35 Razzie Awards Jokes: The 1997 “Nipples, Postmen & Speedboats” Edition

In 1997, the 18th Razzie Awards faced a monumental task: choosing the worst from a year that gave us Batman in a fetish suit, Kevin Costner trying to save the world with mail, and a cruise ship that couldn’t even hit a pier convincingly. It was a year where Hollywood’s budgets went up, and everyone’s standards went down.

The 1997 Razzie Red Carpet Top 10: “Rubber, Rust & Regret”

1. The Bat-Nipples: Why did Batman & Robin lead the nominations? Because Joel Schumacher decided that the Dark Knight’s greatest weakness wasn’t Kryptonite, but a costume designer with a fascination for anatomical accuracy.
2. The Postman’s Delivery: Why did Kevin Costner sweep the awards? Because The Postman was a three-hour epic that proved even in a post-apocalyptic world, nobody wants to wait that long for junk mail.
3. Speed 2’s Speed: Why was Speed 2: Cruise Control a target? Because making a sequel to a movie about a fast bus on a boat that moves at the pace of a slow turtle is a masterclass in missing the point.
4. The G.I. Jane Shave: Why was Demi Moore nominated again? Because she proved that shaving your head and doing one-arm pushups is impressive, but it still can’t distract from a script that feels like a recruitment commercial.
5. The Spice Girls’ Invasion: Why did Spice World get hit? Because the Razzies realized that “Girl Power” wasn’t enough to compensate for a movie that made a Saturday morning cartoon look like Citizen Kane.
6. Dennis Rodman’s Debut: Why did he win Worst New Star for Double Team? Because he proved that changing your hair color every five minutes is not a substitute for actually knowing how to deliver a line.
7. The Anaconda Scream: Why was Jon Voight nominated? Because his accent in Anaconda was so confusing it was officially classified as a new biological weapon.
8. The Fire Down Below: Why Steven Seagal? Because in 1997, he was still playing the same character who whispers everything, except this time he was doing it while wearing a jacket that looked like it was made of old porch rugs.
9. The Lost World Snub: Why was the Jurassic Park sequel nominated? Because it proved that you can have all the dinosaurs in the world, but if your lead characters are that annoying, you’re rooting for the T-Rex.
10. The “Cool” Paradox: Why The Saint? Because Val Kilmer spent the whole movie wearing disguises that made him look like a guy trying to hide from his own career choices.

The Full 1997 Razzie Jokes Archive

11. Worst Picture: Why The Postman? Because it’s the only movie that makes the actual US Postal Service look fast and efficient.
12. Worst Actor: Why Kevin Costner? For thinking that the only thing the apocalypse needed was a guy with a leather bag and a lot of self-importance.
13. Worst Actress: Why Demi Moore? For making it three years in a row of Razzie nominations—a feat more impressive than anything she did in the movie.
14. Worst Supporting Actor: Why Dennis Rodman? For proving that Jean-Claude Van Damme is actually a better actor when he’s standing next to a professional rebounder.
15. Worst Supporting Actress: Why Alicia Silverstone for Batman & Robin? Because she played Batgirl with the same enthusiasm most people reserve for a dental appointment.
16. Worst Director: Why Kevin Costner? For directing a film so long that by the time it ended, the audience had lived through their own mini-apocalypse.
17. Worst Screenplay: Why The Postman? For assuming that “neither rain, nor sleet, nor a terrible script” would stay these couriers from their duty.
18. Worst New Star: Why “The Animatronic Anaconda”? Because it gave a more nuanced performance than half the human cast.
19. Worst Screen Couple: Why Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman? Because their chemistry was like mixing Tabasco sauce with blue hair dye—painful and confusing.
20. Worst Remake or Sequel: Why Speed 2: Cruise Control? Because the only thing “Speedy” about it was how fast people left the theater.
21. The Arnold Joke: Why Mr. Freeze? Because every time Arnold Schwarzenegger opened his mouth, a “cool” pun came out that made the audience want to move to the Sahara.
22. The Clooney Apology: Why George Clooney? Because even he admitted that Batman & Robin might have been the moment he personally killed the franchise.
23. The Postman’s Length: Why was it a joke? Because at 177 minutes, it’s not a movie—it’s a hostage situation.
24. The Anaconda Wink: Why Jon Voight? For that scene where he winks after being vomited out by a giant snake—the literal peak of 90s cinema.
25. The Shaquille Carry-over: Why was Steel nominated? Because Shaq proved that if a genie role doesn’t work, maybe a guy in a suit made of scrap metal will (spoiler: it didn’t).
26. Worst Actor Runner-up: Why Shaquille O’Neal? For confirming that the only thing he should be shooting is free throws, not movies.
27. Worst Actress Runner-up: Why Sandra Bullock? For agreeing to get back on a vehicle in Speed 2 when she should have just taken a taxi to a different script.
28. Worst Supporting Actor Runner-up: Why Chris O’Donnell? For playing Robin as a whiny teenager who really just needed a timeout instead of a motorcycle.
29. Worst Supporting Actress Runner-up: Why Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy? For acting like she was in a completely different, much more fun movie that unfortunately nobody else was invited to.
30. The “Nipple” Joke: Why were they on the suit? Because apparently, in Gotham, the crime-fighting is hard, but the air conditioning is harder.
31. The Volcano vs. Dante’s Peak: Why were they joked about? For proving that 1997 was the year Hollywood decided that “lava” was a personality trait.
32. The Spice World Vibe: Why was it nominated? To remind everyone that just because you have a hit song doesn’t mean you should have a 90-minute film.
33. The Private Parts Joke: Why Howard Stern? For being nominated for “Worst New Star” for playing himself—the ultimate Razzie insult.
34. The Budget Burn: Why Batman & Robin? Because $125 million is a lot of money to spend on making a neon-colored toy commercial.
35. The 1997 Final Razzie Vibe: Why was it a landmark? Because it was the year the Razzies stopped being a small ceremony and started being a necessary public service to protect us from rubber suits and long-winded mailmen.