63 Observational One-Liners: The 2001 Retro Edition

Welcome to 2001 – the year we traded our floppy disks for the first iPods, learned that “OGRE” is a compliment thanks to Shrek, and embarked on a nine-hour journey to Middle-earth. While Windows XP made our desktops look like a Teletubby field, a small device called a BlackBerry started making us work from the dinner table. Here is the observational archive of 2001.

The 2001 Top 10: Golden Classics

1. The iPod Promise: Apple says I can fit 1,000 songs in my pocket. I currently only own 12 CDs, so I guess I’ll just download 988 versions of “Hey Jude.”
2. The Shrek Standard: A movie about a swamp-dwelling ogre is now the gold standard for romance. If he can find love, there’s hope for all of us.
3. The Windows XP Hill: I’ve spent more time staring at that perfectly green “Bliss” hill wallpaper than I have actually looking at real nature this year.
4. The Fellowship of the Ring: I spent three hours watching people walk through a forest, and the movie ended before they even got to the volcano. See you next year, I guess.
5. The Harry Potter Magic: We finally saw the boy who lived on the big screen. Now every kid in America is trying to run through walls at train stations.
6. The Wikipedia Debut: There’s a new website where anyone can edit the facts. I’m sure this will be a perfectly reliable source of information with zero arguments.
7. The GameCube Handle: Nintendo released a purple cube with a handle. Is it a gaming console or a very high-tech lunchbox?
8. The “Lady Marmalade” Fever: Four pop stars, one giant wig, and a lot of French. I don’t know what “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi” means, but it sounds expensive.
9. The BlackBerry Thumb: People are getting “CrackBerry” addiction, typing emails with their thumbs while walking into lampposts. The future is here.
10. The Fast and the Furious Logic: I just learned that you can solve any problem in life with nitrous oxide and a very dramatic gear shift.

The Full 2001 Archive (Extended List)

