Oscars? To show that the “War on Drugs” is much more entertaining when it has a blue filter and Michael Douglas in it.
18. The Best Visual Effects: Why did Gladiator win? Because making a fake Colosseum is much more impressive than making a fake spaceship (apparently).
19. The Björk “Egg” Moment: Why did she drop eggs on the carpet? Because she was worried the stars weren’t getting enough protein during the three-hour walk.
20. The Best Sound Win: Why did Gladiator sweep the technicals? Because “Clanging Swords” is the official ASMR of the Academy Awards.
21. The Best Art Direction: Why did Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon win? Because they managed to make a roof look like a runway.
22. The Best Cinematography: Why did Peter Pau win? Because he made fighting in a bamboo forest look more elegant than a ballet.
23. The Tom Hanks “Wilson” Joke: Why did Steve Martin bring a volleyball on stage? To show that even a ball has more “range” than some of the actors in the back row.
24. The Best Documentary Feature: Why did Into the Arms of Strangers win? To remind us that the Oscars are the only night where you can go from a “Swan Dress” to a “Holocaust Documentary” in thirty seconds.
25. The Best Film Editing: Why did Traffic win? Because keeping track of three different storylines and four different colors is the ultimate test of a human brain.
26. The Honorary Award for Jack Cardiff: Why? Because the Academy realized that the guy who filmed The Red Shoes probably knows more about “Style” than everyone else in the building.
27. The Best Costume Design: Why did Gladiator win? Because leather tunics are the “Little Black Dress” of the Roman Empire.
28. The Best Foreign Language Film: Why was it China’s year? Because Crouching Tiger was the only movie that year that made subtitles feel like “Action Movie Dialogue.”
29. The Ellen Burstyn Nomination: Why was she there for Requiem for a Dream? To scare everyone in the audience into never touching a diet pill again.
30. The Best Original Score: Why did Tan Dun win? Because he proved that you can win an Oscar using a cello and a lot of tension.
31. The Billy Crystal Absence: Why was Steve Martin so good? Because he made us forget that we usually expect a musical medley before the first award.
32. The Best Live Action Short: Why did Quiero ser win? Because it’s the only time a movie about street children in Mexico gets a standing ovation from people in $10,000 suits.
33. The Dino De Laurentiis Award: Why did he get the Thalberg Award? Because he produced everything from La Strada to Army of Darkness, proving that “Variety” is just another word for “Having a great career.”
34. The Best Adapted Screenplay: Why did Traffic win? Because turning a British miniseries into a Mexican drug war is the most “Hollywood” thing you can do.
35. The “Chocolate” Presence: Why was Chocolat nominated for Best Picture? To prove that Harvey Weinstein could even make a movie about fudge seem like a serious artistic achievement.
36. The Joaquin Phoenix Supporting Nod: Why was he there? To prove that playing a creepy Emperor is the best way to start a career of playing creepy everyone else.
37. The Best Sound Editing: Why did U-571 win? Because the sound of a submarine creaking is the only thing that can wake up a tired Oscar voter at 11 PM.
38. The Governor’s Ball Menu: Why was there so much gold leaf on the food? To make sure the losers at least felt like they were eating a trophy.
39. The 2001 Final Oscars Vibe: Why was it a “Classic” year? Because it was the night Hollywood decided that being a “Gladiator” in the arena was just as important as being a “Dame” on the stage at the 2001 Oscars.