38 Oscars Jokes: The 2012 “The Artist, Meryl’s Gold & Angelina’s Leg” Edition

In 2012, the 84th Academy Awards decided that “everything old is new again.” It was the year a silent, black-and-white French movie conquered Hollywood, Meryl Streep finally stopped being the “favorite loser,” and Angelina Jolie’s right leg became more famous than most of the nominees.

The 2012 Red Carpet Top 10: “Silent Stars & High Slits”

1. Angelina’s Right Leg: Why did Angelina Jolie pose like that? Because her right leg wanted to make sure everyone knew it was attending the Oscars, even if the rest of her was just there to present an award.
2. Sacha Baron Cohen’s Ashes: Why was Ryan Seacrest covered in white powder? Because Sacha Baron Cohen decided that the best way to promote The Dictator was to spill the “ashes of Kim Jong-il” all over the E! News host’s Burberry tuxedo.
3. Billy Crystal’s Return: Why was Billy Crystal back for the 9th time? Because after the 2011 “Franco-Hathaway disaster,” the Academy realized they needed a host who actually knew how to talk and stay awake at the same time.
4. The “Artist” Paradox: Why did a silent movie win Best Picture in 2012? Because in a world of loud 3D blockbusters, Hollywood realized that the only thing more relaxing than a quiet movie is a quiet movie that’s only 100 minutes long.
5. Christopher Plummer’s Age: Why did he talk to his Oscar like it was a long-lost friend? Because at 82, he told the statue, “You’re only two years older than me, darling—where have you been all my life?”
6. Meryl’s Gold Dress: Why did Meryl Streep wear a gold gown? Because she decided that if she didn’t win her third Oscar that night, she would just stand on a pedestal and let people think she was the statue.
7. Octavia Spencer’s Standing O: Why did everyone stand up for her? Because in 2012, we all agreed that if you give a “pie” like that to your boss in a movie, you deserve all the gold in California.
8. The “Hugo” Tech Sweep: Why did Martin Scorsese win five technical Oscars? To prove that even a legend can get obsessed with 3D technology if there are enough clocks and gears involved.
9. The Bridesmaids “Scorsese” Game: Why did Melissa McCarthy and the cast shout “Scorsese!”? Because they turned the director’s name into a drinking game, proving that the Oscars are really just a fancy frat party with better catering.
10. Jean Dujardin’s Charm: Why was the French actor so popular? Because he proved that you don’t need a single line of English dialogue to steal every woman’s heart in America.

The Full 2012 Oscars Jokes Archive

11. Woody Allen’s Absence: Why didn’t he show up to win for Midnight in Paris? Because Woody Allen believes that if you’re not in a jazz club in Manhattan, you’re technically in a foreign country.
12. Uggie the Dog: Why was the dog from The Artist the real MVP? Because he was the only actor in the building who didn’t care about his agent, his trailer, or his gift bag—he just wanted a biscuit.
13. The George Clooney “Descendants” Look: Why was he in Hawaii? To show that George Clooney can look handsome even in a floral shirt while crying, which is a level of talent most men can’t achieve.
14. The “Moneyball” Mystery: Why was Brad Pitt nominated? To prove that you can make a thrilling movie about spreadsheets and math if the person doing the math looks like Brad Pitt.
15. The Best Editing Surprise: Why did The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo win? Because cutting a movie that cold and dark requires a pair of scissors made of solid ice.
16. The Best Makeup Win: Why did The Iron Lady win? Because turning Meryl Streep into Margaret Thatcher is the only thing harder than actually being Margaret Thatcher.
17. The “Rango” Victory: Why did the lizard win? Because Johnny Depp proved that even as a cartoon reptile, he still has more style than the entire cast of a romantic comedy.
18. The Cirque du Soleil Performance: Why were there acrobats in the middle of the show? To remind the actors that while they spent six months sitting in a trailer, someone else spent six months learning how to flip over a chair with their teeth.
19. The Best Documentary Feature: Why did Undefeated win? To show that a high school football team from Memphis can make a room full of millionaires cry into their silk napkins.
20. The Best Original Song: Why was it a two-song race? Because the Academy decided that in 2012, only Muppets and Brazilians were allowed to have musical talent.
21. The Bret McKenzie Win: Why was a Muppet song Oscar-worthy? Because “Man or Muppet” is the most philosophical question anyone has ever asked during a musical number.
22. The Nick Nolte Face: Why was he nominated for Warrior? To show that “Grizzled” isn’t just a look; it’s a lifestyle choice that eventually leads to a gold statue.
23. The Best Foreign Language Film: Why did A Separation win? Because the Iranian film proved that a divorce can be more suspenseful than a car chase.
24. The Best Sound Mixing: Why did Hugo win? Because the sound of a ticking clock is the only thing that can drown out the sound of a producer checking their watch.
25. The Michelle Williams Marilyn Look: Why was she nominated? To prove that she could play the world’s most famous woman without ever looking like she was just wearing a Halloween costume.
26. The Best Cinematography: Why did Hugo win? Because Robert Richardson managed to make 1930s Paris look like it was made of magic and blue light.
27. The Glenn Close “Nobbs” Nod: Why did she play a man? Because after six nominations, she realized she needed to try a different gender to see if the Academy would finally notice her.
28. The Rooney Mara “Dragon Tattoo” Bangs: Why were they so short? To show that being an “It Girl” in 2012 required a haircut that would make your mother very nervous.
29. The Best Adapted Screenplay: Why did The Descendants win? Because Alexander Payne is the king of making “Sad People in Paradise” a very profitable genre.
30. The Best Supporting Actress Race: Why did Jessica Chastain lose to her co-star? Because Octavia Spencer had the “Minnie’s Chocolate Pie” advantage, and you never bet against the pie.
31. The Sandra Bullock Presenter Bit: Why did she speak German? To remind everyone that she’s the only person in the room who can win an Oscar, a Razzie, and a German linguistics award in the same decade.
32. The Robert Downey Jr. Skit: Why was he filming a documentary on stage? To show that even when he’s not Tony Stark, he’s still the most expensive person in the room.
33. The Best Animated Short: Why did The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore win? Because the Academy loves books, especially when they can fly away and you don’t have to read them.
34. The “War Horse” Snub: Why did it lose all six nominations? Because the Academy decided that a horse’s journey through WWI was a bit too much “Neighing” and not enough “Acting.”
35. The Best Live Action Short: Why did The Shore win? To prove that an Irish reunion is the best way to spend 30 minutes of screen time.
36. The Emma Stone Debut: Why was her first time presenting so funny? Because she acted like she had just won every award in the building, which is exactly how Emma Stone should act.
37. The Governor’s Ball Menu: Why was there gold-dusted chocolate? Because when you lose to a silent movie, the only thing that helps is eating a trophy made of sugar.
38. The 2012 Final Oscars Vibe: Why was it a “Classic” year? Because it was the night Hollywood stopped talking, a leg started tweeting, and the 2012 Oscars proved that silence really is golden.