11. The Monsters, Inc. Closet: After this movie, I’m not scared of the monster under my bed; I’m just worried he’s not meeting his laugh quota.
12. The “Fallin'” Alicia Keys: I keep hearing this “A-minor” piano riff in my sleep. Alicia has officially claimed the radio for the next 12 months.
13. The Ocean’s Eleven Coolness: George Clooney and Brad Pitt eating snacks for two hours is somehow the most entertaining thing I’ve seen all year.
14. The “Hero” Enrique Iglesias: Enrique is crying in the rain again. Someone get this man an umbrella and a hug.
15. The Xbox Giant Controller: Microsoft released the Xbox, but the controller is so big I need a second person just to reach the “A” button.
16. The “Get the Party Started”: Pink is coming out so you better get the party started—even if “the party” is just me burning a CD-R.
17. The Legally Blonde Motto: “What, like it’s hard?” became the official response to every minor achievement in my life.
18. The “Drops of Jupiter”: I still don’t know what “fried chicken” has to do with a girl returning from a space trip, but I’ll sing it at the top of my lungs.
19. The Zoolander Face: I’ve been practicing my “Blue Steel” in the mirror for three hours. I still just look like I’ve smelled something bad.
20. The “Whenever, Wherever”: Shakira reminded us that her breasts are small and humble so we don’t confuse them with mountains. Good to know.
21. The Grand Theft Auto III: I can go anywhere in a 3D city! Usually, that means I just drive a taxi into the ocean for fun.
22. The “I’m a Slave 4 U” Snake: Britney performed with a python. Now I can’t even look at my garden hose without thinking of pop music.
23. The Bridget Jones Diary: Finally, a movie that validates my life choices of large knickers and singing into a wine bottle.
24. The “How You Remind Me” Nickleback: This song is playing so much that I’ve forgotten what I actually like. It just lives in my head now.
25. The Training Day Quote: King Kong ain’t got nothing on Denzel, and he definitely ain’t got nothing on my boss during a Monday morning meeting.
26. The “Family Affair” No Hateration: Mary J. Blige has banned “hateration” and “holleration” in this dance-hall. It’s a very specific policy.
27. The Spy Kids Gadgets: Why didn’t my parents buy me a microwave that makes instant McDonald’s?
28. The “Island in the Sun” Weezer: The ultimate song for when you’re stuck in a cubicle dreaming of a place where the Wi-Fi doesn’t exist.
29. The Joe Dirt Philosophy: Life is a garden, dig it. It’s the most profound thing a man with a mullet has ever said.
30. The “All for You” Janet Jackson: Janet is back to remind us that she’s the queen of the 2-step dance move.
31. The Black Hawk Down Intensity: I left the theater feeling like I needed to go through basic training just to get to my car.
32. The “Smooth Criminal” Alien Ant Farm: The best Michael Jackson cover that features a kid dancing on a sidewalk.
33. The Amélie Vibe: Suddenly everyone wants to live in Paris, eat raspberries off their fingers, and look quirky in a photo booth.
34. The “Survivor” Destiny’s Child: I’m a survivor, I’m not gonna give up—mostly because I need this job to pay for my 56k internet.
35. The Jimmy Neutron Hair: How does it stay up? Is it science? Is it just a lot of 2001-era hair gel?
36. The “U Got It Bad” Usher: Usher is dancing in the rain. 2001 is a very wet year for R&B singers.
37. The A.I. Artificial Intelligence: A movie that made me feel guilty about how I treat my old Tamagotchi.
38. The “Clint Eastwood” Gorillaz: A cartoon band? Finally, celebrities that won’t get caught in a scandal at a nightclub.
39. The Princess Diaries Glow-up: Anne Hathaway proved that all you need to become royalty is a hairbrush and some contact lenses.
40. The “It’s Been Awhile” Staind: The official anthem of every guy wearing an oversized hoodie and staring at his shoes.
41. The Max Payne Slow-Mo: I wish I could do “Bullet Time” every time my boss asks me for a status report.
42. The “Bootylicious” Definition: Beyoncé added a word to the dictionary. What have you done with your life today?
43. The Mulholland Drive Confusion: I watched it twice and I’m still not sure if the blue box is a metaphor or just a blue box.
44. The “Butterfly” Crazy Town (Still): It’s still playing. Help.
45. The Royal Tenenbaums Tracksuit: Ben Stiller in a red Adidas tracksuit is my new fashion icon.
46. The “Crawling” Linkin Park: These wounds, they will not heal. Especially not the wound of my mom accidentally deleting my Napster downloads.
47. The Donnie Darko Bunny: If a giant rabbit tells you the world is ending, you should probably listen. Or just change your meds.
48. The “Izzo (H.O.V.A.)”: Jay-Z is the CEO of hip-hop now. We all just live in his world.
49. The Serendipity Hope: I’ve started writing my phone number on $5 bills. So far, only a guy named “Large Larry” has called.
50. The “Where’s Your Head At” Basement Jaxx: A music video with monkeys with human faces. I didn’t sleep for a week.
51. The Devil Wears Prada (The Book): Everyone is reading about “Runway” magazine and feeling bad about their own wardrobe.
52. The “Fatboy Slim” Weapon of Choice: Christopher Walken dancing in a hotel lobby is the only thing the internet was made for.
53. The Blow Movie: Johnny Depp made being a pirate look cool, and now he’s making… wait, different movie.
54. The “Yellow” Coldplay (Wait, that was 2000): They’re still playing it. It’s the new national anthem of “Chill.”
55. The Swordfish Hack: If you can’t hack a government server while a gun is at your head in under 60 seconds, are you even a hacker?
56. The “Everywhere” Michelle Branch: The girl with the acoustic guitar is everywhere. Literally. Every radio station.
57. The Not Another Teen Movie: Finally, a movie that points out that putting glasses on a hot girl doesn’t make her “ugly.”
58. The “Hanging by a Moment” Lifehouse: The most played song of the year, which is ironic because I’ve already forgotten how it goes.
59. The Moulin Rouge! Spectacle: Ewan McGregor singing Elton John in a top hat. 2001 was a lot.
60. The “Peaches & Cream” 112: I don’t know what they’re talking about, but it sounds delicious and highly suggestive.
61. The Osmosis Jones Biology: I finally understand how my immune system works: it’s Bill Murray and Chris Rock.
62. The “One Minute Man” Missy Elliott: Missy is back with a hairbrush and a message for guys who are in too much of a hurry.
63. The 2001 Reality: We thought the new millennium would be all silver suits and space travel. Turns out it’s just Harry Potter and better hair gel.