36 Razzie Awards Jokes: The 2014 “Saving Christmas, Dinosaurs & Cameron’s Double” Edition

In 2014, the 35th Razzie Awards found a new “worst of all time” contender in a religious comedy that even the faithful couldn’t defend. It was also the year Michael Bay added giant metal dinosaurs to a franchise that was already extinct in terms of logic, and Cameron Diaz proved that having two movies in one year just gives you a better chance at a gold spray-painted berry.

The 2014 Razzie Red Carpet Top 10: “Kirk, Kaiju & Kink”

1. The Kirk Cameron Sweep: Why did Saving Christmas win 4 Razzies? Because it’s the only movie that manages to be a Christmas special, a lecture, and a cinematic disaster all while making you wish the Grinch had actually succeeded.
2. Transformers: Age of Extinction’s Logic: Why was Michael Bay back in the spotlight? Because when your plot involves “Transformium” and Mark Wahlberg fighting metal dinosaurs, the script is basically just a list of things that look good when they explode.
3. Cameron Diaz’s Worst Year: Why did she win Worst Actress? For The Other Woman and Sex Tape—proving that in 2014, she was the undisputed queen of movies you only watch because you’re stuck on a 10-hour flight.
4. The Legend of Hercules’ Abs: Why was Kellan Lutz nominated? Because his performance was 90% flexing and 10% trying to remember his lines through all that baby oil.
5. The Sex Tape Premise: Why was it a target? Because a movie about a couple who can’t figure out how the “Cloud” works is a concept that was outdated before the first scene was even filmed.
6. Megan Fox’s Ninja Turtles: Why did she win Worst Supporting Actress? For proving that her primary role in any franchise is to look confused while CGI creatures do all the heavy lifting.
7. The Worst Screen Couple Special: Why Kirk Cameron and his ego? Because in Saving Christmas, the only person Kirk was really interested in talking to was himself.
8. A Million Ways to Die in the West: Why was Seth MacFarlane nominated? For proving that just because you can voice a talking teddy bear doesn’t mean you should be a leading man in a live-action western.
9. The Annie Remake’s Autotune: Why was it hit? Because Cameron Diaz as Miss Hannigan was so loud and off-key that even the orphans were looking for a way out of the movie.
10. The Razzie Redeemer Award: Why did Ben Affleck win the first-ever Redeemer trophy? For going from the guy who made Gigli to the guy who made Argo and Gone Girl—the ultimate “get out of jail free” card.

The Full 2014 Razzie Jokes Archive

11. Worst Picture: Why Saving Christmas? Because it’s a movie that actually makes you feel bad for Christmas.
12. Worst Actor: Why Kirk Cameron? For giving a performance so preachy it made Sunday school feel like a Vegas weekend.
13. Worst Actress: Why Cameron Diaz? For a year that proved “quantity over quality” is the Razzie’s favorite business model.
14. Worst Supporting Actor: Why Kelsey Grammer? For appearing in four movies (Expendables 3, Transformers 4, Legends of Oz, Think Like a Man Too) and looking like he was checking his watch in every single one.
15. Worst Supporting Actress: Why Megan Fox? For Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, where her acting was even flatter than the pizzas the turtles were eating.
16. Worst Director: Why Michael Bay? For proving that he can make a movie longer, louder, and more confusing with every passing year.
17. Worst Screenplay: Why Saving Christmas? For a script that was essentially a series of complaints turned into a feature film.
18. Worst Remake, Rip-off or Sequel: Why Annie? For taking a classic musical and giving it a modern update that nobody asked for and nobody enjoyed.
19. Worst Screen Couple: Why “Any Two Robots, Actors (or Robotic Actors)” in Transformers 4? Because the chemistry was purely mechanical and leaked oil.
20. The “Left Behind” Remake: Why Nic Cage? For proving that even the Rapture isn’t enough to stop him from taking a paycheck for a bad thriller.
21. The “Expendables 3” Retirement Home: Why was it hit? For being an action movie where the biggest stunt was the cast getting out of their trailers without a hip injury.
22. The “Pompeii” Burn: Why Kit Harington? For proving that “You know nothing, Jon Snow” is a very accurate description of his choice in film scripts.
23. The “Grace of Monaco” Failure: Why Nicole Kidman? For a biopic so dull it was actually banned from its own kingdom (metaphorically).
24. The “Atlas Shrugged Part III” Vibe: Why? For a trilogy that nobody watched and the Razzies couldn’t wait to finish.
25. The “I, Frankenstein” Logic: Why Aaron Eckhart? For a movie that tried to turn a monster into a brooding action hero and failed at both.
26. Worst Actor Runner-up: Why Nicolas Cage? For a year that proved he is still the hardest working man in the “Straight-to-VOD” industry.
27. Worst Actress Runner-up: Why Gaia Weiss for The Legend of Hercules? For being the latest victim of the “beautiful but bewildered” casting trope.
28. Worst Supporting Actor Runner-up: Why Arnold Schwarzenegger for Expendables 3? For proving that “I’ll be back” is starting to sound more like a threat than a promise.
29. Worst Supporting Actress Runner-up: Why Susan Sarandon for Tammy? For proving that even an Oscar winner can’t save a movie that’s basically just Melissa McCarthy falling over.
30. The “Blended” Joke: Why Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore? For a reunion that had about 1% of the charm of The Wedding Singer.
31. The “A Haunted House 2” Vibe: Why Marlon Wayans? For proving that some houses should stay haunted and un-sequelized.
32. The “Sabotage” Burn: Why Arnold Schwarzenegger? For an action movie so gritty and unpleasant it felt like sandpaper for the soul.
33. The “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” Design: Why was it hit? For making the turtles look like giant, nostrils-heavy nightmares that haunted children’s dreams.
34. The “Nut Job” Burn: Why? For an animated movie that was exactly as “nutty” (and bad) as the pun in the title suggests.
35. The “Trancendence” Logic: Why Johnny Depp? For playing a computer that was somehow less expressive than his actual face.
36. The 2014 Final Razzie Vibe: Why was it a landmark? Because it was the year the Razzies realized that Kirk Cameron is the only man powerful enough to make people root for the coal in their stockings.