37 Razzie Awards Jokes: The 1998 “Armageddon, Godzilla & Gigli’s Ancestors” Edition

In 1998, the 19th Razzie Awards had a target-rich environment. It was the year Hollywood decided that size matters (it didn’t), that Bruce Willis could save the world with a drill and a gravelly voice, and that remaking a Hitchcock masterpiece shot-for-shot was a “good idea.”

The 1998 Razzie Red Carpet Top 10: “Explosions, Lizards & Bad Accents”

1. The Armageddon Logic: Why was Armageddon a target? Because NASA realized it was easier to train oil drillers to be astronauts than to train screenwriters to understand basic physics.
2. Godzilla’s Size: Why did Godzilla win Worst Remake or Sequel? Because Roland Emmerich spent $130 million to prove that a giant lizard is only scary until it starts acting like a confused iguana in Manhattan.
3. The Avengers Disaster: Why did The Avengers (not that one!) sweep nominations? Because Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman had as much chemistry as two wet sponges in a tea set.
4. Bruce Willis’ Triple Threat: Why did Bruce Willis win Worst Actor? For Armageddon, Mercury Rising, and The Siege—proving that in 1998, he was just playing “Bruce Willis” in three different colored jackets.
5. The Psycho Remake: Why was Gus Van Sant nominated? For thinking that the world needed a shot-for-shot remake of Psycho where the only thing missing was the actual talent and suspense.
6. Spice World’s Lingering Scent: Why did the Spice Girls win Worst Actress as a group? Because the Razzies decided that if they were going to be bad, they should share the trophy like they share the spotlight.
7. The Barney Movie: Why was Barney’s Great Adventure nominated? Because the only thing more terrifying than a giant purple dinosaur is a giant purple dinosaur on a 40-foot cinema screen.
8. An Alan Smithee Film: Why did Burn Hollywood Burn win 5 Razzies? Because a movie about a director trying to disown a bad movie ended up being a bad movie that everyone wanted to disown.
9. The Odd Couple II: Why was it nominated? To prove that some reunions should stay in the “ideas we had while drunk” category.
10. The Lost in Space Reboot: Why was it hit? Because Matt LeBlanc proved that “How you doin’?” works on a couch in New York, but not while fighting space spiders.

The Full 1998 Razzie Jokes Archive

11. Worst Picture: Why An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn? Because it’s the only movie that meta-commented its way into being exactly what it was mocking.
12. Worst Actor: Why Bruce Willis? For saving the world from an asteroid but failing to save us from his own smirk.
13. Worst Actress: Why The Spice Girls? For proving that “Spice Up Your Life” was actually a threat to cinema-goers everywhere.
14. Worst Supporting Actor: Why Joe Eszterhas for Burn Hollywood Burn? For playing himself and still managed to give an unconvincing performance.
15. Worst Supporting Actress: Why Maria Pitillo in Godzilla? Because her performance was the only thing in the movie more artificial than the CGI lizard.
16. Worst Director: Why Gus Van Sant for Psycho? For proving that just because you can copy greatness doesn’t mean you should.
17. Worst Screenplay: Why Joe Eszterhas? For writing a movie about how bad Hollywood is, while simultaneously being the person making it bad.
18. Worst New Star: Why Joe Eszterhas (again)? Because the Razzies really, really wanted him to stop writing.
19. Worst Screen Couple: Why “Any combination of two people playing themselves” in Burn Hollywood Burn? Because even the actors looked like they didn’t want to be in the same room as themselves.
20. Worst Remake or Sequel: Why Godzilla? Because they took a legendary monster and turned it into a oversized lizard that is somehow defeated by a few fish.
21. The “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” Joke: Why was the song nominated? Because after hearing it 40,000 times on the radio, even the Razzies wanted to go deaf.
22. The Ben Affleck Teeth: Why was he a target? Because Michael Bay spent more time on Ben’s new dental work than on the actual script of Armageddon.
23. The Godzilla Marketing: Why was “Size Matters” the tagline? Because it was the only way to distract people from the fact that the plot was microscopic.
24. The Uma Thurman Accent: Why The Avengers? For making one of the coolest icons of the 60s sound like she was reading a grocery list while bored.
25. The Sean Connery Factor: Why The Avengers? For proving that even James Bond can’t save a movie involving a man in a giant teddy bear suit.
26. Worst Actor Runner-up: Why Ralph Fiennes? For looking like he wanted to teleport back to Schindler’s List every time he shared a scene with a CGI bee.
27. Worst Actress Runner-up: Why Anne Heche in Psycho? For trying to out-scream Janet Leigh and only succeeding in giving everyone a headache.
28. Worst Supporting Actor Runner-up: Why Roger Moore in Spice World? For proving that being a former 007 doesn’t grant you immunity from bad pop-music movies.
29. Worst Supporting Actress Runner-up: Why Carmen Electra in The Chosen One? For being the human embodiment of a “straight to VHS” sticker.
30. The “Animal Armageddon” Joke: Why the dogs in the movie? Because even the pugs in the street scenes had better character arcs than the human cast.
31. The Firestorm Joke: Why Howie Long? For proving that football players should stick to the field and stay away from forest fires.
32. The Meet Joe Black Length: Why was it a joke? Because watching Brad Pitt eat peanut butter for three hours felt longer than the actual transition to the afterlife.
33. The Wild Things Vibe: Why was it ignored? Because the Razzies were too busy hitting the big-budget disasters to notice the neon-noir chaos.
34. The Tarzan and the Lost City: Why Casper Van Dien? For proving that the only thing “lost” was the audience’s interest.
35. The “Sly” Absence: Why wasn’t Stallone nominated? Because for once, someone else (Willis) was doing a better job of being bad.
36. The Meta-Failure: Why Burn Hollywood Burn? Because it won “Worst Picture” about a “Worst Picture,” making it the inception of Razzie failures.
37. The 1998 Final Razzie Vibe: Why was it a landmark? Because it was the year the Razzies realized that “Big Budget” usually just means “Big Target.”