33 Military Jokes: The 2012 “Mayan Apocalypse & Budget Cuts” Edition

In 2012, the military survived the supposed Mayan end of the world, only to face something much scarier: “The Sequester” (automatic budget cuts). It was the year we realized that the “Pivot to Asia” meant we were tired of the desert, but the desert wasn’t quite tired of us yet. It was the year of the “Quiet Professional” having a very loud book deal and the Navy realizing that their new “Stealth Destroyer” looked a lot like a floating pyramid.

The 2012 Military Top 10: “Pivots & Paperwork”

1. The “Pivot to Asia”: Why did the Pentagon start talking about the Pacific in 2012? Because they realized that fighting insurgents in the mountains is hard, so they decided to try “Staring at China across a very large ocean” instead.
2. The “Sequester” Panic: Why were the Generals terrified of 2012? Because the “Budget Axe” was coming, and they had to figure out how to keep a global empire running on the price of a used Toyota Camry.
3. The “No Easy Day” Book: Why was the Navy SEAL book a scandal in 2012? To prove that the “Silent Service” is only silent until someone offers a seven-figure publishing contract and a movie deal.
4. The Zumwalt-class (DDG-1000) Progress: Why does the new destroyer look like a 19th-century ironclad? Because the Navy spent $22 billion to make a ship that is invisible to radar but looks like a “Super-Villain’s Summer Home” to anyone with eyes.
5. The X-51 WaveRider Test: Why did we want a Mach 5 missile in 2012? So we can deliver “Democracy” to the other side of the world faster than the target can finish their breakfast.
6. The “Green-on-Blue” Crisis: Why was 2012 the most awkward year in Afghanistan? Because we were spending millions to train our “Allies,” while they were spending their afternoons trying to find out where we kept our ammo.
7. The “Kony 2012” Craze: Why was the military confused by the internet? Because a viral video made everyone want to send Special Forces to Africa to find a guy who hadn’t been seen since the first iPhone came out.
8. The F-35 “Helmet of Gold”: Why did the F-35 helmet cost $400,000 in 2012? Because it allows the pilot to see through the floor of the plane—the ultimate tool for people who want to look at the ground they are currently overpaying for.
9. The Benghazi Attack: Why was 2012 a year of “Security Reviews”? To prove that in the 21st century, a “Consulate” is just a “Target” without enough concrete walls.
10. The “Check-in” on the ANA: Why did we call it “Transition”? Because “Leaving and hoping for the best” didn’t fit on the official NATO banner.

The Full 2012 Military Jokes Archive

11. The “Bio-Metric” Update: Why did the scanners get better? To make sure that the “Local Contractor” isn’t the same guy who was planting a bomb on Tuesday.
12. The MRE “Taco Bell” Myth: Why did soldiers want it? Because in 2012, a “Shelf-stable Taco” was considered the peak of military culinary technology.
13. The “Iron Dome” Success (Operation Pillar of Defense): Why was the world impressed? Because Israel turned “Missile Defense” into a live-action version of Space Invaders.
14. The “Joint” Command in Africa (AFRICOM): Why a new HQ? To prove that we can have a “Global Presence” in a place where we mostly just fly drones and drink expensive coffee.
15. The “Tactical” iPad 3: Why did the Army buy them? Because nothing says “Modern Soldier” like trying to read a mission briefing on a screen that reflects the sun directly into your eyes.
16. The “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” One-Year Anniversary: Why was it so quiet? Because the military finally realized that “Combat Effectiveness” has nothing to do with who you share a bank account with.
17. The “Stealth” Drone over North Korea: Why was it there? To see if Kim Jong-un’s “Nuclear Program” was more advanced than a 1980s microwave (it was, slightly).
18. The “Transformation” of the Uniform: Why did the Navy still wear the “Blueberry” suit in 2012? To make sure that if a sailor falls overboard, they are “Tactically Invisible” to the rescue swimmers.
19. The “Strategic” Oil Reserve: Why did we open it? To make sure that “Warfighting” is still affordable for the average voter during an election year.
20. The “Global Hawk” Block 40: Why the new radar? To take pictures of the “Axis of Evil” in such high detail that we can see what they’re having for lunch.
21. The “Cyber” Awareness Month: Why the training? To teach Colonels that clicking on a “Free iPad” link is the fastest way to let the Chinese Navy see their emails.
22. The Russian “Borei-class” Submarine: Why was it finally ready? To prove that Russia can still build something that stays underwater, provided they have 15 years and a lot of steel.
23. The “Hearts and Minds” of 2012: Why did we build a basketball court? To prove that “Peace” is just a “Three-Pointer” away from reality.
24. The “Night Vision” (GPNVG-18) Hype: Why four tubes? So you can have the “Field of Vision” of a human and the “Neck Pain” of a giraffe.
25. The “Contractor” in Kabul: Why did they make $200k? Because someone has to guard the “Subway” sandwiches, and it might as well be an ex-Ranger with a beard.
26. The “Over-the-Horizon” Logistics: Why was the ship late? Because “Strategic Movement” in 2012 was mostly just waiting for the bureaucracy to sign the digital paperwork.
27. The “Information Operations” Twitter: Why was it a mess? Because you can’t fight a 14th-century ideology with a 140-character tweet.
28. The “Stryker” in the Mud: Why did the wheels spin? Because “High Speed Mobility” doesn’t work when the road is actually a river of melted goat butter.
29. The “Total Force” Weekend: Why did the National Guard look confused? Because they were told they were “Peacekeeping,” but their equipment was designed for “Total Annihilation.”
30. The “Combat Camera” 4K Video: Why the upgrade? To see the “Confusion” on the ground in such high resolution that you can see the sweat on the Lieutenant’s forehead.
31. The “Winning” Strategy: Why did it change to “Sustainable Security”? Because “Winning” was taking too long and “Sustainable” sounds like something you do for the environment.
32. The “Blue Force Tracker” 2.0: Why the lag? Because everyone was using the bandwidth to check the 2012 Olympic scores in London.
33. The 2012 Final Vibe: Why was it the “Year of the Pivot”? Because we were turning our backs on the old wars, only to realize the new ones looked exactly the same, just with more screens.