34 Christmas Jokes: The 2013 “Frozen & Wrecking Balls” Edition

In 2013, Christmas was a frozen wasteland—and not just because of the weather. Every house in the world was singing about Elsa, every teenager was making a 6-second “Vine,” and we all learned that a yellow “Minion” was the most powerful marketing force on Earth.

The 2013 Top 10: “Let It Go & 6-Second Fame”

1. Frozen: Why was the 2013 holiday season so cold? Because Disney released Frozen, and for the next five years, no child was allowed to speak unless they were singing “Let It Go” at maximum volume.
2. The Harlem Shake: Why was the Christmas party so chaotic? Because as soon as the beat dropped, the entire family put on helmets and masks and started flailing around for 30 seconds of internet glory.
3. Vine (Launch): Why were the kids staring at their phones for exactly six seconds? Because “Do it for the Vine” became the only reason anyone did anything dangerous or stupid during the holidays.
4. Miley Cyrus – “Wrecking Ball”: Why was the giant ornament on the tree a problem? Because after the VMAs, everyone was afraid Miley was going to swing into the living room on it.
5. Grand Theft Auto V: Why did the son miss Christmas morning? Because he was busy “borrowing” a fighter jet in Los Santos and realized that digital crime pays much better than his paper route.
6. The Pope Change: Why was there a new guy in the Vatican? Because Pope Benedict retired, and Pope Francis showed up to remind us that “cool popes” are officially a 2013 trend.
7. What Does the Fox Say?: Why was the holiday dinner so confusing? Because Ylvis released a song that made everyone spend the night arguing about whether a fox says “ring-ding-ding-ding” or “wa-pa-pa-pa-pa.”
8. The PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One: Why was the basement divided? Because the “Next Gen” consoles arrived, and you had to choose a side in the great war of 2013—and “I just want to play Tetris” was not an acceptable answer.
9. Despicable Me 2: Why were the yellow Tic-Tacs so popular? Because Minion fever reached its peak, and if your gift didn’t have one eye and denim overalls, it was basically trash.
10. The Royal Baby (Prince George): Why were we celebrating a baby we didn’t know? Because the UK got a new heir, and every mom in the world treated it like she was the honorary grandmother.

The Full 2013 Christmas Archive (Highlights)

11. Daft Punk – “Get Lucky”: Why was the party so funky? Because the French robots returned and stayed “up all night to get lucky” (which mostly meant getting the last piece of pie).
12. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: Why was the fireplace so popular? Because Katniss was back, and everyone wanted to look “Girl on Fire” chic while wearing an itchy wool sweater.
13. Lorde – “Royals”: Why did the teenagers feel so superior? Because they “craved a different kind of buzz” and told their parents that “we’ll never be royals” while drinking juice from a plastic cup.
14. Gravity (The Movie): Why was Mom so stressed? Because she watched Sandra Bullock spin in space for 90 minutes and now she thinks the kitchen is a “zero-gravity danger zone.”
15. The Man of Steel: Why was Superman so “gritty”? Because Zack Snyder decided that superheroes shouldn’t smile, and neither should you until you’ve finished your sprouts.
16. Candy Crush (Still): Why was the church service so quiet? Because everyone was “Sugar Crushing” their way through Level 342 under the pews.
17. Iron Man 3: Why were there so many suits under the tree? Because Tony Stark had forty-two of them, and Dad thought he could automate the holiday chores with a remote-controlled spatula.
18. The Cronut: Why was the bakery line so long? Because someone put a croissant and a donut together, and 2013 was the year we decided that “hybrid calories” don’t count.
19. Mackelmore – “Thrift Shop”: Why did everyone look like they shopped at a dumpster? Because it was still “fabulous” to wear a giant fur coat that smelled like an old basement.
20. Sharknado: Why was everyone afraid of the weather? Because the Syfy channel taught us that a tornado full of sharks is a perfectly logical thing to worry about in 2013.
21. The Great Gatsby: Why was the party so “Old Sport”? Because Leonardo DiCaprio made us all want to wear white suits and stand on a dock staring at a green light.
22. Pharrell’s Hat: Why was the singer wearing a giant brown mountain on his head? Because 2013 was the year that “The Hat” became more famous than the person under it.
23. Blurred Lines: Why was the song so controversial? Because everyone was dancing to it while simultaneously feeling like they needed to apologize for the lyrics.
24. The “Selfie” Word of the Year: Why were the photos so narcissistic? Because Oxford Dictionaries officially made “Selfie” the word of the year, giving us a license to be vain.
25. House of Cards: Why did Dad start talking to the wall? Because Kevin Spacey made “breaking the fourth wall” the coolest way to explain why he’s stealing a rib from the fridge.
26. Pacific Rim: Why did the kids build a giant robot out of boxes? Because “monsters vs. robots” is the only holiday theme that actually matters.
27. Robin Thicke’s VMA Performance: Why did Grandma cover her eyes? Because 2013 was the year we all learned what “twerking” was, and we all wished we hadn’t.
28. The Wolf of Wall Street: Why was the office party so wild? Because Leo showed us that “ludes” and “lobsters” are the keys to success (please don’t try this at home).
29. The Red Wedding (GoT): Why was everyone afraid of a dinner party? Because Game of Thrones fans knew that when the music changes, someone is getting “archered.”
30. Justin Timberlake – “The 20/20 Experience”: Why was the music so long? Because JT came back and decided every song needed to be an 8-minute tuxedo for your ears.
31. The “Prancercise” Video: Why was the aunt “trotting” through the hallway? Because a lady on the internet showed her how to exercise like a horse, and she was “feeling the burn.”
32. Instagram Video: Why were the photos moving? Because Instagram added 15-second videos to compete with Vine, and our attention spans got even shorter.
33. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Why was the dragon so talkative? Because Benedict Cumberbatch made being a giant pile of gold-hoarding scales sound very sophisticated.
34. The Final 2013 Vibe: Why was everyone so “Happy”? Because Pharrell told us to clap along if we feel like a room without a roof, and for a few minutes, we actually did.